Dear Susan: Did I Cause My Son To Be Gay?

Dear Susan: Did I Cause My Son To Be Gay? September 5, 2014


My heart breaks when I hear a parent say “Did I cause my child to be gay?” It hurts on so many levels – for them, for the child. I am so excited to answer this question today.

I write Dear Susan posts every Friday. Sometimes they will be poignant, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes tender, sometimes funny… but hopefully always worth the read.  🙂

Let’s do this…

Dear Susan,

My husband and I are Born-Again Christians, the Lord has worked great and mighty things in our lives, and serving the Lord is the most important thing to me. Three days ago I found a link to gay porn on the computer. After some talking, my son admitted it was him, and he’s thinks he might be gay. My husband and I just don’t know what to do. I cannot accept this at this point. Mark is only 14 years old, and I am just devastated and heartbroken. We love him so much – I am beside myself. I have gone over and over every possible parenting mistake we could have made for days now. Was it because we homeschooled and he spent too much time with me? Was it because my husband is stern? Did somebody do something to him? Have I been too protective, am I too domineering like some websites indicated? Has he not bonded properly to his Dad? And on and on and on…..we just don’t know what to do. I have cried and cried to the Lord for days now.

Cried Out

 Dear Cried Out,

I am so sorry for your wounded heart. This news from your son has upended the very life you thought you had going. In essence, you and your husband were taught and believed that if you did everything right to the best of your ability, everything would work out “perfectly” (as defined by others) and you would be spared this path you are finding so difficult to reconcile.

In other words… “Obedience In, Blessing Out.”

But God does not do that. God is not interested in everybody being as well behaved as possible. (Otherwise, Jesus would have been delighted with the Pharisees! Instead, he blasted them for their rule-focus, their hypocrisy, their legalism.) It is not about right and wrong, good and evil… It is about knowing God.

That is the life Jesus offers, one that deepens our relationship by continual relating.

I believe that God is asking you to lay down your arms, stop trying to understand or find the answers, and just rest. Let God be God.

You did not cause your son’s gayness.

Justin Lee tells in his book Torn that he had wonderful parents, no molestation, nor virtually any trauma – and yet he is gay. Your son is perfect – as he is – as he was created.

If you “caused” anything, you raised a son with a tender heart who is strong enough to come out and live a life true to himself – even though he knows that doing so will subject him to much judgement from others.

Jesus said to boldly approach the throne of grace. I pray that you will do that, and find God’s truth – and a peace that passes understanding – there.

– Susan

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