“I Might Have a Son Out There that I Love Very Much” : The Casey McWhorter Tapes (5): Scheduled for Execution on November 16, 2023 in Alabama

““I Might Have a Son Out There that I Love Very Much” : The Casey McWhorter Tapes (5): Scheduled for Execution on November 16, 2023 in Alabama

When you’re loved from the beginning, you don’t even have an awareness of not being loved until you realize that somebody doesn’t love you.  Consistently, my mom and grandmother always showed me loved.  We used to do everything together.  Meals.  Movies.  Playing outside.  They were there.  I guess I didn’t realize I wasn’t loved until I realized that my dad wasn’t there…didn’t want to be there.  I couldn’t get my head away from the absence of my dad for some reason.  Of course, my mom and grandmother used to beat me pretty good.  That didn’t feel very loving.  Maybe I deserved it?  I don’t know.

Now, I guess falling in love is a different story.  I met a girl on my school bus that knocked my socks off.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  It was like she lived in my brain.  Of course, I was far too shy to talk to her.  I tried to get some advice about talking to girls.  Nothing ever seemed to work.  I had absolutely no courage.  Then, I made a plan.  I was going to talk to her one afternoon when we were the last ones on the bus.  Unfortunately, before I got the chance…she was killed in a car accident.  That shit messed me up something serious.  Love seemed so lost.

Like a bunch of other people, I just started to have sex as I got older.  I wasn’t interested in experiencing the pain of losing someone again.  Falling in love was something I avoided at all costs.

I snuck into one of my coworkers’ house for some sex one night.  She lived with her parents.  Of course, they didn’t know anything about me.  We did the deed…you know what I mean.  Not long after, she switched jobs.  I really didn’t think about her all that much.  It was just sex.  The next time I saw her, she was pregnant.  When I asked about the father, she assured me that it wasn’t me.  I decided to put it all out of my mind.  Many months later, someone contacted me with a picture of the baby…and I instantly knew…it looked just like me.  I didn’t have the courage to reach out.  Really, I was just a coward.  I tried to tell myself that he would be better off without me.  Now, I’m not so sure.  It’s strange, I’ve loved that child (now a grown man) like it was mine from the first time I saw him.  We’ve never met and I’m sure that he has no idea…but I might have a son out there that I love very much.