I Don’t Need You Like That Anymore – Guest Blogger Lisa Alexander

I know the moment it happened.

I can pinpoint the time in my life when unhealthy relationships were formed.

It all started with an argument.

I sat underneath our dining room table (kinda like the character Niles on Fraiser who found solace underneath the piano) and listened to them go round after round.

It wasn’t long after this last bout that my sister, my mom and I walked into the house after another ordinary, typical day and the house seemed empty.

The furniture was still there but my dad’s presence was not. His clothes were noticeably gone as well as a few other items. I remember going from room-to-room looking for him.

He worked the overnight shift so he was always home when we got home.

He always had dinner prepared for us but that day was very different. There was no smell of bread pudding and fried chicken and macaroni and cheese wafting from the kitchen.

I remember feeling like I had just been punched in the gut.

I could see the hurt and disbelief in my mom’s face and told her, “That’s OK, we didn’t need him anyway.” That’s the best response my 12-year old wisdom could muster.

That’s when it happened.

This girl’s sense of security and stability took a near fatal blow and sent me searching for acceptance, contentment, security and stability in odd places.

The Sweetest BFF Ever!

There was always dessert in my house. My dad baked cakes, cookies, rice pudding, bread pudding and my favorite was his carrot cake. Oh. My. God. The sweet yet tangy cream cheese frosting would hit the back of my mouth and all was well in my world.

To add to my love affair of all things sweet, my grandfather was a professional baker. He would come by on Saturday mornings after his bake shift at the Los Angeles Farmer Market and bring us croissants and all manner of sweet, flaky pastries. Again. Oh. My. God.

Prior to my parents divorce, I never binged on these things. I had my dad and I had my grandfather. I was a regular sized kid. But after the death of my grandfather in 1978 and my parent’s divorce some years later…things changed.

If I couldn’t have my dad and my grandfather then I could have sweets they made. If I wanted to feel the safety and security and love they provided, then I could experience that through sweets and I devoured them. There wasn’t a cookie invented that I didn’t like.

Sweets became my BFF.

I inhaled them in an attempt to feel secure, to feel loved, to feel stable.

As you can imagine, being an inner city, latchkey kid growing up without her dad, left me feeling insecure a lot. I was a preteen. Things were happening to me and just at the moment I needed my father’s affirmation as a young woman, my world crumbled. So I indulged in sweets, a lot. And my weight increased, a lot. And as I packed on the pounds and became the butt of everyone’s jokes, my insecurity increased and I turned to my BFF even more.

Approaching Life From A Wounded Place

I grew up in the church.

We changed denominations a few times but every Sunday was spent in someone’s church.

I found comfort in Jesus. This Savior who loved me so much that He died for me. I accepted Him into my life early and tried to be a model Christian. I had a big bible, filled with yellow highlighter marks and personal notes.

I was active in church. I sang in praise groups and in sanctuary choirs. I was the youth department president and I produced our church’s Sunday bulletin—I think I was the only teenager ever to have a key to the church office.

But I was still wounded.

I depended on people, church leadership to affirm me and I needed this constantly. I didn’t always get it and then that’s when my BFF stepped in to comfort me.

I was still eating to fill a hurt place. I was still insecure, I still lacked stability and Lord knows feeling loved was foreign. I felt tolerated, never loved.

But since I was in church and not causing too many problems, nobody noticed my brokenness.

What Healing Looks Like

I’ve wept in many a prayer line, wondering why couldn’t I break free? Why did I continue to struggle? I was saved! I loved Jesus and He loved me. Why was I still struggling with my weight? I’d done all the diets, read the books, but internally there was still something amiss.

I had resolved my “daddy issues” or so I thought.

I was happily married to my high-school sweetheart.

My life was stable. I’ve had the same cell phone number for over 15 years. How’s that for stability?

Can I tell you that sometimes, healing takes place instantly and other times it happens as you go?

I had to work through a lot of my issues as a young teenage bride. I brought those same feelings of insecurity and instability into my marriage and for the first decade I really thought my husband tolerated me. He couldn’t possibly love me. Imagine the wear-and-tear on a relationship that line of thinking has.

A lot of my healing has taken place over time. It happened as I learned more about people and looking at moments in my life objectively. I saw truths I was way too young to understand back then and have accepted them.

Still, even though I may understand your hurt and pain, that doesn’t negate my own.

One day in my prayer closet, Holy Spirit lead me to site of the initial impact; the place where the trauma to my security and stability occurred. The place where unholy relationships were formed and self-doubt sprouted. He took me there and He said I was healed.

I wept.

After I finished crying I asked how do I know I’m healed?

What does healing look like?

He said, “Now you can look at things and say, I don’t need you like that anymore.”

Those were the most powerful words I’d ever heard.

I don’t need you like that anymore.

To my favorite pastry, to my beloved carrot cake and chewiest chocolate chip cookie…I don’t need you like that anymore.

To one-sided relationships…I don’t need you like that anymore.

Beloved, what does healing look like? I mean what does deep, inner work, soul-set-free kind of healing truly look like? It’s when you can confidently stand and look your past straight in the eye and say, I don’t need you like that anymore and walk away.

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Known as The Marketing Stylist™, Lisa N. Alexander is a speaker, blogger and author of This Woman Knows and Put It Out There! 5 Steps to Kick Fear’s Butt and Move Your Dream Forward. Lisa believes women must know their value, face their fears and shares a message that is both practical and inspirational. She and her husband of over 20 years have served in ministry as senior pastors, and music ministers. Together they have two children, one grandchild and a frisky Lab mix named Kobe. For more information, please visit www.ThisWomanKnows.com, www.TheMarketingStylist.com or follow Lisa on Twitter @LisaNAlexander.