I Wept Over All The Missed Time

“I started to look at her again as my cousin whom I love, not as a ‘label.’ And I started to grieve. I grieved all the time I judged her, stayed away, labeled her, instead of just loving her. I wept over all the missed time.”

When you read this, does anyone come to mind?  Your child, parent, brother, sister, family member, dear friend?

Someone sure comes to mind for me.

We act like we have forever, that we will always have time to reconcile – but it’s a lie and it’s a trap. And the clock ticks, and days, weeks, months, years go by. What are we waiting for? In the midst of our differences, the labels we place on each other, isn’t family more important? Isn’t love powerful enough to bring us together?

I want to share a story with you. It came from my friend. She and I have talked about her cousin several times. I hope it touches your heart as it did mine…

Sixteen years ago I got an invitation in the mail to attend my cousin Becky’s wedding. Sadly to me, at the time, she was marrying another woman. Oh brother…  I was quite disgusted by that as I was a ‘good Christian’ in a very fundamentalist church and felt she was sinning and going to hell.  

She lived about 45 minutes away from me and I hadn’t talked to her since she came out as a lesbian. I thought it was so tender and loving of her to invite me but how could I go to a gay wedding?? I discussed it all with a friend from church, who said I couldn’t go, that it would be wrong and would show that I support what she is doing…. which I didn’t.  So I wrote her a note stating I loved her but that I had found a better way – loved her but couldn’t go because I didn’t agree with her lifestyle.

She got married and time marched on. Several years later, she got cancer and was in and out of the hospital where I work. One of my other cousins would let me know when she would go into the hospital and I started to wonder about going to see her. After a bit, I finally did, scared she wouldn’t want to see me because I didn’t go to her wedding.  I was also scared because she was a lesbian and I didn’t know how to act around someone ‘so different.’  And I didn’t approve…

So I finally went to see her and she was so glad. I was too and hugged her so close. It was so, so good, so right to see her. I started visiting her more frequently as her time at the hospital increased. Our visits became longer. Then I saw her wife a few times and it felt right too.  

OMG, what is wrong with me? What am I doing here with these women??

My cousin became more and more ill and eventually went home with hospice. I started going to their home, about every other day. I started to be one of her two caretakers. I started to look at her again as my cousin, my family, whom I love, not as some ‘label.’ 

And I started to grieve.  

I grieved all the time I judged her, stayed away, labeled her – instead of just loving her as my family and as another human being who deserved love and acceptance as I did, as everyone does.

I wept over all the missed time.

One day as she was becoming much weaker, she asked me to come sit with her on the bed. I did. She hugged me and said “We’ve had a lot of distance and time between us, but we’re okay now, it’s all ok. I love you.”

She died a week later.

I miss my her terribly at times. I miss the times we could have had. I am just so glad God grew my heart, and I dropped the walls so we could again be cousins,family –  loving each other as we were and be in each others’ lives before she passed.

About four years after she passed away, my son came out as gay.

I am no longer at that fundamental, legalistic church. My beliefs have changed since the LGBTQ community has personally touched my life – since my cousin and now even more since our son came out. I love him unconditionally- and God has been giving me opportunity for my theology, my thoughts etc to catch up with the God-given love I have for my son.  

I am still learning, stripping away the old wrong beliefs, researching and growing. But I am at peace.

I think of my cousin often and believe that somehow she knows about our son and loves him from a distance.  I so wish we could have coffee and talk about all of this once in a while.  I love her and I miss her. 

The most important thing though, is that God gave us a chance to heal and to love again before she died. And I believe she is with me now in all the change I have gone through and continue to go through.

Above all, love. On this journey, and in life, that is all we have that will last forever! That’s what Jesus came to do, to show us how to love.

I miss someone too. I pray God blesses us with the opportunity – and the hearts – to heal.

Life is short. Live it.

Love is enough. Accept it. Give it.