Close your eyes and picture your daughter’s wedding day… it is a day she will never forget. Now imagine you not there, not part of it, not part of the ceremony, not part of the photographs, not part of the celebration. She won’t forget that either. You missed it.
So, will you go to your daughter’s wedding if she is a lesbian? Here’s an email from a mom about this…
Question: I am struggling with an issue with my gay daughter. She came out at 18 (Now 27) and left the house and we were all devastated, but God spoke to my heart and showed me I have to love my daughter unconditionally, which I do and I accept her and her significant others in my home. Now she has met the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with and is planning a wedding in September. I always told her I would be there for her but I could never attend her wedding as I stand with God and His word that it is a Holy Matrimony between a man and woman and is an abomination to Him, and IF I am there then I am in agreement with this “union.” I have fasted and I have prayed still listening and waiting for God to show me what I should do, still I hear nothing but love her unconditionally. I have missed her choosing her dress and I cry all the time knowing I can’t be there, My HEART is so TORN…. can you shed any light on this, as I search through the internet trying to find similar stories, I feel alone. Thank you. Cynthia*
And here is my response to her…
I’m glad you wrote, Cynthia. I won’t tell you what to do. But if I were in your place, wild horses couldn’t keep me from that wedding! Your refusal will only hurt you both and further distance your relationship. It won’t make her straight, and it won’t stop her wedding.
I understand your beliefs about God’s word, but you must hear me that this has been badly misinterpreted. Please read the resources on my resources page for some wonderful insight. It will be quite illuminating.
But let’s go back to this very important part you said, that God is telling you to love her unconditionally. That’s vital! To pray for specific leading from the one who will lead you in all truth is the most important thing you can do.
And God answered you by saying to love unconditionally! Huge. That means without condition. No asterisks, no exceptions. I’m so glad to hear you’re praying and God is answering. And he did not say don’t go to her wedding.
But here’s the thing: the church has taught so much fear around this issue that honest seekers such as you are afraid to go to your own child’s wedding. What a tragedy!
I know this is very, very hard for you — because of the fear. But I entreat you not to be afraid of the direction God is leading you. You already asked. If God meant no, wouldn’t he have said no?
Not to attend her wedding is conditional. Other people have other conditions: they won’t attend a wedding of someone who’s been divorced, someone who will serve alcohol at the reception, someone who’s not a virgin, someone marrying a non-Christian, or someone of a different denomination. Those are all conditions. They may seem extremely clear in your own mind, but they’re still conditions… and God told you to love her unconditionally. 🙂
What if we just surrendered our knee-jerk reaction to gay marriage and simply embraced it? What if we just let it be, and moved on to loving? Period. It couldn’t be worse than it is right now, where people are condemning and even physically attacking LGBTQ people in God’s name. For heaven’s sake.
As I said, wild horses would not keep me from my son or daughter’s wedding.
If you are unsure about attending the wedding, what alternative would you offer her? Marry someone of opposite gender that she is not attracted to? People have tried that and it ends in destruction. It requires denying who they are, and suffering the rest of their life… or owning up to it later and getting divorced in the end, which is not fair to her and certainly not fair to the man who’d get looped into this.
Would you suggest lifelong celibacy? Well that’s a fine thing to suggest for someone else. It’s a heckuva requirement to place on someone else, to make you more comfortable! You see what I mean? God calls some people to live celibate, but you can’t put that on someone. It’s always between that person and God – no one else gets to decide. And it’s a calling, not a default.
Or would you suggest some kind of reorientation? Well, that’s what countless people have tried with devastating results. Such deadly results that the biggest proponent of “reorientation” therapy shut its doors in 2013, admitting it doesn’t work.
Or would you settle on your daughter having her wedding to the woman she wants to marry, but she’ll have to do it without you? One of the most important days of her life, a day she will remember forever — including remembering whether or not you were there and maybe explaining to her children why Grandma is not in the wedding photos? I guess of all those options, that’s the least terrible. At least she will move forward with the life that’s right for her, better than the other options.
But, you do have one more choice: Let her marry the love of her life, and YOU stand beside her, shop with her for her outfit, throw her a party, meet her friends, and sit in the chair that is reserved for you, only you, at the ceremony! Let them see the awesome mom who produced this beautiful daughter — who is strong enough to follow her heart. Let them all see that Jesus is the love He offers in the Bible… even to those the religious people would spurn! (Exactly the way we see Him doing that in the Bible.)
Here’s what you can say to God. “God, I prayed for you to change her, and you didn’t. I prayed to know how to treat her, and you said to love her unconditionally. The way I see unconditional, it means without condition. 🙂 So… I’m going to her wedding. I see Jesus loving, embracing, celebrating, and that’s what I want to do. I see religious leaders condemning and judging and excluding — and Jesus scolding them for it. My only real choice is to imitate Jesus, not imitate the religious, judgmental people he corrected. I’m going to celebrate this milestone in the life of my beautiful child You gave me! Thank you for the most wonderful daughter in the world, someone you love exactly as she is. You aren’t changing her (despite my many heartfelt prayers), so… I need to stop trying, too! My revised prayer is that you reshape my heart to be in line with yours.”
Trust God. He loves her and He loves you. You prayed and He answered. Love her unconditionally. Period.
Your place in your daughter’s wedding day was reserved exclusively for you on the day she was born.
Don’t miss it.
Love, Susan
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