The Effect of Modern Witchcraft on Manslaughter and Marigolds

The Effect of Modern Witchcraft on Manslaughter and Marigolds March 12, 2021

In response to yesterday’s post on herb magic, my friend Aidan wrote: “Where was this when I first got involved with herbalism and really had no idea just HOW MUCH 2oz of chamomile flowers really was? It’s been years and I still have a full jar. I will never not have chamomile again. I’m probably going to die and be buried with a jar of chamomile flowers.”

And man, can I sympathize. Because freaking calendula, y’all.

Toward the end of my drinking career, this narcissist dipsomaniac gentleman caller with whom I was terribly smitten asked me to make an herbal charm for a court case he had coming up. Calendula is considered lucky in matters of the law, so I phoned a few places to find some, and had the following conversation with the sales clerk of a local occult shop, which I promise I am not making up.

Clerk: “Hello, and Blessed Be! Thanks for calling [redacted]!”

Me: “Hi, I just have a quick question. Do you carry an herb called calendula?”

Clerk: “We sure do!”

Me: “Great, I’ll be right…”

Clerk: “Do you know the other name for calendula?”

Me: “Actually, I don’t. But I just wanted to see if…”

Clerk: “Marigold! So if you’re ever looking for calendula and can’t find it, you can also ask for marigold.”

Me: “Good to know.”

Clerk: “Because you see…”

[Insert 10-minute lecture on the mystical properties and various ritual uses of calendula/marigold.]

Clerk: “… so after you’ve asked the Goddess for Her permission, leave the polished stones in a silver bowl of blessed water under the Full Moon. And that’s how you use calendula correctly!”

Me: “Well, wow, that was very interesting. Thank you for the information. So I guess I’ll drop by in a bit to pick up some calendula.”

Clerk: “Ooh, sorry. We’re sold out.”

Had this interaction gone down face-to-face, no jury in the world would’ve convicted me.

Anyway, I did some more searching and finally found calendula. I made the charm, the charges against him were tossed out, and he turned out to be a rip-snorting douche-canoe. And then I got sober. Fin. But the mid-credits scene is as follows: This is my leftover calendula. Nations will rise and fall before I run out of calendula. I won’t just be buried with calendula; I will be buried in calendula. The flowers themselves are edible and apparently have medicinal qualities, but I’ve had them for so long that I don’t know if it would be safe to actually ingest them. And of course, if I throw them out or cast the petals to the winds or whatever, I’ll immediately find myself in an emergency situation where one of the other onlookers/passengers/hostages will go, “If only we had some calendula,” and everyone will look to me with hope and desperation, and I’ll have to be like, “Oh. Sorry. I got rid of it. But I do have some spikenard…?” And then we’ll all die.

At this point, I’m about ready to just stuff an oversized body pillow with calendula to serve as a surrogate snuggle buddy when my boyfriend‘s not in town. But before I start stitching, if anyone is gearing up to contest a traffic ticket or something, just let me know, and I’ll make you an herbal charm of your own. Out of a duffel bag.

About Thumper
Thumper Marjorie Splitfoot Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, an Episkopos of the Dorothy Clutterbuck Memorial Cabal of Laverna Discordia, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public from Houston, TX. You can read more about the author here.

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2 responses to “The Effect of Modern Witchcraft on Manslaughter and Marigolds”

  1. If you store your excess herbs in a tightly sealed GLASS jar, they’ll keep much, much longer. Plastic is porous and allows much faster degradation. I pitch my leftover herbs into the fire when the scent disappears after crunching it in my fingers a little. If there is no essential oil left to release a scent, they’re done for.

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