Here we go again. As I’ve done a hundred (a thousand?) times before, I’m back on the hunt for a day job. Yes, this is because my pandemic insurance has expired. No, it’s not because I’m lazy. I have a job, in fact, writing for television. (You might think this would pay the bills. I’m not going to dive into that at this time.) It’s truly incredible that I can stage full-scale off-Broadway theatrical productions but I can’t land or hold down a day job for the life of me. Perhaps it’s because I’m a millennial, an over-educated under-skilled day-dream machine, prepared for wild success and literally nothing else. Perhaps it’s because I’m still pretty scared of going outside in a pandemic. (Privilege, I know.)
Whatever the explanation, here I am again, back on the market. On the off chance you’re hiring, here’s my resume. Or something like it.
List of Emily’s Very Desirable Job Skills (Abridged)
- Babies. Love ’em. They love me. Is your baby crying? I will fix.
- Can recite whole conversations, verbatim, from memory. Will enhance for dramatic effect.
- Has read The Ethics of Spinoza four times from beginning to end. Can explain in layman’s terms.
- I can pick out exactly three (3) wine varietals from taste alone. They are Cabernet, Pinot Noir, and Chardonnay. Results may vary.
- Can write a compelling opinion piece on any stance, including one I do not hold. Will refuse to write piece arguing stance I do not hold.
- I can recite the “Hail Holy Queen,” from memory, which is unusual, even for a Catholic.
- I am a MASTER of the Fine Arts. (???)
- Adequate with power tools. Experience with hand drills, circular saw, Sawzall, router, sander, ect. Once had to kill a mouse that was trapped alive in a mouse trap while working at a hardware store. Used a hammer. Regret it deeply.
- Oh! Oh! I speak Spanish. That’s like a real skill right? I’m near-fluent in reading and listening. High proficiency speaking and writing. Oh, you need someone who speaks fluently? Never mind.
- Proficient with Adobe InDesign, because I once had to use it to create a technical handbook for an influencer marketing platform and no one in the office knew how so I just taught myself.
- Has experience with influencer marketing. Regrets it deeply.
- Did I mention my MFA?
- Can write listicles. Can write clickbait. I don’t want to, but I will.
- Experience with not-for-profit fundraising. Experience writing Letters of Intent, but not Grant Writing. Very eager to learn Grant Writing.
- Very productive procrastinator. (See this blog.)
- Author of eight full-length plays, numerous shorts, a TV pilot, a screenplay, and one musical. But who cares?
- Lots of customer service experience. (See previous bullet point.)
- Restaurant experience. (Obviously.)
Emily’s Weaknesses (Very Abridged)
- “The most conceited girl to ever walk the planet in high heels” – my ex boyfriend’s Mom
- “Fundamentally incapable of squeezing the toothpaste correctly”- my husband
- Chronic anxiety
- Thinks about the mouse I killed way too much
- Radically empathetic, bordering on self-destructive (See MFA)
- Enormous chasms of shame and guilt (See Catholic and also “liberal”)
- Not progressive enough for my friends, not conservative enough for my family. (See “liberal.”)
- Weirdly religious
- Obsessed with the mystical writings of St. Catherine of Siena (Strength?)
- Over thinker
- Will do anything to avoid writing another cover letter
That’s it for now. I have to think more about the formatting for this resume. Roast me in the comments.