She’s Having a Fetus

Commenting on the news that Kate Middleton is pregnant, Denny Burk wonders Why aren’t we calling it the “royal fetus”? In 2004, I considered what a conversation would sound like if pro-choicers used language that was consistent with their beliefs.

Overheard at a local shopping mall:

Jan: “Marsha! How are you girl? I haven’t seen you in ages.”
Marsha: “Hey Jan, you’re looking great. How’ve you been?”
Jan: “Just peachy. Hey, guess what? I’m going to have a fetus!”
Marsha (excited): “That’s wonderful! Oh, I’m so happy for you. Now we both have parasites growing in us.”
Jan: “Yeah, but you’re having twins. I’m so jealous.”
Marsha: “Oh, I only have one now. Greg didn’t get his promotion so we decided to selectively reduce one of them.”
Jan: “Aww . . . well, that’s a valid choice. I was hoping to have two fetuses because this one is going to be used to harvest organs for Alice. It took us forever to find an IVF facility that would help us with a ‘designer fetus’”
Marsha: “I’m glad everything worked out. So when is it due?”
Jan: “My doctor says I’ll be delivering sometime in July.”
Marsha: “No, I mean when’s it due to become a human.”
Jan: “Oh, well, Bobby and I draw the line sometime within the first few weeks after birth.”
Marsha: “Hmm, Greg and I think it occurs in the third trimester but I can respect that. It’s a valid choice.”
Jan: “Hey, what happened to Cindy? I heard she was having complications with her pregnancy. Did she ever deliver her fetus?”
Marsha: “She did. Back in September. But the baby was born retarded so, you know, she did the right thing and took a trip to Holland.”
Jan: “That is so like Cindy. She has always been so compassionate.”
Marsha: “Oh, I know. She was really thinking about the child. I mean, what kind of quality of life would it have?”
Jan: “Exactly. It’s just a shame that she has to go all the way to Europe.”
Marsha: “Tell me about it. At least Cindy has the money to travel. Just think about the poor women that have to resort to back-alley euthanasia.”
Jan: “Thank God, Obama was reelected. Can you imagine if the fundies had elected that anti-woman extremist?”
Marsha: “I’m still shocked Romney came so close. I don’t know what those Red State nuts were thinking.”
Jan (mockingly): “But the election was about moral values.”
Marsha (rolling her eyes): “Yeah, some values they stand for.”
Jan: “Hey, I hate to run but I have to finish up my Christmas shopping. You know, it’s depressing how commericalized the holidays have become.”
Marsha: “Haven’t they, though? People have completely forgotten the ‘reason for the season.’ Well, it was great seeing you again. Give me a call sometime.”
Jan: “I’ll do that. Hope you have a great Christmas.”
Marsha: “You too. Bye.”