No More Mommy Wars: On Baby Sleep

In today’s installment of No More Mommy Wars, Kaitilin of More Like Mary, More Like Me writes about her experience with infant sleep. I am so grateful to her for sharing her story here.

On Baby Sleep

When Sarah asked if I was interested in writing a post for the No More Mommy Wars series, I immediately knew which topic I should write about. For me, no parenting topic has been the source of more judgement than sleep. Or should I say lack of sleep.

At first it was me who was judging. When I was pregnant with my first baby, Hannah, I read every Dr. Sears book I could get my hands on. Most of my mom-friends embraced some or all of the “Attachment Parenting” philosophy. It was what I knew and what I believed was the best parenting style for us. Cut to actual life with an actual baby….not so much.

I’ve actually written this guest post twice. I wrote it a week ago and then deleted it. I deleted it because I learned something from writing that first post. I decided it was much more relevant to share what I learned than to share the original post itself. In that post, I explained our entire “sleep saga” with Hannah. I documented how we dealt with sleep in those early weeks and the nightmare that it quickly led to. I wrote about the decision to finally let her cry it out and how it really wasn’t that bad. Then I chronicled our discovery of, wait for it…..

Babywise. Bom bom bom. Attachment Parenting’s arch nemesis.

We’ve used most of the Babywise principals our second time around with our son, Paul. Although it’s only been seven weeks, it’s already a stark contrast to the way we dealt with sleep with Hannah.

I ended that first post with a nice little reflection about how I used to judge parents who let their poor, helpless children cry but now I count myself among them and deal with the shame and judgement of all those APers who haven’t come to the same conclusions I have about the importance of getting some sleep. As I was reading back over it though, I realized that while I was writing a post about being judged for choosing a certain sleep method, I was attempting to justify my decisions in the hopes that I wouldn’t be judged! It was like I needed to prove that our decision to let Hannah cry and to try a different approach with Paul was really the best option for our family. I subconsciously wanted you readers to know that we really had to do it. That we had no other option. And that we aren’t heartless, cruel, unloving parents.

But if I told you the number of times Hannah woke up at night, it would be as if I was saying that any fewer wouldn’t have been an acceptable reason to let her cry. Or if I mentioned how long it took us to get her to fall asleep, that any parent who spent less time than us wouldn’t be justified in making the same decision. And if I told you how old she was when she finally, finally, finally slept through the night after just a few nights of crying, well then I’d be implying that it would be inappropriate for any baby younger than her to do the same.

Suffice it to say that we weren’t happy with our situation and we did what we needed to do to make it better. It was right for our family. It worked for us. I don’t need to write an entire blog post explaining how we finally arrived at the decision in order to add my two cents to the mommy wars discussion. The facts of how and why we did what we did and do what we do are irrelevant. What matters is that I’m taking care of my kids in the way that I know best and in the way I believe God intends for me to do so. And that I give other moms the same benefit of the doubt for their sleep decisions that I’m expecting anyone who reads this will give to me.

Getting babies to sleep sucks. There are a thousand and one ways to do it and you’ll be judged for choosing each and every one. I know, because I’ve judged you. And I’ve been on the receiving end of some really judgmental comments. But who are we to assume we know what is best for someone else’s child? Who are we to cast judgement on a mother for choosing a different way to raise her children? We don’t need the details of her life. We don’t need to know if she was having to wake up three times each night or thirty to decide if she’s “justified” in her decision. What we need to do is take a breath, stop caring about what other mothers are doing, and stop caring about what those same mothers think of us.

I know, I know. Much easier said than done.  But the fact that I picked up Babywise, let alone actually read and implemented it, after my strict attachment philosophy shows that I’m capable of doing what’s best for my family despite outside pressure to choose a different way. And I hope that, if you’re unhappy with your sleeping situation, you’ll be able to change your mind as many times as you like without feeling the wrath of other mothers.

Moms need sleep. Babies need sleep. Do what works for you. And treat yourself to a huge cup of morning coffee no matter how many hours of consecutive sleep you got the night before.

Because that glorious newborn sleep

Hannah sleeping at 2 weeks

Paul sleeping at 2 weeks

doesn’t last forever.