I have a theory. I could be wrong. But I think Christmas 2014 will be the year of the New Authenticity in product-gifting. I’ve already seen a few intimations in this direction. First, Taylor Swift pulled her catalog off Spotify. So if parents want to give Taylor Swift music to their children for Christmas, they won’t be able to send them a link on Facebook and say, “Hey, you should really check this out!” Instead, they’ll have to buy an actual disc of plastic encased in plastic and wrapped in plastic wrap.
Here’s another example. The Oxford American, my favorite literary magazine out of the south, is releasing their Texas music issue on LP! This is authenticity taken to an extreme. Magazines have been putting out special CDs for years, or publishing playlists, but it takes a special type of retro-chic chutzpah for a magazine to roll on a long-play record.
Here’s what I imagine next along these lines. Consider this the hipster shoppers guide to giving gifts with a simulacrum of authenticity.
The “New Authenticity” Guide to Christmas Gifts
1. Use your 3-D printer to print a superhero mini-figure. On the gift label write, “This wasn’t made in China, even though it looks like it was. I printed it on my Makerbot Replicator uniquely for you, exactly according to the specs of the original mini-figure.”
2. Buy a sleeve of gluten-free communion wafers to give as a stocking stuffer. Because the real Jesus is part of any good paleo-diet.
3. Take a family Christmas photo and post it to Instagram, but use special tools to give it a cute Christmas themed border, and use the X-Pro patina to make the photo look like it is alive and popping off the page.
4. Buy a real Christmas tree, and spray paint it green so it looks like a real tree. Oh wait, that’s already what they do…
5. Put up a sign that says, “Put the ‘Christ’ back in Christmas.” Oh wait, that’s already what people do. Okay, try this. Put up a sign that says, “Put the ‘mass’ back in Christmas” or “Put the ‘X” back in Christmas.” Because we all have to remember the true reason for the season, that a baby was born and crucified, and we all re-present that Jesus liturgically in the weekly Eucharist.
6. Call your mom on the phone, but use the call function on Facebook chat. Because the audio on Facebook chat sounds better than any phone.
7. Crochet a rainbow cozy for your parents’ mini-van. This is so newly authentic it is the new new authenticity.
Whatever you do this holiday season, I encourage you to keep it real. Just remember that the old real isn’t as real as the new real, and the new real looks exactly like the old real, just newer.
Happy shopping!
Clint Schnekloth is Lead Pastor at Good Shepherd Lutheran Church in Fayetteville, Arkansas.
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