Is “Amoris Laetitia” Comfort Food For The Hungry Flock?

At last we have it… the long awaited papal exhortation that concludes the 2014 and 2015 Synods on the Family, Amoris Laetitia. Some are calling this document a catastrophe, while others take a much lighter, cheerful stance . The USCCB has officially dubbed the document, “A love letter to the Church.” It’s important to listen to our canon lawyers, bishops, and theologians, but since I am none of these, I want to talk about it from a lay person’s view; as someone who has experienced the devastation and hardship of being a divorced Catholic.

I first have to say, I’ve always loved the fact that Pope Francis is not afraid to shine the light on the real and difficult problems families these days face. During my post-divorce years there were plenty of times I wish the priest at the pulpit would offer some wisdom about how to heal from divorce, or whether or not I should be coming to mass at all. It was fairly depressing when parishioners would avoid me because they knew I was divorced. We cannot continue to ignore the problems modern families face. We have to have these conversations. We have to find compassionate ways of handle these issues and Pope Francis is willing to take it all on. Love that.

Even more, I love the fact that Pope Francis is so adamant that we “accompany” each other in our difficulties. This is critical in resolving problems in the modern Church, in my opinion. The Pope uses that word consistently as he addresses each of the issues of concern that were discussed at the synods.

But there were a few parts that made me uncomfortable. I’ve always asserted that being merciful to someone in an irregular situation does not mean you condone the irregularity. But at some points in Amoris Laetitia, it does sound as if no one is really at fault for much at all. Statements like, “The divorced who have entered a new union, for example, can find themselves in a variety of situations, which should not be pigeonholed or fit into overly rigid classifications leaving no room for a suitable personal and pastoral discernment (AL 298)” left me feeling as if making someone feel comfortable and accepted is more important than helping them understand the need to resolve their situation.

Pope Francis indicates that some civilly remarried couples are in very difficult situations that don’t permit them to separate or live as brother and sister, adding that their second marriages are “consolidated over time, with new children, proven fidelity, generous self giving, Christian commitment.” I get it. I understand what he’s saying and don’t entirely disagree, but the fact remains that someone in this situation is still married to their first spouse unless proven otherwise by the annulment process. That’s a big deal. It’s these areas that make it sound like we’re just giving comfort food to someone who is sick and really needs a dose of medicine instead.

In my personal journey after divorce, I didn’t really move forward or experience much healing until I stopped being a victim. That meant I had to roll up my sleeves and do the hard work. If all we do is coddle someone, we are enabling the victim mentality. We can’t be ambiguous in these situations, and more importantly, we shouldn’t deny others the opportunity to experience the great transformation that comes as a result of carrying a heavy cross.

When I look back at my post divorce years, I feel a mix of anguish, melancholy and joy. Those seven years of my life will always be a dark sea of pain and loneliness. I learned hard lessons, but the joy I experienced was the joy of a transformed relationship with God and becoming a completely new and better person because of that awful experience. Isn’t this what we should be striving for in every situation?

I’ve been accused before of setting the bar too high for divorced Catholics. One review of my latest book, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce, reads:

Duffy has extremely high standards for individuals to meet before being ready to date after a divorce (or to date in the first place). If everyone met them, no doubt the world would have many more happy marriages. However, we live in a world of imperfection. Perhaps it would be more practical to aim for the high standard, but be willing to accept an 80% success rate in both oneself and potential partners.

Why be content with an 80% success rate when it’s entirely within one’s reach to have 100%? As we accompany each other on the journey to heaven, I believe that should be the message we encourage each other with.

Overall, I think Pope Francis’ letter to us is a beautiful presentation of what marriage and family life should be, and has some very strong and profound points. I just hope some of these gray areas I mention don’t perpetuate the civil marriage problem instead of drawing couples in irregular situations closer to full communion with the Church.

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