When you think of a minister’s life, what do you think it’s like? Do you picture ministers sitting around with their Bibles, praying all day? Assume your pastor or leader never gets upset? Think every conversation involves a Bible verse?
If this is your image of ministry…I have news for you. It’s not like this at all!
Ministers are like everyone else. We have diverse feelings about matters. Our days can be good or bad (or something in between). Part of the reason why church leaders are often buckling under the weight of stress and pressure is from is from too many years of “playing church minister.” We often bow to the pressure to meet a certain image or concept of ministry (that is often a kickback from denominationalism) that, in the long run, hurts ministers. It causes desperation and discouragement, and, over time, break up ministry into a wildly long list of “dos and don’ts” that becomes intimidating and legalistic.
As a minister, I want to see the church break through this nonsense so we can get back to Kingdom building and stop play acting as preachers. Here we will look at ten different things we don’t openly discuss about ministry. It is my hope that, through writing this, many of us will be able to step up and be comfortable with how we feel – not because we are wrong, but because it is a realistic truth that ministry today is hard. That having been said…
Ministers’ personal relationships are often not brimming with meaning
Ministers of all denominations face pressure to be married and have a picture-perfect ministry life…even if it is a total lie. Even in the first century, marriage was the cultural standard. Whether it was due to political alliances, social standing, child-bearing, or companionship, people faced the pressure to marry, whether they wanted to do so, or not. The Apostle Paul encouraged ministers to remain single if they were able to do so, not to eliminate or put down marriage, but to uphold the single life as an option for the Christian minister. He gave this advice for a few reasons. The major reason? Marriage brings unique challenges, which can create complications for ministers who don’t receive the right support. Over time, this can prove distracting for ministry.
Needed perspective
I have yet to meet a married minister who doesn’t experience the challenge of the two things colliding at some point in time. If anything, most ministers have very difficult personal lives. While I’m sure this is not the case for everyone, ministry brings its own unique situation to the table, which often collides with marriage. We understand this precept with other professions: If you are married to a lawyer, you must tolerate trial preparation. If you’re married to a doctor, you run the risk of medical emergencies interrupting your weekend.
The same is true for ministry. A powerful call on one’s life can easily cause misunderstanding, especially when a partner’s call is different. It can additionally be a challenge to live with someone who deals with a lack of support, encouragement, challenge, debate, and role stereotypes. Spouses don’t like seeing their mates disrespected by the church, and this too can cause conflict.
Never assume that the pictures, images, or concepts you see of couples in ministry is always an accurate portrayal of what goes on behind-the-scenes in their relationship dynamics. Ministers have difficulties in their private lives, just like everyone else.
We are not always happy or in a good mood
What do Moses, David, Jesus, Peter, and Paul all have in common? They were not happy 24/7. If anything, I’d say they all have being deeply serious in common.
I don’t know why we think ministers need to be constantly upbeat, smiling, and happy 24/7. The majority of people who walked in a calling in Scripture were deeply serious, melancholy, and contemplative people. They were grieved by the sins that surrounded them and wanted to establish the order of God in the midst of chaos. This led them to not always be the picture-perfect crowd dressed in white, walking around on a cloud, and singing the Hallelujah Chorus all day.
The truth
Ministers get disgusted with people we lead and unresolved issues that seem to arise, time and time again. By the tenth counseling session of the day, filled with marital problems, suicidal children, repeat problems, and the total lack of order and responsibility in people’s lives, we’re most likely not in a good mood. I’ve had days where I don’t feel like talking to anyone, meeting any more needs, seeing any more people, or hearing about another person…possibly for as long as I live. Then the sun sets and rises again and we start all over again.
While a normal job operates on a 40-hour schedule, ministers often spend extensive hours working behind the scenes in counseling, study and research. Then, they spend additional hours in the pulpit, on the internet, or working on the road in preaching, Bible study, teaching, leading…and then there are the many peripheral things ministers may do, such as writing, sermon preparation, prayer, and sometimes, a job to help supplement income. We feel tired. We sometimes cry and sometimes face exhaustion. Ministry can be overwhelming. We are not always in a good mood. Please, don’t hold it against us. Are you always in a good mood? I didn’t think so. We forgive you; now extend that courtesy back to us.
We get tired of being “needed” all the time
Ministers love helping others. At the same time, it is exhausting to always listen to, support, and talk to everyone. Listening to other’s problems (sometimes repeatedly), praying for people at all hours of the day and night, receiving phone calls at all hours, anointing people for every need, hearing complaints, building others up, and laying hands on everyone…and do all this with the expectation that everything is done for free only to have to do it again the next day…is overwhelming. The needs of those we serve often leave little time to expand the vision, especially when those needs seem excessive.
Most ministers highly appreciate those who are not exceedingly needy, because it is a sign of spiritual fruit. Ministry’s goal is not dependence on leaders, but growth and maturity. If you’re spiritually advancing, you shouldn’t have to run to your leader for every little problem. We like it when you reach a point to where you don’t call us every ten minutes to ask our opinion or “bounce” things off of us. Naturally, we are here for what you need…but you should reach a point where you don’t need us constantly.
We need “pouring in” from time to time
I am quick to correct those who approach me with their hand out, especially if we have no relationship. Whether one comes asking for money, items, prayer, free teaching, or time, such is a solicitation. They’re expecting me to provide for them without ever considering my ability to meet their need. Never do they ask how I am, what needs our ministry has, if I need prayer, or if there’s something they can do for us. It’s always give to them, because they don’t consider the complications of leading.
