Dealing With Anxiety

Anxiety is real

“I have anxiety.”

Having to say those words once gave me heart palpitations. I am past that, now. Though overwhelming feelings still consume me at times, I am learning how to navigate my emotions as they bubble over.

Given my active social life, one would never know the extent of my anxiety. I hide it pretty well.

There were moments I was a hot mess and needed to find a quiet place to breathe. This usually ended up being a bathroom stall at a banquet hall during events I had to attend.

Learning to manage my stress and anxiety through prayer, meditation, and my connection with God is what works best for me.

We all handle things differently

Everyone is different and handles their stress through various means. Just because one method of coping has worked for you, does not mean it will work for others.

I appreciate the well-intentioned efforts of friends, but my journey is my own and what may bring you ease may only add to my frustrations.

We cannot expect that prayer and meditation or professional care and medication will be the best solution for each person. Each individual, or their caretaker, has to work towards finding the best possible methods that suit that particular situation.

In my views, the first step is the hardest. That is to recognize there is an issue and admit that something may not be right. The second step is talking to someone, preferably a professional, about it.

Knowing our needs and our bodies, we must find ways to assess which method of assistance is best for our situation and seek opportunities to learn about those methods.

Being conscious of your shortcomings, health issues, or flawed attributes takes strength. People find it difficult to admit their flaws.

I am no less a human for having deficiencies. It makes me real, raw, and honest that I can come to terms with where I may need to improve or issues I need to focus on for a better state of mind.

We are not perfect creations and we must be ok with knowing our flaws and seeking opportunities to make ourselves stronger, more vibrant, and focused people.

9/11 made my anxiety evident

I noticed my anxiety when I was in my early 20’s. With the tragedy of 9/11 and the rise of Islamophobia that followed, my world took a drastic turn.

As an activist and advocate working locally and nationally on issues impacting Arab Americans, I was thrown into political and religious work with force.

Prior to 9/11, I worked on domestic, rather than foreign policy matters.

Post 9/11, I grappled with many concerns as I watched the nation collapse and a myriad of emotions consume people. Hate crimes occurred daily with a rise of 600%. That scared the hell out of me.

Discrimination towards Muslims was increasing and I constantly worried about the safety of my Muslim brothers and sisters. Nowhere felt safe in America, our home.

An unsafe place

People openly assaulted, verbally attacked, and maliciously sought to hurt innocent people because of their religion.

I was disgusted and most of all, scared for my safety and the safety of others. Due to the rise in hate crimes, I did not travel by plane for over a year and rarely left the metropolitan Detroit area alone.

I delved into my work with organizations like ADC Michigan, Lebanese American Heritage Club, Council on American Islamic Relations, Arab American Institute, and ACCESS, among others. I focused on my community, their needs, and how to keep them aware, protected and safe.

Beginning to notice my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies, I recognized those initial issues and worries post 9/11 made other aspects of my anxiety get worse.

I was often teetering on the edge of an anxiety attack while doing my service work. I felt overwhelmed and knew something was not right. Because I was so busy, I put my well-being on the back burner.

That was the worst thing I could ever do to myself.

The Need for Control

Being in a place where I had no control of what was happening around me left me flustered, flushed and ready to run for the door.

Speaking to large crowds was a breeze. I was in control of the situation and was not a spectator.

Though, sporting events, concerts, stadiums…all left me uneasy and uncomfortable. I could not control any aspect of the environment.

A friend once saw panic set in as we attended a basketball game for the first time post 9/11 and held my hand to reassure me everything would be ok.

The thought of being in a large crowd while non-Muslims were drinking excessively, frightened me. I was constantly looking over my shoulder and on alert at all times.

I could handle some sporting events, though baseball is one that I have only witnessed twice in my life and have no desire to attend, ever.

Knowing I was one in a sea of people, many who may never have encountered a Muslim woman in hijab, scared me.

Add alcohol to the equation and it could be a recipe for disaster.

“I killed people like you in Iraq.”

“Go back to where you came from.”

“We don’t need terrorists in our country.”

As vile would spew from the mouths of ignorant Caucasian Americans, I continued to build walls around myself and setting boundaries.

Fear for my well-being

Though I love to watch sports, in a post 9/11 society, I needed to be conscious of my surroundings. Caring for my well-being was more important than attending events.

So, I avoided them if I was uncomfortable.

Every so often, something triggers a complete shutdown of my system. When this happens, I do my best to go off by myself to regain composure and gather my bearings.

