This week I’ve decided to write about sex. Why? I’m glad you asked! It’s because Men and Women don’t seem to understand each other due to the fact that we are so different. We think different and have different needs. Yet if we just took a few unselfish minutes to try and understand the opposite sex, we would untap the gold mine of a fulfilling sex life that virtually no one knows about!
In the first part of this two part series, we focused on the women. Guys, I hope you learned a thing or two and that your sex life is starting to align with God’s perfect design! Today, I want to turn our attention to the men.
HER NO DOESN’T MEAN YOU
Men I want you to do two things that you’re really good at. Think Clearly. Think about Sex. Now I want you do something you’re not any good at, do these two things at the same time. Here’s the revelation, are you ready?
Her “no” doesn’t mean you.
No matter how much we hear about women being different, men still grow up thinking women are just like us. Inside, we can’t believe that anyone could feel differently about sex than us. Sex is powerful and fun and free and who would not want more free fun? I mean, we know how we’re wired, our wives just have to show a little leg and man! We’re putty! How can anyone not feel this way about sex?
So when we initiate and they can take it or leave it, we go to a bad place: “I’m repulsive.” “I’m not a priority.” “I’m undesirable.” “She doesn’t care.” And men, when you’re there, you are in the danger zone.
The Danger Zone
One man who found himself in the danger zone wrote:
“She doesn’t understand, she thinks I’m an animal. But I don’t want simple physical release. I need to be intimate and sex is just the vehicle. I need intimacy, I need caring, and I need to know I’m wanted and important. The first available woman, who thinks I’m important and desirable, who wants to share intimacy, I feel, right now, I would have no restraint against such a woman”.
That guy is in the danger zone because he has taken a “no to sex” to mean “no to me”. The thing is, if he could see his wife’s heart, he would know, it’s NOT about him at all. What he’s taking as deep-hearted rejection is not meant to be. When polled 75% of women said their lower sexual desire has nothing to do with their husbands desirability or general “studliness” at all.
The top three reasons given by women themselves were:
– Lower sex drive 60%
– Too tired or stressed 60%
– Hard to transition 48%
There is something to the physiology. Testosterone is an initiating sexual hormone and women simply have less of it coursing through their veins. That doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy sex. There are other receptive sex hormones which allow for vivid response in females. In fact, they’re the only female animal on earth that can be sexually responsive always as opposed to once a year. But what this physiological reality means is two things:
– They’re not wired to initiate sex as much as you
– They’re more susceptible to distractions to sex.
So one more time: it’s NOT ABOUT YOU!
The Air Waves are Polluted
Now men, the movies and increasingly available porn has polluted our minds. We are lead to think that all women would be unrestrained bimbos if we were just Tom Cruise or if they stopped being prudes. But that’s a lie. On surveys, 82% of women would change that if they could. They WANT to want you, they just don’t physically feel it like you do.
A wife and husband once had this conversation:
– SHE: There isn’t one thing about your body that makes me sexually attracted to you…
– HE: I thought I was sexy to you and good looking… you said so before!
– SHE: You are, but that has nothing to do with why I want to have sex with you.
– HE: But, I… how?
– SHE: Babe, look, I like you and I like sex when we’re having it, but it’s not like my body is lusting after yours.
– HE: But what about me in my black leather jacket? You always come up to me and growl. Are you saying?
– SHE: Nope, even you in the leather jacket. You look hot, but I’m not sexually aroused one bit.
What does this mean!!??
So what this means, and I know you’ve heard this before, is that sex starts in her heart. You can desire sex after you fought in the morning. The fight actually might make it better, make you feel like you can resolve something to feel close again. She can’t do that. Why not? She’s too integrated for that. It all touches. She has to feel a total connection with you. And she has to have mental space to feel that connection.
So how do you help foster sexual intimacy? In short everything I’ve been writing about the last two weeks on love and communication. Men, I bet you didn’t know we’ve already had 2 weeks on sex*! Because it all connects. In case you have not been following this series:
– PAY ATTENTION.
Women were candid about what helps open the sex window.
- 73% said emotional attention helps.
- 71% said little serving gestures or flirtation.
- 67% said listening or talking together.
– GIVE CHASE.
Women need the pursuit, affirmation of beauty because God made them with a beauty to reveal. They are fighting a culture that tells them constantly what’s wrong with them physically. You have to be her champion and fight that battle for her. She’s beautiful. Tell her. She needs to feel attractive to feel sexual.
– GIVE WARNING.
Again a nod to spaghetti brains, it’s 90% mental with her, 10% physical. A little hint during the day, plants the thought in her mind, it plugs in her iron so it can be hot later on.
– NON SEXUAL TOUCHING.
If you hope your wife heard that you are not an animal and that sex touches a deep need in you, your wife is now hoping that you hear that if every time you make a move towards her, it’s to have sex, it will feel like pure selfish release no matter how much you know it’s not. So you have to convince her that you can and will put sexual release on hold for her. Her body is yours after all. What does IT want?
– TALK ABOUT RESPONSE.
In the 21% of women where their man had something to do with their lower sexual interest, they honestly shared a brutal truth: They were hesitant because they did not anticipate pleasure. This is a difficult subject, but someone has to be willing to talk about it. And it’s as simple as a question: Do you experience full sexual response (Song of Solomon)? She might be protecting your feelings, so if she isn’t the kind to tell you what works and what doesn’t, you have to ask and then act accordingly. Imagine if you “went there” sexually but never “got there”. It would be de-motivating.
Men some days, she’s wanting to get started, but you have to jump start it. And it will take more than your black leather jacket, or flashing your awesome pecs at bedtime. In fact, that might work against you, just FYI. It will take you being a minister to her. If she can count on you to do that, you will be able to count on her too.
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© 2016 MANLY TRAINING
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