What’s a Leader to Do with Women in Conflict?

Give them time… lots of time

Yes, you are busy and loathe hearing details. You want to get this thing over and done with so you can get back to the important topics on your agenda. But if you really want to help these women, and you really want to avert a serious conflict in your ministry, you are going to have to bite the bullet and give them time . . . lots of time.

Consider the nature of the dispute. If they are arguing over a date on the calendar, and this is their first disagreement, then resolution may come quickly. However, if tension between them is long-standing, involving a series of offenses, then your job will be more challenging. The longer the dispute has festered, the more time needed for healing.

Because men can segregate the conflict from other issues, reconciliation usually comes quicker. Men usually can duke it out and then go out to lunch as if nothing ever happened. You won’t find this pattern with women. For women, the issue is layered, and unless you address the layers, it is not over. Women may need space—they may not be ready to let go after just one session. The process may require stages—a time to listen and talk, and a time at home to consider what they heard and to decide how to respond. The slow rate of progress may make you crazy, but if you show your frustration, the women will know. They may try to hurry past important milestones that short-circuit true reconciliation. So slow down and give women time and space so that you won’t have to revisit the conflict in the future.

Pray

Most Christian women want to please God. Capitalize on their emotional bond with Jesus to counter the emotions that may have overcome them in the conflict. Pray for these women—in their presence. Your words may help them regain their equilibrium and perspective. An intercessory prayer may help convince them of your commitment to their wellbeing.

Listen First, Fix Later

Many times, to resolve a dispute between women, a man must start by being quiet. He should listen first, and long. Asking questions may help the women talk out their point of view, their “take” on the issue. And while they are seeking a solution from you, they may come across it themselves. Usually when a conflict has reached your office, it is tangled and complex, which requires more than a directive from you that will “fix” the problem. So be prepared to listen and ask questions.

Initially these women need to talk about the facts of the disputes and how each interprets those facts. They need to see through the other’s lenses and to understand how each one hurt the other. If you jump in with advice too soon, you will short circuit the process and hinder real reconciliation.

Take time to get to know the women involved, especially if they are strangers. Can you hear insecurities in their dialogue? What do you know about their background that plays into the issue? Can you discern their emotional state? How deep is the dispute? Watch body language and tone of voice. Keen listening skills will help you create an effective strategy for this particular situation.