You beautiful, aloof creature. You’re one of the most revered and honored creatures . . . but you’re also very hard to pin down. You’re an interesting mix of empathetic politician and pragmatic dreamer. You believe in the power of justice, but you also believe in the power of protecting yourself. You’re always willing to lend a hand, but not to the point where it will negatively affect you.
The message in a birthday card from my wife or one of my best friends? A text I sent to myself on a day when I needed cheering up and no one was cooperating? No—this is what followed “You are an Elf,” the result of the latest Buzzfeed quiz Which Mythical Creature Are You? You can’t beat these quizzes for putting a positive and uplifting spin on every possible result. I have a Facebook acquaintance who was fine with finding out from the Which One Of Jesus’s Disciples Are You? quiz that she is Judas Iscariot (I’m Thomas, of course), because the description affirmed that she is comfortable with being an outsider and dancing to the beat of her own drum. Each of these quizzes affirms something about me that others might not be happy to find out about themselves—being aloof and self-interested, for instance. 
Big deal—I embrace it and my elfhood. And Elf-Queen Galadriel (known to mere mortals as Cate Blanchett) won this year’s Best Actress Academy Award. Elves are on a roll.
It has been a Buzzfeed quiz pretty much every other day for a while now. For instance, in the Which U.S. President Are You? quiz, I learned that You are Barack Obama! 
Well that’s not a surprise (although my cousin told me that my high school senior picture looked like George Washington on the dollar bill).
You are pure class and shy away from drama. You are very charismatic and eloquent, and you find it natural and easy to communicate your ideas and opinions to people. You’re a pioneer, a glass ceiling breaker in effect. Here’s to you.
Here’s to me indeed, especially since my son Justin got Ronald Reagan. I avoided that by not clicking on jellybeans as my favorite candy (although they are). I really don’t know where I went wrong with that kid. But the above description of my Barack Obama-ness was clearly written by a progressive liberal. If it had been written someone who attended the 
Conservative Political Action Conference this week, the description would have read something like this:
You are evil incarnate and are on a temporary, eight-year leave from one of the lower circles of hell. You are a socialist, hate people who have made successes of themselves without government help, and are a socialist. You are responsible for everything bad that happens, from Benghazi to snow storms. You secretly wish you were the King of Kenya. You are both a tyrant and a wimp. And you are a socialist. Benghazi. Obamacare. Socialist.
Sometimes I get contrary information, such as when I find out from the Which Character From Shakespeare Are You? quiz that
You are Hamlet! You are a tremendously complex character: thoughtful, complex, indecisive, impulsive, careless, melancholy, and more, all at once. So let’s hope you don’t die after being stabbed by a poisoned sword, while learning from the What Period of History Do You Really Belong In? quiz that
You got Revolutionary France: You don’t want to eat any cake, thank you very much, because that is too mainstream. You’re edgy, passionate, and outspoken. When you want something, you go out and get it. Now off with some heads! Hamlet during the French Revolution—I can’t see that working.
To guillotine, or not to guillotine–that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageously overprivileged aristocrats
Or to take arms against a sea of peasants
And by opposing them let them eat cake.
I suspect that the creator of the historical period quiz needs to take my Development of Western Civilization course, since the background picture to “Revolutionary France” was a still shot from the recent Les Miserables movie. That was set during the 1832 revolution, while the one where they cut heads off began in 1789. Oh well—I’m sure the French were obnoxious in both of them.
Against all odds, the Who Were You In Your Past Life? test revealed that
You were an ancient philosopher! You are a quiet soul who enjoys reading and writing above all else. Y
ou spend a lot of your time thinking about religion, philosophy and how to make the world a better place. Just like your past-self, you are likely to influence others around you.
Wow, who knew that I like to think about all of that stuff? Who knew that I like to read and write? I should start a blog! So when the Which Philosopher Are You? quiz came along the next week, I waited breathlessly for the result. Socrates? Thales? Plato? Anaxagoras? Aristotle? Epicurus? Lucretius? Heraclitus? Parmenides? Protagoras? Marcus Aurelius? Not exactly.
You are Immanuel Kant! When making moral decisions, you try not to have double standards and always ask yourself whether you’d be happy for others to act in the same way as you do. You always try not to be selfish.
These quizzes need to coordinate their results. Not only is Immanuel Kant not an ancient philosopher, he’s not even in my top ten favorite philosophers—for the very reasons revealed in the description—although I’ve taught him many times. First of all, Kant’s philosophy is a monument to consistency and certainty at the expense of reality, but I have often suggested—even in this blog—that both certainty and consistency are vastly overrated. 
Furthermore, Kantian concerns for others conflict with my elvish concerns for my own self-interest. Finally, rumor has it that Kant was a wonderful host and threw great parties, hardly something that my elvish aloofness or my Hamlet-esque melancholy could tolerate.
I probably got Immanuel because he was Prussian, and according to the What European Country Do You Actually Belong In? quiz,
You got Germany! You’re incredibly hardworking, efficient, and disciplined. If you promise to get something done, you absolutely will. You can come across as a bit too serious, but deep down you’re great fun.
These people are truly plugging into my psyche. I’m currently team-teach
ing a colloquium that is spending a full semester in the middle of Nazi Germany, my daughter-in-law Alisha is from Germany, I have referred to Kevin, my personal trainer at the gym, as the “red-headed Nazi” on recent Saturdays after Friday morning torture sessions, and I was told by a previous quiz that I am Johann Sebastian Bach. Deutschland Über Alles.
Keep the quizzes coming—they are better than therapy (and a lot cheaper)! In a comment thread following a colleague’s report that the “mythical creature” quiz revealed he is a Phoenix, some humorless person wrote “You do know that these things are fraught with phishing scams, malware, and other hacking attempts, right?” Shut up—no one likes a Buzzfeed kill.
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