10 Commandments for Driving Your Pastor Crazy (Or Away)

1. Thou shalt overlook the fact that thy pastor is but one man.

   He should be able to do it all. That’s what the church is paying him the big bucks for. He should not only be the spiritual leader and equip the members for the work of the church, but he should dispense godly counsel, visit all the sick and homebound, take care of every administrative detail, head all special events and committees, handle benevolence needs, fix the toilets, mow the grass, settle every squabble, and make sure the children’s church schedule is covered. By all means, feel free to interrupt when he is sitting in his office studying and preparing for sermons and Bible studies. As the paid, professional holy man, he should be able to preach and teach without need of study. After all, isn’t that why he went to seminary? Besides, the Holy Spirit will speak through him as needed.

2. Thou shalt disregard the fact thy pastor is a mere human.

   He should never get physically sick, emotionally or spiritually discouraged, weary, drained or burned out; and he should never have family problems just like the rest of his flock. He should never have the desire to sleep in and skip church just this once, as he should be continually filled with Spirit. He should never make mistakes or do something he shouldn’t. If he does, it is your duty to berate him to everyone who will listen about what a disappointment he is.

3. Thou shalt feel free to interrupt the pastor on his day off.

   A dedicated pastor should not desire any time away from his spiritual duties. It is perfectly okay to call or text on his day off, provided you begin your interruption with, “I know it’s your day off, but . . .” He will be happy to take care of whatever it is you want because his job is 24/7. His family will understand because they know his job is 24/7, even if he misses another family get-together, dinner, school program, or night out with his wife. If it is 3 a.m., don’t worry about waking him or his family. He isn’t doing anything but sleeping. He should be there for you. Even if he is spending his day off doing church work because he didn’t have time to take care of everything during his regular office hours, he will be more than happy to take on more responsibility. Even better, if he is home recovering from surgery, he has nothing else to occupy his mind but your Just take note that if he has just taken a Percocet, he may dispense some pretty odd advice, and try not to hold it against him.

4. Thou shalt burden thy pastor with problems right before he is getting ready to bring God’s message.

   Immediately before the service is about to begin, while the pastor is hovering in the back of the church doing nothing, is the perfect time to bring up that the kitchen wasn’t cleaned after the youth Sunday school party or the light in the parking lot is burned out. Feel free to derail his concentration with issues that could wait until later while he is trying to spiritually prepare himself to preach the Word of God. If he doesn’t remember what you told him right before the service while his mind was otherwise occupied on less important matters such as preaching God’s word, get upset and claim he doesn’t care about you. Be sure and let him know that you need something done ASAP, like a phone call to Miss Gerdie’s grandson’s cousin’s ex-wife who needs counseling for her sixteen-year-old son who was caught stealing cars last night. Miss Gerdie recommended they contact him because their pastor doesn’t have time to counsel.

5. Thou shalt disregard the fact that after bringing God’s message, thy pastor is physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.

   This is also a good time to expect him to remember things, especially while he is greeting people after church and you have his undivided attention while shaking his hand on the way out. If you tell him you need something while shaking his hand at the end of the service, become incensed if your issue falls through the cracks. After all, if you have to wait another day or two to talk to him, you might forget your urgent need.

6. Thou shalt expect thy pastor to find last-minute substitutes for teaching Sunday school or driving the church bus if you can’t

   

   do so.

   By all means, do not call anyone else to fill in if you are unable to perform your duties on Sunday morning. Call or text the pastor on Sunday morning (the later, the better) while he is preparing to get himself and his family ready for church, as well as taking care of all the other things he has on his plate. He will not mind the extra task of trying to round up someone to do your job at the last minute.

7. Thou shalt have thin skin and hurt feelings if thy pastor accidentally forgot something thou felt he should have said or done.

   It was likely intentional because he doesn’t care about your needs. Brood silently (or enlist others to brood with you). Better yet, text him nasty messages about “how he’s let you down” or how “you thought he was trustworthy, but you’re going to have to find another church where you can trust the pastor.”

8. Thou shalt expect thy pastor to be omniscient.

   Put the pastor to the test to see if he really cares about you. Expect him to know you or a loved one are in the hospital or going through a difficult time without telling him. If he truly cares about you, he will keep track of everything that is going on in your life. Disregard the possibility that he has things going on in his life, too.

9. Thou shalt consider keeping appointments with thy pastor optional even if he has blocked off time in his schedule to meet with thou.

   After all, he doesn’t charge a fee for counseling, funerals, weddings, or theological discussions, so his time is not important. He is probably just sitting around in his office waiting for you to drop in for a chat. You can stop by anytime without fear of interrupting his work or delaying him from hospital visits or other duties.

10. Thou shalt not take up grievances with those in charge.

    If the fellowship hall wasn’t mopped or the nursery schedule was mistaken, run to the pastor with it, even though he isn’t in charge of those areas. Do not talk to the people who are. If someone moved the supplies from the children’s church room, complain to him. If someone rearranged the ladies’ Sunday school tables and they are unhappy, let him know. Don’t try to fix what you can. That’s the pastor’s job. If someone forgot to buy apples to put in the children’s Christmas goody bags, call him in a panic. Do not, under any circumstances, go across the street to Walmart and purchase apples, yourself, or give the bags out without apples. If the item you wanted from the church yard sale was accidentally sold, make this his burden. Do not put on your big girl/boy Christian pants and deal with it. Make sure you’re getting your money’s worth out of your pastor by making him “herd cats.” After all, he only has to work one day a week.

The above scenarios are based on actual events.