Technicolor Jesus

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“I just want to hear God. To know how he’s speaking to me” she said tearfully, looking at the ground her shoulders slumped in defeat and frustration.  From the Bible belt area of the North otherwise known as West Michigan Amy had come to the recommit her life to Jesus at the Urbana Missions Convention.  Though she had gone to church her whole life, knew all the right answers and that God theoretically was present she felt like she was missing something.

As we talked I thought about how many times I had talked with students who felt similar to Amy- that they weren’t connecting with God as they studied scripture, prayed or went to church.  They felt like there was a missing piece of their Christian life.  As Amy and I talked and prayed together Jesus gave me an image- of her returning to her campus and hometown and beginning to see Jesus’ presence like she was wearing 3-D glasses- things that had seemed strange and blurry about where Jesus was at work in her life would begin to pop out her in Technicolor magnificence.

 At moments where I have been too tired to pray, journal, read scripture or engage in any of the “normal” spiritual disciplines to hear Jesus he has showed up like a Rorschach ink blot coming into brilliant focus- what I didn’t notice before becomes clearly beautiful.

A few years ago I was really struggling with being comfortable being myself.  Not that I have the hang of this entirely now, but at the time it was a paralyzing fear to speak, write and dress authentically as myself.  One morning as I spent some time in prayer at a friend’s house who had offered her house as quiet space I felt crushing tiredness and like I was a big loser who couldn’t even bring myself to have a quiet time and crack open my Bible.  My friend had put books of poetry, artistic photography books of nature, colored pencils and paper in the quiet space and without thinking much about it I picked up a few pencils and a blank sheet of paper and began to draw.

I didn’t have anything in mind, I just began with emerald lines across the page. Slowly the lines curved as I continued to sketch, tracing the lines over and over again, the repetitive moment almost feeling like a liturgy- joining in with something that many had done before. The shape began to look like a bird and the emerald green (my favorite color!) reminded me of a peacock.  I added some blue plumes, a long ornate tail with turquoise and red lines- the colors popping out in contrast with one another.  I just drew and drew, the colors deepening, the peacock becoming clearer.

I had gotten caught up in the sketch, not berating myself for doing a “real Christian” thing and wasting time drawing or worrying that it might look more like a chicken than a peacock to other people who saw my sketch.

As I laid the green marker down and looked at what had emerged on the page I felt like the Lord spoke to me “you are a peacock, not a pigeon. Stop trying to hide who you are. I meant for you to show the brilliance of how I’ve created you for my glory- strut and all. You are not meant to blend in.”

 Daaaaaaaannng Jesus. Even in my tiredness, my inability to engage in standard spiritual disciplines He spoke.  He spoke through my fears, my insecurities and guided me in a gentle way that would get at the heart issues I was wrestling with.

He spoke in his Technicolor Jesus way of popping out in the unexpected ways as he often likes to do.

This image has stuck with me through the past few years when I feel tempted to doubt myself, to feel like I should “tone it down” especially in Christian circles, to be someone I’m not.

Or to be the idea of the Christian woman I think people want.  But as the theologian Lil’ Jon once rapped “snap ya fingers, do ya step, you can do it all by yo self.”  Through the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit Ima do my peacock step! Not because I think I’m awesome, but because it honors God to be the peacock he made me to be.

I learned that in ancient times the peacock was a symbol of immortality and resurrection that early Christians used to symbolize the message of Jesus.  Not only was the peacock thought to be beautiful, but also a symbol of integrity in showing its true colors.

Though my girl Gracee has many lovely tats, and even helped me to research a giant upper arm tattoo of a peacock I thought about getting, I’ve been happy with bracelets, artwork and actual peacock feathers in my office as a sign of who God created me to be and how he spoke in an unexpected way.

God speaks.

Not because we do the right things that Christians should do but because he deeply loves us and connects with us in ways that will speak most clearly and be profoundly meaningful to how he created us to be.

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Jessica Fick is an expert Lego builder with her sons, an avid movie-watcher with her husband Dave, a recreational baker and lover of the Great Lakes residing in Cleveland, OH. Vocationally Jessica serves with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA as a Regional Evangelism Coordinator in a 4-state region in the midwest as an evangelistic speaker, teacher and trainer.  Across the country in churches and campus groups Jessica loves to empower others in evangelism that helps believers have a ton of fun with Jesus and non-believers to become more curious about Jesus. Recently, she has enjoyed joining Jesus in mission through planting a MOPS group with her local church because of the crazy amounts of babies born in her church in the past year and the need for a Christian group to care for moms in her community.  Jessica blogs at Sidewalk Theologian & tweets here.