When I read Hollywood Housewife’s recent post, I Don’t Believe in God I pridefully thought, “whew. I’m so glad that isn’t me.” (No hate, shame or judgement toward Laura. I own my judgy-pride issues).
That post made me think for a good 3-4 days. I SO appreciated her honesty. I appreciated the idea that we can live -all of us- doing certain things yet doubting & believing differently. When I read her post the pride flowed in easily because I, Grace Biskie have never doubted God’s existence at any point in my entire 36.75 years of living.
Ahhh, how God loves to humble us. It was only a few days later that the realization hit me: YOU, Grace Biskie don’t believe God can do what he says He will do, can do & wants to do.
Womp. Womp. Womp.
I didn’t wake up one morning wondering if God could do all that He says He can do. I woke up one morning after 4 weeks of acting out of my own beliefs -instead of God’s- wondering if God could do all that He says he can do. If I truly believed God, I’d have lived my entire last month differently.
And I wish I had.
If you’ve noticed from my super sad Instagrams and grimly serious FB page updates, I’ve been a tad heartbroken. I am wading through the consequences of what happens when one doesn’t decide to take God at His word. And can I tell you? It sucks like a mug.
In the past, when I’ve acknowledged poor choices or sat under the heavy of regret I’ve also struggled to own and know God’s grace in the midst of it. I have had to fight and claw my way to the slightest understanding of God’s forgiveness, longsuffering patience and whole-being acceptance for me.
This time around I haven’t fought the idea that God forgives me, that He still loves me, is still plugging away to make me new.
This time around, I haven’t fought (much) God’s lavish grace. I haven’t had the strength for more areas of defiance. I’m too tired, too broken, too exhausted to face another war with God over something so clear: God. has. grace. for. us.
In these last 4 weeks, I’ve been grasping at straws trying to figure out if I could do my life in any way other than how I truly believe -to the deepest core of my human existence- God wants me to. Dammit, I know better than God because I know what I NEED. Then, as it turns out, all I need is God.
Then, as it turns out, I have yet again, created a tailspin in which I must again drag my way back to God. Only this time, I didn’t drag. He was there. I fell in. All right God, we are just going muscle through this together I guess. Where the hell else am I going to go? There’s a peace in that that has defied understanding.
There’s a space and a time for people like Laura to not believe in God, for people like me to not trust God enough for obedience and for people like you to engage in all the worry and doubt or anger or unbelief and flat out hate towards God. There is no point, friends in running. There is no point in being fearful to articulate it. There are too many of us that will support whatever your breed of crisis-of-faith looks like. I’ve learned that firsthand.
Today is Thanksgiving. More than anything else, I’m thankful that I’m God’s beloved daughter. It’s not the happiest Thanksgiving by any stretch, but it is a thankful Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving, peeps and tweeps. Love to you all.