“Don’t Let Your Heart Be Troubled”
Don’t let your heart be troubled…easier said than done. Each step buried my heart deeper and deeper into my throat. Why was everyone being so nice? Love your neighbor…even when they are about to kill your friend. “They’re just doing their jobs.” I had to keep reminding myself. The brain has trouble maintaining nuance in the midst of murder. Then again, I couldn’t tell if my brain was still working or not. Steel door after steel door slammed shut. “How am I still walking?” The question festered as people kept on talking to me. “Why was everyone so chatty?” I guess people would rather talk than deal with what is. “Brain? Brain?” Thoughts failed with every step. “How in the hell am I going to be able to sustain myself for two hours?” The slogans painted on the walls brought me closer and closer to my own mortality. “Wake up!” One foot in front of the other. “Wake up!” I didn’t know how I was going to get through any of it. I was shutting down at the worst possible moment. I clinched my rosary as hard as I could. I could feel it piercing into my hand. The blood made me feel closer to the blood that could carry me through all of this. I stepped into the chapel for a brief moment. “Why do people keep on talking to me?” I wasn’t there for them. I wasn’t there to make them feel better about what they were about to do. I was there for Anthony Wainwright and Anthony Wainwright alone. But then again, hadn’t God called me to be there for everyone. How could that shit even be possible? It was like everyone was pulling at my flesh in every direction. When I closed my eyes, I saw something familiar…the cross of Christ on fire. It felt like I was on there with Christ burning too. “Are you ready?” What type of question was being asked of me? I didn’t know the answer. I just knew to turn around and answer…defiantly. The words wouldn’t come out. Then, “Yes.”
Stark white walls were closing in. The deeper we traveled the more lost I felt. There was so much steel. “Where are we going?” I had no idea. I couldn’t get an answer. I could barely remember where I’d come from. I’d never met so many stairs that seemed so much steeper than the last. Was I ascending or descending? It was a strange walk to a strange place. Then, we were there.
Grace: Love Beyond Our Wildest Imaginations
“Hey brother.” Anthony was in the very back of the cell. I was a little startled by his voice. It was as if I never expected to make it to him. I guess I thought we were just going to go around and around the prison for eternity. Quickly, Anthony sat down on the floor…touching the bars. Pulling up a chair, I leaned into the bars to be as close to him as I possibly could. “I love you brother.” “I love you too, very much.” I don’t know who said what first, I just know that loved was shared immediately and profoundly. I held onto his hands until I was told that I’d held on too long. “How is…?” Anthony wanted to know that those that he loved the most were ok. I guess we all do. Even when our demise is all but assured, we want to leave the world knowing that all will be well. “Are you going to survive this?” It was a strange question to ask. Even though Anthony’s demise was all but assured, he wanted to know if I was going to make it. Honestly, I wasn’t so sure. I couldn’t tell him that though. So, I deflected. “Who knows…I might have a heart attack and die before we ever get to the chamber.” At that point, it seemed like a real possibility. I could feel the damn thing about to explode. For a brief second, I wondered where we would go next. “I want you to make sure that you tell the world what we talk about. I don’t have one damn thing to hide. People need to know the bullshit that is being done here.” Then, it became clear.
