“Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are.”
“Garbage in, garbage out.”
“You are what you eat.”
These well-known sayings all point to the same truth: what we consume in our diet determines the health we experience. Our bodies reflect our investment—or the lack of it.
Our marriages work the same way.
What you put into your marriage, you will get out.
Your marriage emerges from what you invest.
What we pour into our marriages is what flows back out. Throughout the entire testimony of Scripture, it constantly celebrates the beauty and sacredness of marriage. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 19:4–6 that when two become “one flesh,” God Himself has joined them—and “no one should separate” what God has united. Becoming “one” takes work. It requires surrender, humility, and a willingness to let go of the versions of ourselves that insist on individualism and resist intimacy.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer once wrote, “Christian marriage is marked by discipline and self-denial.” This is a sober reminder that while Jesus desires our unity as a couple, neglect can quietly undo what we never thought would come apart. Investment then appears to be discipline and self-denial.
Even the woman in the Song of Solomon helps us to glimpse the intentional effort love requires: “When I found the one my heart loves, I held him and would not let him go…” (Song of Solomon 3:4, GW).
Her love wasn’t passive—it was practiced, protected, and nurtured. No one needs to tell us this when love is young and passionate, but as emotions fade, the hardships of life will erode a shallow foundation.
This is why God instructed in Deuteronomy 24:5 that a newly married man was to stay home for a full year to bring happiness to his wife. Marriage deserves investment. It cannot be taken for granted.
Winning at Home First
Several years ago, I read “Win at Home First” by Cory M. Carlson during a challenging season. Carlson’s own marriage had faced tension, and out of it he developed rhythms to help people:
- craft a family vision,
- pursue work–rest balance,
- build marriages of intimacy and joy,
- nurture children intentionally,
- and lead with healthier boundaries.
Carlson’s conviction is simple: if you want to win anywhere, you must win at home first.
Carlson writes, “The difference between a good marriage and a great marriage is how long you allow the drift before you throw down the anchor and have a conversation.” (Carlson 2019, 120)
Drift is inevitable.
Anchoring is therefore an intentional act.
Carlson also insists: “In order to have a healthy and thriving marriage, dates should be a nonnegotiable.” (Carlson 2019, 132)
Time, space, and attention—this is how love grows. This became essential for me after reading this book. I wanted a marriage that wasn’t just good, but one that would be a legacy.
Learning to Live a Quieter Way Together
In 2020, I stepped out of a pastorate where I had invested seven years of my life. It was meaningful work, but also a context that hosted an unhealthy environment that quietly drained the joy and peace my family deserved from me. I knew that for the next season, I needed new rhythms. New boundaries. A new way of living.
That’s when Carlson’s words began shaping the way Katie and I approached our marriage. Carlson writes, “A critical part of winning at home is being proactive and setting up rhythms the family can count on.” (Carlson 2019, 167)
At first, I tried to develop this practice, and without good boundaries, life won. Date night needed to be part of my Rule of Life. But over time, I began to see what Carlson meant when he wrote:
“Predictable patterns not only create security; they give us something to look forward to as a family.” (Carlson 2019, 168)
We’ve been married for over nineteen years. For many of those years, we didn’t date each other the way we wanted to. Life was full—loud—busy—and packed with little ones, health concerns, and emerging careers. However, right around 2020, and slowly, we began to discover that loving each other well, quietly, consistently, and intentionally was part of the quieter life we longed for. It became part of our resistance against a culture obsessed with hurry. It started with date nights at home, then walks, and then small dates for coffee.
When our oldest was old enough to watch her sisters for short periods, again, we started small: coffee dates, short walks, and an hour downtown. We installed cameras, utilized deadbolts, established clear boundaries, and reviewed the plan with the girls on a weekly basis. They were safe. And for the first time in years, so were we—emotionally and relationally—as we invested in each other and our marriage together.
That bounded time was a milestone, and it changed everything.
It gave us space to rediscover each other.
Space to breathe.
Space to remember why we said “I do.”
And too many parents miss this window. They reach this stage, but don’t take the opportunity. Don’t let that be you.
Boundaries Build Better Marriages
In his book, Carlson notes, “Those who win at home have boundaries.” (Carlson 2019, 186)
Great marriages don’t happen by accident.
Great marriages happen by boundaries—time boundaries, work boundaries, emotional boundaries, spiritual boundaries.
Scripture calls us to an essential intentional practice, as the church, but our marriages are a place to practice the same intentionality: “Above all, love each other warmly because love covers many sins” (1 Peter 4:8, GW). I think that the better we do this together, the better we will do it with others.
Marriage is a blessing. It has been a highlight of my life. I am grateful for the experience and opportunity this gift has provided. Proverbs reminds us that it is a gift, writing “Whoever finds a wife finds something good and has obtained favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22, GW).
The scriptures not only celebrate marriage, but the blessedness of having a wife with character, which is described as “worth far more than jewels” (Proverbs 31:10, GW). This reminds us that marriage, and our wives, are to be prized and valued in the same way we might value and prize jewels. Peter writes, instructing husbands to this sort of value and intentionality when he writes, “Live with your wives in an understanding way… so that nothing will interfere with your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7, GW).
Peter’s point is clear. What output we give to our marriage will shape it. The stuff in our lives will come out in marriage and will either erode it or model love and understanding.
The scriptures remind us:
- Marriage is designed by God.
- Marriage is sacred.
- Marriage is a gift.
- Marriage is work.
- Marriage is worth it.
- Great marriages come from great investments.
As husbands—and wives—we must pay attention to what we are pouring in. Our tiredness, stress, distraction, and neglect will always flow out into the relationship. But so will our tenderness, delight, presence, gratitude, and intentionality.
Ordinary Moments Become Extraordinary
I still have a great deal to learn. But here is what I know now:
Good marriages happen with effort.
Great marriages happen with rhythms.
The intentionality we are modeling together through date nights is building something beautiful.
Intentionality is about leading a quiet life together; a great marriage isn’t found in flashy moments.
It doesn’t need grand gestures.
Great marriages, those stewarded well, require small, ordinary practices done consistently—such as anchoring conversations, scheduling weekly dates, and establishing boundaries that protect what matters most.
The intentionality we are modeling together through date nights, I also think, is investing in a contagious legacy for our children and others.
Loving each other well models love for others and for our kids.
These rhythms are where love grows roots.
Where unity becomes real.
Where “one flesh” is lived, not just spoken.
Because in the end, you are what you eat.
And your marriage becomes what you faithfully invest.
I invite you to consider.
Talk together. Leave a comment.
- What is one quiet investment you can make in your marriage this week—one small rhythm that helps your love grow deeper roots?
- Where might God be inviting you to throw down the anchor, reset a rhythm, or create a new boundary that helps your marriage thrive?
- What is one practical step—big or small—you and your spouse can take to move from “drifting” to “anchoring” this week?
P.S. My wife wrote about this from her angle on her blog, too.
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