Catholic and Enjoying It!
Your your Disgraces, my Thorns, Shadies, and Gentlegoons. I note with extreme displeasure that my ranks have stopped swelling. Naturally, I blame you. I’ve been putting in long hours brooding and can’t be expected to do everything. However, since there has been an alarming 48 hour pauses in the rank swelling process, it appears I have to take drastic action.
That action comes in the form of cruel and unusual punishment, otherwise known as the Winners of the 2009 Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. Savor the exquisite wretchedness of a man I am proud to hail as a fellow Washingtonian:
Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin’ off Nantucket Sound from the nor’ east and the dogs are howlin’ for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the “Ellie May,” a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin’ and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests.
David McKenzie
Federal Way, WA
The awesomeness continues:
Runner-Up
The wind dry-shaved the cracked earth like a dull razor–the double edge kind from the plastic bag that you shouldn’t use more than twice, but you do; but Trevor Earp had to face it as he started the second morning of his hopeless search for Drover, the Irish Wolfhound he had found as a pup near death from a fight with a prairie dog and nursed back to health, stolen by a traveling circus so that the monkey would have something to ride.
Warren Blair
Ashburn, VAGrand Panjandrum’s Special Award
Fleur looked down her nose at Guilliame, something she was accomplished at, being six foot three in her stocking feet, and having one of those long French noses, not pert like Bridget Bardot’s, but more like the one that Charles De Gaulle had when he was still alive and President of France and he wore that cap that was shaped like a little hatbox with a bill in the front to offset his nose, but it didn’t work.
Marguerite Ahl
Prescott valley, AZ
There’s more but…
That is all.
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