“Oh, is this your first?”

It seems like an innocent question, “Oh, is this your first?” But inside of me I am not sure how to respond. Do I say, “No, no, it’s my second?” or do I say, “Actually, this is my sixth.” And then watch as they look quizzically for the remainder. Sometimes if I feel a certain kinship with the questioner, I’ll go into it, but then more often than not, I don’t like to hear them say, “Oh, I went through a miscarriage.” It’s not the phrase; it’s just the way it is said; kind of like it dismisses my experiences. And, well, I don’t think those experiences should or can be dismissed. Or maybe that’s just the way that they have come to terms with it.

In a society that recognizes child-loss, but not necessarily the grief that is involved in miscarriages – let alone multiple miscarriages – it’s sometimes hard to be open about something that is common to so many women. Wrapped up in every child, and every child lost, is a hope, a dream, a wish and a dua. For us – yes, for me and my husband, Josh – we hoped and prayed and with each loss it became harder. Funny, though, the fourth child that we accepted to the decree of Allah to be with Him was the one that left us most hopeful. We found out what was wrong and were, Alhamdulillah, paired with an ob/gyn who knew exactly what the problem may be.

Sometimes I think I am being too sensitive or too emotional. I have been told that while I may have lost four, at least I have a son, mashaAllah, Alhamdulillah. Or that well this other sister has lost five and nothing to show for it. I am not sure how to wrap my head and heart around that; losing a child, is just that, losing a child. It is not a number nor can one child replace another; ask any parent of multiple children. I carried them for the time appointed and then they went to Allah. I have been told that well, at least you didn’t have to bury your children or see them or name them. Perhaps, but does it lessen the pain or the knowledge that while my body, my heart and my soul acknowledged a being inside of me, would I have want to bury those children? Maybe, give myself some closure…

As we enter the third trimester, I am apprehensive, yet hopeful. I only begin now to really understand the precariousness of being between hope and fear, and raise my hands in prayer asking Allah to do what is best.

There is no hiding my pregnancy this time. I am as they say, all belly, alhamdulillah. So the questions keep coming and I try to answer as best as I can. I am also determined to enjoy every minute of it even in an underlying state of fear, enveloped in hope.

I am reminded of the beautiful words as excerpted from Sr Yasmin Mogahed:

“One can imagine few calamities more painful than the loss of a child. And yet, even this loss could happen to save us and give us something greater. The Prophet said, “If the child of a servant (of Allah) dies, Allah says to His angels, ‘Have you taken the child of My servant?’ The angels reply, ‘Yes.’ Allah says to them, ‘Have you taken the fruit of his heart?’ They reply, ‘Yes.’ Then Allah says to them, ‘What did My servant say?’ The angels reply, ‘He praised Allah and said ‘To Allah do we return.’ Allah tells them, ‘Build a home for My servant in Paradise and call it Baytul Hamd (the House of Praise).’ ”[Tirmidhi]

“When Allah takes something as beloved from us as a child, it may be that He has taken it in order to give us something greater. It may be because of that loss, that we are admitted into paradise — an eternal life with our child. And unlike our life here, it is an everlasting life where our child will have no pain, fear or sickness.”

May Allah bless all the children and protect them. May they be the comfort and coolness of their parents’ eyes.

Omaira Alam

Omaira is Torontonian from Canada trying to adjust to life in the desert in the Valley of the Sun in Phoenix, AZ while jointly homeschooling her 5 year old son with her former-US Navy husband, Josh. She is an education consultant and course facilitator with the Islamic Teacher Education Program (islamicteachereducation.com). When she’s not busy with all that, you can find her musings on education on her own blog at blackboardwhitechalk.wordpress.com.