It has happened in public places and bewilderment fills my eyes. For those who know me well, they gently nudge me to take a moment of quiet.

After a few minutes, whether I make dua (supplication), listen to a few verses from the Holy Qur’an, or do some breathing techniques, I am back in the game.

If I am too overwhelmed, I simply excuse myself and leave.

When it becomes an issue

I once used to wash my hands about 75 times a day. If I touched someone or something, I would wash my hands.

Over and over again, sometimes until red and raw, I never felt clean enough. If someone interrupted my mission to find a sink and kept me from washing my hands, I would find any excuse to complete my task.

Once it was in my mind, it had to be done.

While doing Wudhu (ablution for prayer), I would do it twice. I was worried I had not done it correctly the first time and wanted to make sure it was done properly.

My closet was coordinated by type of clothing and color coordinated after that.

Shoes were aligned, color coordinated and labeled if still in boxes.

Mom wanted to kill me for having 138 pairs of shoes at one point in my life.

If something was out of place, it stressed me out. I would get irritated and upset.

And yes, it had even brought me to tears, at times.

That is when I knew that it was more than stress and this was something I needed to address with a professional.

Seeing a professional

When I spoke to the doctor about the stress I was feeling and the anxiety attacks that left me feeling like I was having a heart attack, he suggested medication.

What do you mean, medication? I simply like things neat, orderly, and clean?!

Never wanting to get near a pill for any reason, I snapped out of it. Taking medication for anxiety was not an option and I knew I needed to find other ways to manage my stress and anxiety levels.

Speaking to several close friends about the issues I was having helped me to realize that I was not alone.

The fear of harassment, potential harm to me or someone I love, and insane workloads and travels was pushing me to the edge.

It helped me to talk to a professional about these fears and how it was impacting my life.

Obtaining quality advice on how to manage these emotions and find their root provided me with clarity and understanding.

Talking about these things brought me comfort. Being able to focus my energy into methods that would help to clear my mind gave me room for growth and insight.

Out of my hands

“And He gave you of all that you asked for, and if you count the blessings of Allah, never will you be able to count them?” – Holy Qur’an, 14:34

I focused my efforts on reconnecting with God in a more profound and spiritual way. It was more than salaat (prayers), charity, and fasting.

I traveled to Hajj (pilgrimage to Mecca) four times.

My bond with God would help me in ways that a doctor could not.

For me, that relationship with my Creator would be my salvation and sanctuary. I immersed myself in my commitment to Him and opening my heart to the One who created my soul.

I knew that no one on this Earth could give me the love, support, and strength I needed to get through hardships like God could.

Giving my heart and tortured pieces of my soul to Allah (subhaana wa taa’ala) was what brought me peace.

It helped me to ease the stress and worries that consumed me and understand that I could not control everything around me.

That ultimately, God was in control.

Hajj 2013

Going to Hajj for the first time in 2013 gave me a great deal of anxiety. I was already in an emotional state and knowing there would be millions around me, set off alarms.

Being OCD and having anxiety regarding cleanliness and crowds makes a place like Hajj seem overwhelming and daunting.

I had to do a great deal of mental preparation for Hajj. I knew that I could not let anxiety get the best of me on this trip.

Equipped with countless packets of Clorox wipes, anti-bacterial sanitizing gels, and even plastic gloves, I was prepared!

I knew that my cleaning arsenal would protect me as much as possible from the germs of millions of pilgrims and the lack of cleanliness in the densely populated areas of Medina and Mecca.

God had a sense of humor and taught me a lesson. While in ihram, none of these items can be used. So I had to deal with it and use water, only.

**Having tawakkul (reliance on God).**

Learning to put my trust in God was a difficult concept, initially.

As a control freak, I always felt that I could find a way to get a handle on a situation. Even if it was spiraling out of control.

“When you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah.” – Holy Qur’an, 3:159

Keeping praise of God on my lips and in my heart served as a reminder that I am no greater than the One who created me.

That whatever God has planned for me, I will accept and welcome. God is the All-Knowing and Almighty.

At the end of the day, I had to give it to God and let it go. Holding onto things that were out of my control caused me detriment.

It would eat away at me that I could not accomplish a goal or get a situation handled.

Leaving things to God was an amazing release. I no longer felt weighed down by burdens.

The 99 Names of Allah

Perhaps it sounds silly, though I began with the simple desire to begin where it all starts; God.

Who is my God? What makes my God so extraordinary?

I started to read about God and wanted to understand the attributes of our Lord and the meaning behind the 99 names of Allah (God).