Many believe that leaders get everything they need from God. That’s a nice idea, but it’s over-spiritualizing the ministry calling. In the Old Testament, the Levites received both financial support and community offerings from the people of Israel. They received spiritual encouragement from one another. God doesn’t just randomly “pour into” leaders by a mystical method. Ministers need words of encouragement, direction from God, gifts of appreciation, and yes, financial support from those they lead. God often provides through others. This means you!
We know we don’t spend enough time with everyone who wants our time…because there aren’t enough hours in the day to go around
Most of the time when you come to us and say, “Do you have a minute?,” the truth is no, we don’t have a minute. We are too busy preparing the Bible study you will attend…or writing the blog you will read…or writing the book you don’t want to buy because you think we should give you a free copy…or writing the sermon you will hear at the service or conference…or planning the next event you are waiting to attend, but don’t tell anyone about…especially to hear you complain because you want a new car and God told you that you have a car and to live with what you have because you can’t afford a new one without being evicted from your apartment…but we’ll give you our time…anyway.
Encountering pressures
Ministers face constant pressures in ministry, at home, among friends, and among those who are our spiritual responsibility. We are supposed to be all things to everyone in our life and wear multiple hats: apostle, prophet, evangelist, pastor, teacher, minister, friend, lover, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, sex kitten, stud, housekeeper, mother, father, student, disciple, author, counselor, chef, chauffeur, internet connoisseur, IT personnel…did I forget anything? There are plenty of days when we don’t spend enough time with someone, don’t get back to someone fast enough, spend enough time with family, or do what would make someone else happy in an endless cycle of instant gratification.
If you want to step up and help your minister as an assistant, they will appreciate it. In the meantime, we dislike sermons, speeches, lectures, and opinions telling us to extend ourselves beyond capability. We can’t be lighting fast people who flip on and off at the move of a switch. We can’t be perfect, and we can’t be everywhere else at once. When we are able to attend to your needs, gratitude is essential.
Ministry is hard
We get through ministry with God’s help, but that doesn’t always make it easy. I believe ministry is a little bit of everything: counseling, public speaking, writing, study, personnel, business and finance, spirituality, image, and persona alike. Wearing multiple hats in one area of profession is a challenge. It is difficult to get help, and even harder to get good help. What ministers see breaks their hearts, as they watch nations, cultures, and most of all, people fall into disrepair in their lives, into idolatry and all sorts of sin, and far away from God. It’s a gift from God and often a burden with the people. Don’t condescend your ministers by ever thinking the call on their lives (which costs personally as well as visibly) is an “easy” walk.
We do not need any more responsibilities
Ministers generally have too much work, too little money, too much stress, and struggle to find the balance between ministry and their private lives. Most of the time, we figure something out. This doesn’t mean what we figure out is great or the best answer, but we find ways to get through and keep going.
We don’t need suggestions that involve taking on additional weekly activities. We don’t need advice on starting a weekly prayer line, another weekly broadcast, or another job. I understand the advice may be well-meaning, but there is also a larger-than-life expectation that ministers should all be doing whatever everyone else in ministry is doing. If we are doing what God has asked of us to do, we are doing enough.
We don’t always like the people we deal with (covering and work)
A few columns back, I wrote about working with people you don’t like (and vice versa). Ministry is often compared to natural parenthood, and it’s an unspoken task to never speak, think, or address the issue that leaders don’t always like the people they lead. As God works both in and through ministers and those they lead simultaneously, the people we lead are not always brought to us for a long-term, caring relationship. Sometimes the goal is to work patience and discipline within us as we develop whatever is necessary in them. The same is true with other ministers with which we work: sometimes the relationships are awkward or strained. They are there for a purpose, but the purpose is not to run off into the Kingdom of God and live happily ever after.
I truly love the people I work with – both in covering and in ministerial relationships – but that has not always been the case. I also know it will not always be the case. In ministry, we deal with people. This means we don’t always like everything about everyone, and we don’t always agree with the course someone may take or the decisions they pursue. You may never know it from the way we behave, but like everyone else, we have opinions, likes, and dislikes about the people we work with, deal with, and lead.
We get lonely
Ministry tends to be a very lonely walk. We assume ministers have people around all the time and, therefore, that they should have every need met. What people don’t often consider is that the majority of people around ministers are not their friends – they are either ministerial associates or people they lead. This means there’s a lot of people around us all the time who need us for one thing or another, have a question, or just generally want something from us.
We are ministers, not rock stars. The people around us are not groupies wanting to buy us stuff or throw their underwear in our general direction. Living with people who constantly need all the time and who don’t necessarily care about us as people or our own needs can cause us to feel isolated and lonely. This is why it’s very important ministers have other friends who are also ministers to talk and share with about their walk and what they are going through – and to share in mutual support when things are difficult or discouraging.
Please respect our personal space (and time)
It’s very common for people to think a minister’s personal items, belongings, and other things are for public consumption. Too many think a leader’s things are available to touch, manhandle, move, or sometimes take, without permission. I understand that embracing the anointing on a leader’s life leads to intrigue. That doesn’t mean every item we own becomes communal property. You’re welcome to ask where we got something, or ask about it, but don’t feel the right to touch, take, or handle things without permission.
Along the same lines, nobody “owns” a minister’s time. Respect the fact that ministers need time and distance from ministry, regardless of what they might do with that time. Whether it’s a date night, a day off to sleep in or do personal chores, private study time, or just doing…whatever, don’t burn up a leader’s phone with messages when they need time off.
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