Thoughts at 29 weeks

I haven’t written much of substance lately. I know “pregnancy brain” is a common complaint of women who are expecting, and I guess it’s possible I’m experiencing some of that. But, I have been thinking. I have been pondering. I have composed about 15 draft posts which I then deleted because even though I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about various things, I can’t figure out how to say exactly what it is I want to .

I’m fearful that my comments will come across as being too much of a Debbie Downer, when that’s not really my intention at all. Or even how I’m feeling. I’m not sad. When we were having trouble conceiving, I was sad. I was probably even mildly depressed at one point. That’s not how it is now. Now, I’m anxious, and excited, and a little overwhelmed with the sheer possibility of it all.

We’re ten weeks away from bringing our daughter into the world. And I’m beginning to feel anxious about the kind of world she’s going to come to. I’m not fool enough to wax poetic for some kind of “good old days” when there would have been no problems and everyone got along. The last “good old days” on this Earth were in the Garden of Eden. Evil has been here since the Fall, and it will be here until the Second Coming. I *know* this. I knew this when we conceived her.

Yet, somehow, it seems to matter more. Atticus and I, we are grown ups. We know what the world is like. We have even managed to navigate it for over twenty years each, with God’s grace.

But this little girl, she is so innocent. Right now she is kicking away inside me, and she has no idea that other little girls and boys are being ripped from their mothers wombs as I type this. She doesn’t know that she will be born into a world that sees individual freedom and avoidance of suffering as the highest goods, even if that means using violence against human beings to achieve what we want. She’s blissfully unaware of the fact that because she is a girl born into this culture, this world, she will have to learn to face and navigate a world that hates her. A world that wants her to deny her own dignity, and will be more than happy to deny it for her, in the event that she is unwilling to do it herself.

I’m anxious because she has to come out. I mean, it would get awkward for everyone if she was 5 and still inside me. 😉 What I mean is, now I can protect her. I can shield her from all the crap in this world, by absorbing it myself. But once she is born, my ability to protect her will begin to decrease. At some point I’ll have to relinquish that ability, so she can learn for herself.

The last few weeks, I feel so much more acutely all the evil in the world. I see how, far from proclaiming the person of Jesus and the message of the Gospel, the Church’s body (aka US) squabbles about things like whether or not women should wear pants, and if we actually *need* to listen to the Bishops when they talk about things like war and torture. It does not inspire confidence.

The devil loves this. He loves to make us all feel overwhelmed by evil and give in to despair. Then he can block out God. Then the putrid, disgusting devil can try to make us forget that God has already won. That despite all the evil in the world, regardless of how the world is now, that God has won the battle, and we are living through the devil’s death throes. I have to keep telling myself that, especially on days like today. I have to listen to this song, and remember that Christ has risen above it all.

Beneath the weight of all our sin

You bowed to none but Heaven’s will

No scheme of Hell, no scoffer’s crown

No burden great can hold You down

In strength You reign

Forever let Your church proclaim

Christ is risen from the dead

Trampling over death by death

Come awake, come awake

Come and rise up from the grave    – Matt Maher “Christ is Risen”

It’s so hard to not get bogged down in feeling overwhelmed by how the world is. It makes me wonder about how Mary felt before she gave birth to Jesus. Of course she knew he would be holy, would be of God, but I’m sure she also knew that he would be a b-a-b-y. He would be innocent like all babies are, unaware of what the world can do. And she would want nothing more than to protect him. I know that my daughter will grow up to be a sinner, just like I am. She will have grace, and God-willing, will cling to her faith, but she will be sinner, just as we all are. How much more would this desire to protect have been in Mary, knowing that her precious baby would never be a sinner. That he would be the one to take all the world’s sin on Himself, to make it possible for any of us to know God.

I think of that scene from The Nativity Story where Mary and Joseph are talking about the unborn Jesus, and Joseph says, “I wonder if I will be able to teach him anything at all.” Of course it makes sense to feel this way when you know you will be the earthly father of God. But I find myself wondering the same thing about our precious daughter. Will I be able to teach her anything at all?

I already love this child with all my heart, but sometimes I feel that my heart is very, very small.

I’m so very excited to meet her and begin the adventure of parenthood, but at the same time, I rub my belly nightly, tell her I love her, and thank God that she’s coming, but she’s not here yet.