How to not get offended this Christmas: A Guide for Christians

With all the hubub that normally comes with this time of year — the wrestling of trees out of fields or attics, the baking oneself into a sugar coma, the holiday pagents that make you want to stab yourself in the eye glimmer with Christmas joy — it’s no wonder that we can all get a little, well, stressed. But I’ve noticed that with that stress comes a distinct tendency to become highly offended by what once was considered common courtesy, hospitality, and — God forbid — a tad jolly.

Somewhere down the line, someone who didn’t celebrate Christmas got upset over constantly being wished a Merry Christmas. The nerve! Someone telling them to have a merry day! Obscene, I tell you. And all that music! Singing about hope and love and peace on earth!

PEACE ON EARTH?!?!

Who do you think you are, to wish me a peaceful existence on this earth?

And those characters. THOSE CHARACTERS! I’ll agree that the blow-up Bart-Simpson-Riding-A-Motorcycle-While-Dressed-As-Santa is highly offensive, but it’s offensive to my taste, not my moral code. And that Rudoph — he’s obviously drug user — have you seen his nose?

The point is that in most cases, when a normal person wishes you a Merry Christmas, they’re just trying to spread some holiday cheer. They are not trying to assimilate you into the evil American Judeo-Christian culture nor are they trying to infringe upon your right to a religion free existence. They’re just trying to wish you well, for fuck’s sake. When they play Christmas music, they’re just spreading some cheer in this God-awful world we live in. They are not trying to woo you over to the dark side.

Here’s the thing. For many of us who celebrate Christmas, it’s a really groovy holiday. We have fun! We get to see all the family members who drive us crazy, so we drink a lot of wine to help us make it through. We battle mall traffic and crazy drivers to go find each other the worst ever absolutely perfect gift(s), then stay up late into the night wrapping them in over-priced crappy-ass wrapping paper that’s obviously DESIGNED to tear at exactly the wrong place at the wrong time BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY JUST SO DONE.

And we torture ourselves by trying to out-Pinterest each other over the age-long tradition that didn’t exist before 2011: elves on shelves.

Or not.

Some of us would rather burn the little bastards in the fireplace for pointing out our every parental failure but that might offend somebody so we just drink more wine and pray to God we’ll remember to move the little bastards tomorrow.

I’d like to share that because I am raising my children to be multi-culturally sensitive, I have multi-cultural elves. True story.

But really. It’s FUN!

Sounds great, doesn’t it? So I’m sorry if you don’t get to celebrate this holiday, too. And if I wish you a Merry Christmas and you didn’t want me to, I’M SORRY AGAIN.

It’s all ridiculous, right? All this PC crap. All this worrying about other people’s feelings.

So we Christians, well. We decided we’d do the RIGHT thing. We wore our WWJD teeshirts and declared there was a WAR ON CHRISTMAS! So now, when the 15 year-old, gum-smacking check out clerk at Walmart follows orders and wishes us a Happy Holidays whilst offering us a free dreidel with purchase and wearing her elf shoes, Santa hat, and Kwanzaa Dashiki, we do what Jesus would do and we get belligerent.

We get angry.

We tell her like it is.

This is America! We say, through gritted teeth. We don’t care how many immigrants there are! We are in America and in America we say MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

Because, you know. Jesus wasn’t an immigrant or anyth– oh wait.

Well, Jesus always said Merry Chris– never mind.

We just love to be offended by other people taking offense. How dare they! How dare they want ME to be subjected to THEIR beliefs? Here! In the land of the free!

Here’s the thing though. As Christians, we are called to be hospitable to strangers. We’re called to be gentle and kind. We’re called to put other people first.  I think that might mean not forcing a hostile and belligerent Merry Christmas! on the next rabbi you see, and if someone wishes you a Happy Holiday, consider the intent instead of the words, take the advice and joyfully decree that ALL your holidays shall now be happy.

War, like tangoes, takes two, so there can only be a “War on Christmas” if two nations launch bombs. As Christians, we should not be bomb-throwers.

We are called to be the bomb-dismantlers, the ones whose only violence consists of ripping down the boundaries to Jesus that keep people far from him. Even when those boundaries might live within our own hearts, in the form of hatred, belligerence, false pride, judgement, hostility.

On the other hand, a strategically placed bomb under the asses of those stupid elves on shelves would be highly satisfactory. The little bastards.