Those of us who live our religious and spiritual lives in public have a responsibility to be honest. So much of what is shared on the internet is curated, edited, and in some cases, fabricated. Less so – I think – for us in the Pagan and witchcraft communities than for entertainment celebrities and mainstream influencers, but even for us, it’s natural to emphasize our successes and minimize our failures.
Our Calvinist-influenced mainstream society has the idea that if you follow the right religion in the right way, then nothing bad will ever happen to you. Or if it does, it won’t matter because you’re so spiritual that mundane problems don’t bother you.
These are lies. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and toxic positivity (“good vibes only!”) is gaslighting made possible only by great privilege (usually financial) and the fear of confronting reality.
In contrast, good religion gives us context for understanding why life is the way it is, and what we can and can’t do to make it better. Spiritual practice gives us tools to deal with the suffering that is part of being human.
I won’t dance around it: last year was a bad year for me. It started in late 2023, peaked in early 2024, and didn’t get significantly better until October. I talked about this in various places, but especially here on the blog with posts like Survive and Advance and Walpurgisnacht in the Infirmary.
And now, at the beginning of summer 2025, things are better. The same honesty that demanded I not pretend things were fine when they weren’t also demands that I talk about where I am now, and how I got here.
Because the approach that worked for me may be helpful to you, even if your circumstances are significantly different from mine.
Accepting that I had a problem
I’m intentionally vague as to the nature of these problems. While I want to be honest, some things are personal and need to remain private. But it wasn’t any one thing. It was health, finances, my paying job, my mother’s health, my house, and my general direction at this stage of my life. Any one or two or maybe three of those things I could handle. All of them at once was too much.
In December 2023 I started working on a UTAO course that I’ve been wanting to teach for several years. I got it outlined and started working on the schedule when two things hit me. First, I didn’t have enough time to get it done, and second, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to teach the material.
Now, I’m a big believer in “if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing badly” – better to do something badly than to not do it at all. But this wasn’t just my life I was dealing with. In teaching the class I would be dealing with other people’s lives – they deserve better. And this material is something that deserves to be presented well.
I want thank local Pagan friend and ADF priest Rev. Lauren Mart for helping me understand that I could not do what I wanted to do the way I wanted to do it. And so I postponed the class indefinitely.
The good news: I’m now in a good place to teach this material and do it well, and I’m deep into the preparations. Look for an announcement later this month in my newsletter and on social media in mid-July.
Not doing anything drastic
I’m not talking about suicide. I’ve had those thoughts before and I’ve dealt with them. I’m not going to be so arrogant as to insist they’ll never come back, but if they do I know how to deal with them. They didn’t come back this time.
Rather, I’m talking about something like quitting my job several years earlier than planned. I ran the numbers and I could make it work, but not if I want to do the things I want to do in retirement – starting with getting out of Texas, which was and still is a major source of stress in my life.
I cut back on blogging, but I didn’t stop. Writing is good for me. I will probably never go back to blogging three days a week every week (the blogging environment is close to dead) but there are times when I have something I need to say.
Like now.
Maintaining my spiritual practice
Another post I wrote during the worst of last year was Spiritual Practice When You Don’t Feel Like Practicing. My spiritual practice is one of the reasons I made it through last year. It kept me close to my Gods, my ancestors, and the other spirits that are part of my life. It reminded me that I have purpose, and fulfilling that purpose brings meaning. And that helped me keep moving when I wanted to stop.
I kept walking. It’s my primary – and favorite – form of exercise. I developed plantar fasciitis (again) last year and had to cut back, but I didn’t stop. Exercise helps, physically and mentally. Now I seem to have found the sweet spot where I’m walking enough to keep everything loose but not walking so much I’m causing more injury.
Putting myself in places where good things could find me
I kept my commitment to attend Mystic South even though I didn’t feel like going. It was great and one of the things that helped me start digging out of the hole I was in.
I went to a Sarah McLachlan concert that was more than nostalgia – it was fun, at a time when I wasn’t having much fun. Looking back, that was a turning point in my year.