We regret the things that we have done. We regret the things that we have left undone. Of course, this was a time to make sure that nothing was left undone. Carmen Gayheart. In those final few weeks, I’d heard the name so much. In our conversations, Anthony had repeatedly been clearer than clear, “I didn’t rape or kill that woman.” The nature of grace is that all is washed away. Of course, grace and repentance go together. I asked one final time, “Is there anything related to Carmen that you want to tell me?” “No…I shouldn’t have been there…I’m sorry for the role that I played…but I did not rape or kill that woman.” “Do you repent?” “I repent of everything.” “Then, in the name of Jesus Christ…you are eternally forgiven.” “Let’s move on.” I was praying that he would say that. “What does forgiveness look like in heaven? How far can grace take us?” No matter how tired I get. It seems that my imagination explodes when the subject of grace comes up. In fact, those are the times that I feel God the most. “In those final moments, you will sit under the glare of judgment. Row after row of people will sit there and be overjoyed that they are getting to witness your murder. They will think that they’re there for Carmen…in reality…they will be there for themselves…to satisfy their own bloodlust. Of course, they will leave as empty as they arrived. But that is no matter, for you will be gone and I am convinced that the joy you will be experiencing will far surpass the vengeful hell that exists down here. Upon arrival, you will see family and friends. But there is one person who will shock the hell out of you. In the distance, you will see Carmen running toward you. Then in an explosive act of reconciliation, Carmen will wrap her arms around you and tell you how much she forgives you. That’s the beauty of the grace of God.” “Are you serious? That sounds like some Jeff Hood bullshit.” We both laughed. “God loves you, Anthony. God leaves nobody behind. Nobody. The beauty of grace is beyond your wildest dreams.” For a second, I watched him process. I could see the wheels turning in his head and the quick beating of his heart. Then, finally, “Do you really believe that?” “With all of my heart.” “I do too.” The heavens seemed to open upon that affirmation. Everything seemed different now. I reached out my hand to grab his. We sat there for a minute. It all seemed to dissolve. We were transported to another place. There was nothing but us and grace. God allowed me to take my friend to a place that he’d never been before. Then, everything came back. “What was that?” “I’m not sure…but we have to keep going.”
Eternal Love: Theology of Time
“What happens to the ones that I love?” The question always tugs at the ventricles of even the toughest hearts. Of course, I knew who he was talking about. In the past few years, Anthony Wainwright had met and married Sam. The two were inseparable. Even spending hours together in those final days. “I’m not sure that you’ll ever spend a second without her.” Immediately, Anthony’s mind went to another moment in time. “Earlier today, I was sitting there with Sam…and something hit us both…literally at the same damn time. It was like an invisible bolt of lightning. It felt like I’d been electrocuted with peace. Like a peace that came from somewhere else. She felt that shit too. It was incredible.” I didn’t immediately respond. I wanted to sit with what he’d said for a second. Anthony wasn’t having it. “So, what does that mean?” I answered his question with a question. “What do you hope that means?” Anthony paused. “That I will never be apart from Sam?” I could feel the longing in his voice. “What if I told you that I believe we will never know a time apart from those we love?” “How is that possible? Is this some more of that Jeff Hood magical words bullshit?” Deep inside, I felt something fester inside of me. I wanted to meet Anthony in his deepest longings. “Time is something that binds us here. Time does not bind us for eternity. So, perhaps the first person to meet you on the other side will be Sam herself?” “How is that possible if she doesn’t die at the same time as me?” I didn’t expect to go this deep. Anthony didn’t hesitate. “If we are no longer bound by time…then nothing is sequential anymore. Sam will be there when you arrive…because no matter when Same dies…that is where she was destined to go to begin with. She will be there with you on the other side.” Let there be no doubt, I was straining to the maximum capacity of my theological understandings. In fact, it all seemed to be coming from somewhere else anyways. “Wow. So, the soul never knows a time apart from the people that the soul loves?” “Correct. How could heaven be heaven if everyone that we love is somewhere else?” “Shit Jeff. I hope you’re right.” From the radiance growing in his eyes, I could tell that his faith was increasing. I think mine was as well.
I don’t know how long the silence lingered. I just know that everything was so heavy and seemed to be growing heavier by the second. It’s a strange thing for death to stalk so closely. Anthony always felt like he had to lighten the mood. “You know what I’m going to tell God about you Jeff?” “What?” “That…you’re a monumental asshole.” We both collapsed in laughter. So much so, the guards grew uncomfortable at the levity of it all. It’s strange when laughter visits you at strange times. Then again, l guess it was all strange and growing stranger.
