Thoughts and Prayers: You’re Doing It Wrong

We hear it every time there’s a tragedy – or an atrocity. “Our thoughts and prayers are with those impacted by this terrible event.”

It’s become a cruel cliché – empty words from political leaders instead of tangible action. Easy words that provide cheap absolution for bystanders who just want to forget it ever happened and get back to whatever they were doing. Familiar words that provide false comfort for those who really do want to help, but who feel like there’s nothing they can do.

“Thoughts and prayers” are ridiculed by atheists and religious people alike – with good reason.

I suspect that most people who say “thoughts and prayers” are just mouthing the words – they will do neither.

Because if they really were thinking or praying or both, they would also be doing a lot more.

Sometimes words simply don’t work

There are times when words are inadequate to deal with a situation. But words are all we have, so they’re what we use. The key is to use them honestly.

Too many times we use words to tell others “I don’t want you to feel bad about this bad thing.” Them feeling bad makes us feel bad. But grief, sadness, anger, and rage are all human emotions – all perfectly legitimate responses to the realities of living in a world that’s not designed for our comfort and ease. All we can do to help others is to be with them, care for them, and let them know they’re not alone.

It’s a different matter when you’re speaking to third parties – not to the victims and survivors, but to the rest of us who aren’t directly affected but who are upset by what we see. Leaders are expected to say words, even if words are inadequate.

Sometimes I’m the guest speaker at a UU church when something tragic happened the previous week. People look to the minister to say something about it – for that Sunday I am the minister. I try to come up with something that frames the situation in our shared values and includes a call to action. That can be anything from “take care of each other” to “call your Congress person” to “vote, dammit.”

And sometimes, especially when the situation is immense and seems unsolvable, one of those calls to action is to pray.

What if we really prayed about a tragedy?

I’m a Pagan and a polytheist – praying is what I do.

Done properly, prayer is simply talking to our Gods. It’s one of the primary ways we form and maintain relationships with Them. Our prayers can take many forms and can have many different goals. When done seriously and persistently, they bring us closer to our Gods. Good, consistent prayer makes us more God-like.

What if we really prayed about gun violence? Not “O Great Goddess, please make it go away” but in a way that expresses the deepest yearnings of our hearts? Not one time because we heard bad news, but day after day, night after night?

Do you think we might begin to see this problem from a divine perspective? Might we be able to understand that the problem isn’t one thing with one simple solution, but many things requiring many complicated solutions? Could we learn to accept that the inability to craft a perfect solution doesn’t mean we can’t craft a better solution?

If we understood the situation better – in our souls and in our minds – then we would be better able to do what we can do without being overwhelmed by what we cannot do.

Mouthing a few words cannot do this. Consistent prayer can.

What if we really thought about a tragedy?

I’m old enough to remember when even progressive politicians simply said “our prayers are with them.” “Thoughts and prayers” is an attempt to be inclusive of those who don’t pray. Thoughts and prayers are not the same things, but they both can be an effective response to tragedies.

For some, this may look just like prayer, only in a naturalistic context. Speaking the yearnings of your heart is always a good thing, even if you don’t believe there’s anyone who can hear you. Think of it as a form of spoken meditation.

But for all of us, there is value in truly thinking about a tragedy. Not in a reactive “this wouldn’t happen if my party was in charge” way, but in a deep and analytical way.

What happened? Why did it happen? What can we do about it? And every time you think you have an answer, ask “why?” again. Look for data and apply some rigorous analysis. Reject simple answers, whether you like them or you don’t like them. If it was simple we would have fixed it already.

And then let your thinking lead to doing. None of us can solve the problem of gun violence by ourselves, but we can advocate for helpful policies and vote for candidates who will implement them.

Or who will implement something.

Or who at least will do anything besides insist there’s nothing that can be done while taking another check from the gun lobby.

What if our leaders led by example?

I think I speak for many when I say I don’t mind when politicians offer their thoughts and prayers. I mind when they mouth the words “thoughts and prayers” and then do nothing, including thinking or praying. Except, I suppose, for some vague prayers that voters will stop asking them to take an effective stand on a difficult issue.

I’m a Pagan and a polytheist, but I’m absolutely fine if Christian leaders pray to the Christian God. Perhaps if they spent more time talking to Jesus – and listening to Jesus – they’d start governing more like Jesus. Instead, those who might as well be atheists pander to Christians, while the fundamentalists try to force everyone to live by their religion – which is mostly the religion of white nationalism. And the only thing any of them are thinking about is how to keep the campaign contributions coming in and how to get re-elected.

How about a new law: you can’t mention thoughts and prayers unless you actually think and pray?

Think and pray

Individual action will never solve collective problems. But it’s all we have as individuals. So we do what we can to take care of ourselves, our families, and our communities, and we do our best to contribute to the common good.

When we don’t know what to do, we can pray. When circumstances are beyond our capacities, we can pray. When we need inspiration and wisdom, we can pray.

Prayer can change things, even if it only changes the way we look at something.

But sooner or later, prayers must lead to tangible action. If elected officials who tell us their thoughts and prayers are with the victims don’t do something, our own thoughts and prayers should lead us to vote them out of office.

What can we do about gun violence? I wrote this piece seven years ago after another mass shooting – one I’ve already forgotten about, because there have been so many. To it I would add “outlaw and confiscate military style assault weapons.” It won’t stop mass shootings. It will make them harder to carry out and thus less lethal. And that’s a good start.