Expectations: The Heart of Loneliness

“Loneliness is America’s poverty.” – Mother Teresa

How many people in your life could you call in a middle-of-the-night, dire-straits, emergency? Two? One? For most of us, if we don’t count family, we may have no one we can really put our weight on when we need it. This includes those who faithfully attend church every week. For years.

I have been in a handful of churches throughout my adulthood. I am a married, articulate, likeable mother of five. I’m loyal and easy to get along with. And I can think of no one from my 20+ years of church attendance that I could call in an emergency.

No one.

Think about that.

At the time, I may have had a few women I could have called on. But those relationships did not last the test of time and times of testing.

Before you start wondering what is wrong with me, let me tell you: it’s not just me. This is an endemic problem in our churches. Large and small, across denominations, around the country, we have epidemic loneliness. We are essentially doing life alone.

Why?

Expectations.

Expectations placed on us by others… fluid standards of right and wrong. What is the most evil question we ever ask ourselves… “What will other people think?”

Expectations placed on us by God. Well, not really by God, but by churches as they determine right and wrong and then convey to us that if we don’t meet the current standard, God is disappointed. Sometimes angry. Sometimes even disgusted.

So, we don’t meet the expectations of others or of God. We tell ourselves we are a disappointment. What does that produce in us? A desire to lock the doors, close the shades and hide. Alone, but safe.

Expectations are the heart of loneliness.

Why is this happening? It is because we are behavior-based instead of relationship-based. By that I mean that many of our churches put a high premium on behavior instead relationship.

In the behavior-based church, the priest or pastor talks about right or wrong and we work our hardest to do right and avoid wrong. Those who do wrong pay a high price for it. Just ask a pregnant teen if she feels fully and unconditionally welcomed and accepted going to church with her “sin” out in front. What about divorcees? Or those who struggle with pornography? Or those who have been in jail? These are present in your church, in every church.

I’ll tell you now, the answer is no.

And are there churches where you do not feel unconditionally welcomed and accepted just because of who you are… young, black, hispanic, female? And people who are gay – well, forget about it.

Does that sound like a safe place?  Does that sound like a place where you feel comfortable just being your wonderfully imperfect self? Or does it sound like a place where you have to hide because you don’t meet expectations?

It is a setting in which loneliness flourishes.

What do we do? What option do we have if not to pay attention to behavior – isn’t that the point?

It’s a good question, because we have been so conditioned to believe our acceptance depends on behavior that we don’t see any other way. God will be happy with you if you’re good and mad at you if you’re bad: our churches teach this every Sunday without questioning its underlying assumptions.

And it is even considered devotion to God to judge and reject others based on their behavior.

Contrast that to how Jesus interacted with people.

Jesus interacted with people always from a point of relationship. Always. He told people that their faith has made them whole. He healed when it was against the law. He told people there was a better way to live. He focused on the heart, when the religious leaders focused on outward appearance.

To teach that our faith is about behavior instead of relationship is to turn the whole thing upside-down and inside-out. It is why the truth of Jesus, his heart and teachings, have very little in common with much of today’s expectation-driven Christianity.

We are not safe with each other, and in our churches because we’re deathly afraid we’re not good enough. We’re afraid we are going to do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, even ask the wrong question, then be judged by it.

We are not safe because we are terrified that we do not live up to the ever-changing, subjective expectations of others and ultimately the misinterpreted and misrepresented expectations of God.

So we hide. And we are lonely.

How different from the heart of God’s grace and unconditional love, and the life Jesus modeled for us.

We lock our doors. We pull the blinds. And we settle for hiding all alone – even from those closest to us.

Well, I refuse to live this way anymore. I have lost too much time. I am tired of being lonely.

I want to just love people where they are, for who they are. And I want to be loved the same way.

How about you?

I am no longer at a behavior-based church. Instead, I’m in a relationship-based progressive church, and even though it’s small, and we’ve been there just over a year, I can think of several people I could call on if needed.

I know in my heart and my soul the truth that God’s love for me is perfect and unconditional – as I am. I know that I am whole and complete. I know that simply by living as God created me, by simply loving God and others, I do indeed meet every single expectation God has for me.

As far as others… well, their expectations constantly change, have nothing to do with truth, and I am just not going to play that game anymore.

I’ve stopped asking the question, “What will people think?”

I will pull up the shades, throw open the doors and windows and just be.

Me.

And I will love you for just being. You.