Each name left me more enamored with the idea of my supreme Creator.

The first five names I had read into are what pushed me closer to the idea of learning more about the benefit of God in our lives and how to increase that closeness and conviction.

Al-Hadi: The Provider of Guidance – The Guide, The One whom with His Guidance His believers were guided, and with His Guidance, the living beings have been guided to what is beneficial for them and protected from what is harmful to them.
Al-Muhyi: The Maintainer of Life – The Restorer, The Giver of Life, The One who took out a living human from semen that does not have a soul. He gives life by giving the souls back to the worn out bodies on the resurrection day and He makes the hearts alive by the light of knowledge.
Al-Ghufoor: The Great Forgiver – The All-Forgiving, The Forgiving, The One who forgives a lot
Al-Wadud The Loving One – The One who loves His believing slaves and His believing slaves love Him. His love for His slaves is His Will to be merciful to them and praise them
Al-Hakam: The Impartial Judge – The Judge; he is the ruler and His judgment is His word

Five things that bring me ease during stressful moments

It is in my remembrance of God that I find relief. Often, it is immediate.

“Who have believed and whose hearts have rest in the remembrance of Allah. Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!” – Holy Qur’an, 13:28

No matter what kind of day I am having, these things bring me comfort and help me to find clarity.

Read Ayat Al Kursi – (Verse of the Throne)

I recite this verse in Arabic when I first wake up, before sleeping, before driving my vehicle and before starting my day at work.

When I am struggling, no matter the situation, I immediately recite this to bring my heart ease and to give me protection from whatever hardship may come my way.

“Allah! There is no God save Him, the Alive, the Eternal. Neither slumber nor sleep overtakes Him. Unto Him belongs whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth. Who is he that intercedes with Him save by His leave? He knows that which is in front of them and that which is behind them, while they encompass nothing of His knowledge save what He will. His throne includes the heavens and the earth, and He is never weary of preserving them. He is the Sublime, the Tremendous.” – Holy Qur’an; 2:255

Ayat Al Kursi (in English – transliterated) :
Allahu la ilaha illa huwa Al -Haiyul-Qaiyum
La ta’khudhuhu sinatun wa la nawm
lahu ma fi as-samawati wa ma fil-‘ard
Man dhal-ladhi yashfa’u ‘indahu illa bi-idhnihi
Ya’lamu ma bayna aydihim wa ma khalfahum
wa la yuhituna bi shai’in min ‘ilmihi illa bima sha’a
Wasi’a kursiyuhus-samawati wal ard
wa la ya’uduhu hifdhuhuma wa Hu wal ‘Aliyul-Adheem

Tasbeeh of Sayeda Fatima Az Zahraa (as)
- Allahu Akbar (God is Great) 34 times
- Alhamduilillah (Thanks be to God) 33 times
- Subhan’Allah (All praise to God) 33 times
- La Illaha Il Allah (There is no God, but God) 1 time
Supplication of any kind

I take a moment to rid my mind of any unhealthy thoughts and with a sincere heart, supplicate to my Lord and ask for ease, patience, strength, and focus.

Recite short chapters of the Holy Qur’an for protection, their benefits are extraordinary. The 4 Quls are my quick fix.

Al Hamd (Fatiha)
Al Ikhlaas
An Nas
Al Falaq
Al Kafiroun

Pray

No matter where I am, dropping everything I am doing to have a moment in conversation with God is always a sure way to connect with the All-Powerful.

If I have the ability to make Wudhu (ablution for prayer) and pray. Offering 2 rakat (prostrations), I share how grateful I am to my Creator.

I also do my best to visit holy Islamic sites. It brings my soul ease to be among the spirits of Prophets and walk where they once had.

Lebanon is filled with gravesites of Prophets. It is amazing to know that so many Prophets have walked the land of my ancestors.

Have some appreciation

At times I get so wrapped up in my own difficulties and moments of dismay that I forget to be appreciative and conscious of the fact that I am better off than most.

I try to remind myself to count my blessings and maintain a more positive attitude and outlook on life.

If you find yourself struggling, pick up the phone and call someone. Do not be afraid to share what brings you unease or hardship.

There are people who love you and want to listen. You are not alone.

There are professionals who can give sound advice and help you find a path that is best for you.

If you are overwhelmed and stressed out, feeling like the burdens of life are weighing you down, please, reach out and touch base with someone and share your feelings.

There are professionals available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Do not hesitate to make a call or read more information on a topic that peaks your interest.