Vengeance and Forgiveness
“Will these people ever forgive me?” Of course, I had no way of knowing. How could anyone know if anyone else truly forgives someone else? I do know that those connected to the case had been particularly nasty. I didn’t tell Anthony that there were practically giddy people lining up with shirts, megaphones and streamers cheering on the executioners. I didn’t, don’t and never will understand such hate. “How could anyone get pleasure from someone being executed?” These were two different questions. I began at the top. “God is not going to force forgiveness on anyone. Forgiveness is a solitary affair. Such activity is between the individual and God. I don’t know if these folks have the ability to forgive you. But…I think that says much more about them than it does you.” I let such words fester before I continued. “As to your second question, the only thing that could ever cause someone to get pleasure from the execution of another, is pure evil growing inside of them. God don’t have nothing to do with vengeance. These folks are burning in a vengeful hell of their own creation. God is willing to help them escape…but right now…it seems that they don’t want it. They’d rather just burn.” I was pissed that we were even having to talk about such things. Surely, it’s enough that Anthony was about to face the ultimate punishment for his crimes. “Remember…forgiveness is not on you. It’s on them.” “Ok.” That was it. I guess the answers sufficed.
The end was drawing close. Anthony knew that when I left it would be time for the execution to begin. “I’m at peace. I’m ok. I just don’t want to leave Sam.” “Well, let’s make sure that you don’t.” “Do you believe in the love of God?” “I do.” “Do you believe that such love was incarnate in the person of Jesus?” “I do.” “Do you believe that it was love that led Jesus to the cross? “I do.” “Do you believe that love resurrected?” “I do.” “Do you believe that love will never die?” “I do.” “Well, it is upon your profession of faith that I can assure you that you will rest in the arms of love forever.” “Wow. Something is happening to me.” “It’s called love Anthony. It grows most strongly when you have the courage to let it go.” We sat there for a second. I could tell that he was processing it all. Then, he looked up, “Do you think that love is going to make all of this right?” “I have no doubt that God is drawing all things to love…to God’s self…for God is love.” A slight smile came upon his face, “So, I have nothing to worry about?” “Nothing.” We were nearing the end. The guard loudly let us know, “5 minutes!”
Through the Valley of Death
What do you talk about with someone in the last few minutes of their lives? I didn’t talk about anything. I just got him to repeat after me. “Even thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Even thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” We were putting each other in a trance. I rested my head on the bars. I placed my hand in his. We sat in suspended motion. “Even thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Even thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” “Time’s up!” I could have sat there forever, but the guard wasn’t having it. I put my hand up to demand a few more moments. Reaching through the bars, I touched his head and made the sign of the cross. “Anthony Wainwright, I bless you in the name of the God who loves you, the God who has redeemed you and the God who will hold you for all of eternity.” Then, I felt something in my hand. It was a rosary that I had given him. “Hold on to this for me. I don’t think I’m going to need it where I’m going.” We both smiled. There was a tear in his eye. I couldn’t stare too long. I still had a big job to do.
It was all a blur. I prayed. Nothing seemed to be getting through. I prayed. I was too close to death. I prayed. I walked down the hallway. I prayed. I couldn’t understand why everyone was so cheerful. I prayed. Before I knew it, I was inside the chamber. I prayed. It all happened so quickly. I prayed. “I love you, Jeff.” “I love you too, brother.” I prayed. Touching his leg, I read all the scriptures that had been part of our journey. “Let not your heart be troubled…” “Faith, hope and love remain…but the greatest of these is love…” “…God will wash every tear from your eye…” “Death will be no more.” “Even thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” The words festered over and over. Then, they all started to mix together. I knew it was over. I prayed. Before I knew it, I heard Anthony say, “I love you, Sam.” I prayed.
Though there were a few shakes here and there, the poison did its’ job. Anthony started to depart. He didn’t fight it. He just let go. I kept saying the same words repeatedly. I knew he could hear me. “Even thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Even thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” Finally, I took off my glasses and dared wipe my eyes. Then, I was finally able to see. The heavens opened. I watched the rest of the guys that I’d accompanied before usher Anthony into the light. In the distance, Sam and Carmen were waiting. For the first time all day, I was finally able to breathe. I got out of there as quickly as I could.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In