The Easiest Way to Give Meaning to Emotional Pain?

Life is hard. We all experience physical, mental and emotional pain from time to time. There are many ways to give meaning to pain. Some say it shakes us and wakes us, while others say every experience is a learning opportunity. In this article, I’d like to offer an alternative view through an anecdote about what I see as possibly the easiest way to give meaning to pain.

Meeting Family and Friends in Iceland

In July this year, I visited my birth country of Iceland for three weeks. In addition to being a welcome relief from the searing Texas heat, the trip allowed me to see many friends and family members. When my close friends pressed me about what life was like these days, I decided to come clean about what I had been experiencing.

Backstory: From Success to Something Else

Here’s some of the backstory. Before I took a leap of faith and moved to the USA in 2010, I was a successful speaker, yoga teacher, and writer in Iceland. I thought I would be able to replicate that success in Texas with relative ease, but it was much harder than I expected. Thirteen years into what I now consider a failed experiment, I’ve had to use the first part of this year to make hard choices about my future. It suffices to say that the psychological pain of admitting to my mistakes has been considerable.

Sharing With Honesty

In my conversations with close friends, sharing the details—which are too personal to share here—was both embarrassing and cathartic. I remember saying repeatedly that I wished that learning humility didn’t have to be so humiliating. As we talked, I described a journey that started in January 2023 and was mostly resolved by the time I got to Iceland in July. It helped that I wasn’t in the middle of a crisis or throwing a pity party. I had come to accept my station in life and was simply telling people how I had been fooling myself and how painful that realization had been.

Surprised by the Reactions

About two weeks into my trip, I became aware of a pattern of response to my honest sharing. My close friends thanked me profusely for telling them about my journey and the pain I had experienced. Some even called me afterward or wrote private messages to express their gratitude. For a person like me—known for bringing exciting ideas or philosophical thoughts into a discussion—it felt weird to be complimented for sharing stories about my failures.

Light Bulb Moment

Iceland is a great place for long evening hikes during summer, so I had time to think about the reactions I got from people I confided in. Why were they so grateful? I had been close to tears in some of the conversations. What was so great about that? During a beautiful sunset, I had a light bulb moment. Of course! People feel alone in their pain. Knowing that someone else is going through a crisis makes them feel less alone.

Sharing Removes Feelings of Isolation

My friends evidently saw themselves reflected in my story and felt elated to know they weren’t alone. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. We are all alone in our pain. No one can feel it for us. Add to that shame and patterns of hiding, and the result can feel pretty isolating. Simply knowing that others feel similar pain reduces feelings of isolation.

Why the Epiphany?

On some level, I knew this already—I’ve been sober since 1999, and I know the power of support groups—but this summer’s experience brought the idea to the forefront. Sharing pain honestly and humbly provides meaning to both the sharer and listener. The fact that I was in a receptive state of mind created my epiphany.

How and When to Share Pain

Being a teacher, I wish I could offer you detailed directions, but I don’t have an exact formula for how and when to share your pain. All I know is that it works. In hindsight, I can only think of two things I did that might benefit you. One, I was sincere, open and humble. Two, I had already established trusting relationships with the people who responded well to my confessions, which is probably why they resonated with my pain instead of being burdened by my problems. If you have those kinds of relationships, try sharing. You might be doing the other person a favor by making them feel less alone in their pain. And, who knows, you might find that it gives your pain meaning. My journey has more meaning today than before I shared it with my friends.

Gudjon Bergmann
Amazon Author Profile

Relevant books by GB:

• Monk of All Faiths: Inspired by The Prophet (fiction)
• Spiritual in My Own Way (memoir)
• Co-Human Harmony: Using Our Shared Humanity to Bridge Divides (nonfiction)
• Experifaith: At the Heart of Every Religion (nonfiction)
• Premature Holiness: Five Weeks at the Ashram (novel)
• The Meditating Psychiatrist Who Tried to Kill Himself (novel)