As the holiday season draws near, my thoughts inevitably return to the empty chair at the dinner table. The chair where my daughter once sat. This year, it may be two chairs, as two of my daughters will likely be absent
Thanksgiving holds a special place in my heart. It’s my favorite time of year, a day devoted to giving thanks, something I try to practice every day. But having one day set aside for gratitude feels like a special gift.
This year, half of my children will be with me to celebrate. As usual, two will not.
It’s become a familiar routine; one I’ve come to expect. They occasionally seem to grow closer, only to pull away once more. They may visit, but it’s often followed by a last-minute reason not to show up.
In the past, the empty chairs would leave me in tears for days. Nothing compares to the heartbreak of being a parent to estranged children.
But I have learned to move forward.
How?
Learning to Move Forward
The truth is it took a lot of therapy and personal work. There were more tears, moments of letting go, and coming to terms with the fact that some things are beyond my control. It meant looking up from the empty chair and redirecting my focus to the blessings that remain.
In moments like these, we have a choice. We can wallow in the pain and let our child’s rejection consume us, or we can rise above it and choose to live a fulfilling life despite the sorrow.
Pain is an inevitable part of life. We cannot avoid it. But our task is to live through it and, ultimately, live beyond it. The true victory is learning to thrive in spite of it.
Living Fully
The holiday season is upon us. How can you make the most of it?
Acknowledge your emotional moments
The holidays often bring up deep emotions. You will feel the absence of your child. Allow yourself to feel that loss but try not to let it overwhelm you.
Honor your memories without being controlled by them
Families are built on memories, and hopefully, you have many fond ones. Memories pay tribute to the past, but they don’t have to dictate the future. Just because something was done a certain way before doesn’t mean you’re bound to continue doing it that way.
Consider new ways to celebrate this year:
• Opt for a nice dinner out instead of cooking at home.
• Volunteer for part of the day to give back to others.
• Start fresh traditions, such as going to a movie or playing new games with loved ones.
Focus on what you have, not what’s missing
Stay present in the moment. Be mindful of the people who are with you, fully engaging in conversations and enjoying their company, rather than getting lost in the sadness of what’s absent.
Be gentle with yourself
If you know the holidays will be emotionally challenging, take extra care of yourself. Can you carve out a day for self-care before diving into the festivities? Is it possible to say no to tasks or commitments that drain your energy?
Moving the Chair
Once again, my daughter’s seat will be empty. But this year, I’ve decided to move it to another room. I will shift my attention to those who are present, focusing on the love that surrounds me rather than the love I’ve lost.
My daughter knows the door is always open. She knows the chair can be returned to its place at the table anytime. But she also understands that the chasing, pleading, and begging have come to an end. Now, it’s up to her.
I will occasionally glance up, waiting to see if she’ll return the gesture. But until she does, the celebration will continue, and I will be fully engaged in it. I will be thankful for the moments we shared, and I will appreciate the healing that I’ve gained through this journey.
Focus on creating a meaningful experience that aligns with your current reality. With time and self-compassion, you can find new ways to embrace the holiday season while acknowledging the complexity of your family situation.
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