A Manual for Marriage in Middle Age

Your first marriage book did not have a chapter on sex but this one has two. What’s up with that?

Indeed. Sex is hugely important in a marriage but it can also be the source of much pain and disappointment. I wanted to explore and name some of the sources for that pain and disappointment and then help couples to think about how they might find healing. Yes, sex is God-ordained. Yes, it’s meant to be wildly pleasurable—but there’s more to it than that. As with the other chapters in the book, I steer clear of easy answers and how-to and go after the deeper truths.

Who is your target audience?

This book was written for married men and women who are roughly between the ages of 40 and roughly 65. It’s unequivocally faith-based but not religious or moralistic. I’m aware that some readers might be on their second marriage and some might be celebrating thirty or even forty years together.

Why is midlife a particularly difficult season for marriages?

Everything piles up—including the losses, disappointments, and pressures. Additionally, our bodies are changing in a sort of reverse adolescence. There’s so much powerlessness! We can feel intimidated, overwhelmed, and defeated. The psychic and spiritual load can simply exceed our ability to bear up under it.

During this season, we have to figure out what we do have control over. Though we might feel totally powerless, that’s never true. We have agency and can make all kinds of consequential decisions. For example, Am I going to forgive my spouse for the ways he’s hurt me historically? Am I going to press in or back away from my spouse because of the many losses that we’ve faced?

It’s very easy to succumb to despair in midlife or act out in ways that are immature or destructive. My hope is to encourage readers to be thinking about their choices and choose well.

My marriage is in crisis mode. Would this book help?

Absolutely! There are many practical, insightful ideas in the book. If you’re in a difficult place, Marriage in the Middle will give you language and insight. I would add, though, that in and of itself reading this book would only be one aspect of getting the help you need. My husband and I are huge proponents of good marriage counseling and we don’t think you need to wait until you are mid-crisis to go.

My marriage is sailing along just fine. Why should I read this book?

Last year at one of our all-day marriage conferences, a couple attended who were celebrating their 50th anniversary that weekend. 50 years! When I asked them why they chose to come, the husband said, “There’s always room to grow.” I love that attitude and believe we should never assume that our marriage has arrived and does not need attention or support. I hope Christopher and I feel the same way when we are in our seventies.

What can couples do to proactively keep their marriages strong and satisfying?

• Communicate honestly. That includes listening well and being tender-hearted truth-tellers.
• Forgive throughly.
• Take responsibility for your contribution to marital issues rather than blaming your spouse.
• Commit to grow: both individually and together.
• Develop and maintain healthy friendships.
• Learn how to sacrifice for each other on a regular basis.
• Find and develop common areas of interest. Even if it’s only one or two things!
• Bless and encourage each other.
• Pray for and with each other.
• Figure out how you can serve the larger world together.

How are your two books the same or different?

These are two very different books. One way to think about the two books is that Making Marriage Beautiful is a foundational book suitable for all married couples and Marriage in the Middle is specific to midlife and is a graduate-level offering.

Marriage in the Middle drills down into the specifics of marriage for couples between the ages of roughly 40-65. It’s deeper and more intense. Like Making Marriage Beautiful, it points readers to the promises of Scripture, includes interviews with diverse couples, and is incredibly hopeful. Both books rely on the premise that God will provide for and sustain us as we navigate life together.

Marriage in the Middle releases September 15. Preorder now. And grab a couple for your friends.

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