I did some repairs and renovations on the house (that required money) and some “clean up and throw away” work (that just required time and effort). Never underestimate the value of cleaning and straightening your living space.
I spent more time with local friends. I’m good organizing around an event (especially rituals, either public or private) but not so good with going out to dinner just because we can.
Mainly, I kept moving. I was moving more slowly (both literally and metaphorically) and I was doing less, but I was still moving toward my major goals.
Beginning a long-term magical working
I’ve always been fascinated by the occultists and magicians who’ve done long-term magical workings. I’ve read everything I can find on Jack Parsons’ Babalon Working. But I work from a very different perspective than Parsons, and I have neither need nor the desire to conjure the Goddess Babalon.
But last fall I realized that my long-term plans needed both some clarification and some magical assistance. And so I started a series of weekly workings, doing the kind of magic I do.
Last night was the 37th week of the working. It’s already generated some good results, and I expect it will help me get where I want to go. I think the project will continue for a while longer. Maybe a lot longer. This is really helping.
Doing something – magical or mundane or both – is better than doing nothing. There are days when you just can’t do anything, when you need near-complete physical, emotional, and spiritual rest. But once you’ve done that (for a few days, not a few months) doing anything to make things better will significantly improve your frame of mind.
Where I am now
My physical health is better. It’s not where I want to be, but it’s improving and I have a plan to keep it moving in the right direction.
The financial issues I had early last year are resolved.
My paying job is still challenging, especially since we have to deal with Trump’s tariffs. But my previous boss left the company earlier this year. He was a good person but a bad boss (a micromanager terrified of making a mistake) and he’s been replaced by someone with better technical skills who pretty much leaves me alone to do my job the way I know it needs to be done. So, less stress. And the end isn’t near, but it’s in sight.
My spiritual direction and my long-term goals are clearer and more certain, and I like what I see: through divination, through visualization, and through ordinary observation.
I have a full (but not overfull) calendar for the summer. Some local stuff with Denton CUUPS. Leading what’s going to be an amazing ritual at Mystic South. Teaching at the Harvest Gathering in Connecticut. Some fun stuff that I may or may write about. And more work on the next UTAO online course that starts in early September.
Politics: keep your eyes on what you want
It’s not all great. The political, social, and economic situation in this country is bad and it’s getting worse.
I’m doing my best to be an engaged citizen. I’m writing to my elected representatives more than ever. I’m under no illusion I’ll change their minds, but at least I’m letting them know that not all their constituents agree with tariffs, deportations without due process, and harassing trans people. I’ve voted in all the elections, including the non-partisan local elections where I had to do couple hours of research to figure out who was a principled Republican and who was a MAGA activist (the MAGA activists all lost, even here in the deep red Texas suburbs). It’s too early to start supporting Democratic candidates for 2026 (much less 2028) but I’m paying attention – and I’m listening for someone with a plan that’s more than “I’m not Trump.”
Just after the inauguration I wrote Keep Your Eyes On What You Want, where I said that while we can’t ignore the trainwreck, we can keep the trainwreck from dominating our lives.
Keep your eyes on the route, not on the obstacle.
Make choices that maximize your agency – reclaim your sovereignty.
Just do things.
Keep your eyes on what you want.
I can’t change the political environment. All I can do is live my life by the virtues and values my Gods teach and my soul affirms, and in doing so, contribute to building a better world.
I don’t always do a good job of taking my own advice. This time I am. And it’s making a difference. Whether it makes a difference in the wider world is hard to say. But it’s all I can do, so it’s what I will do.
So far this is a good year
Just as honesty compelled me to admit things weren’t good last year, honestly also compels me to say that things are better this year.
They’re better because I accepted reality even though I didn’t like it, and because I dealt with things as they actually were: not as I wished they were and not as I feared they might be.
They’re better in part because I did things to make them better, and in part because I gave things time to work out. And because I didn’t do anything impulsive that would have made things worse.
They’re better because of the grace of the Gods, which I cannot control but for which I am thankful.
This won’t be a perfect year. If nothing else, August is coming. But so is October.
“Better” doesn’t mean “great.” But better is good, and I like the direction I’m headed.
I’m going to stay with it.
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