Kevin O’Brien Explains the Guy/Girl Thing

Actors are a notably opinionated bunch. Here, for instance, is environmental and legal expert, Brad Pitt recommending the death penalty for BP executives on the strength of his having been in Oceans 11. Actors–who spend a lot of time pretending to be somebody else and reciting brilliant words somebody else gave them to say and standing in attitudes somebody else posed them in and summoning similacra of emotions in order to fake you into feeling things–feel deeply the artificiality of what they do and so tend to fling themselves into sundry social justice causes of which they know little. This is especially true of highly paid ones who know in their bones that the play pretending they do all day and the pampering they receive for doing it is radically out of sync with the actual value of their work and the quality of their lives. So they run off to Africa to lobby for condoms or Rock Against Yeast or take up some other trendy cause like Death for BP in order to feel like they are doing something real–because it’s all about how they feel and the need to medicate that.

That said, it is *not* the case that actors (especially the *un*-highly paid ones) have no solid human wisdom to pass along from hard experience. There is a long tradition of wise older birds teaching the young up-and-comers the ropes, especially in theatre. As a former theatre major, I can concur with Kevin O’Brien that one thing life among theatre folk will show you is the multiplicity of ways people (and particularly women) can screw up their lives by falling in love with losers (as, for instance, Jennifer Aniston did). Read the whole piece, but particularly, ladies, memorize Kevin’s handy list of tips–especially if you are a theatre type:

1. If a guy is addicted to drugs, cross him off your list.

2. If a guy has a thing for guys, cross him off your list. Sure he’s a great friend, but the closeness you feel with him comes from the fact that there’s no sexual tension between you.

3. If a guy is not happy with you having a life outside of him, cross him off your list. Possessiveness and control is NOT a sign of love; it’s a sign of a dangerous man.

4. If a guy starts to stalk you, cross him off your list. Stalking is NOT a sign of love, it’s a sign of a nasty sickness.

5. If a guy is either obsessed with sex or else obsessed with avoiding sex – if you can’t tell him no or he never gives you the opportunity to tell him no – cross him off your list.

6. If a guy shows the least hint of wanting to “discern a vocation to the priesthood or religious life”, don’t cross him off your list, but break the entire relationship off until he’s certain he’s called instead to marriage. Then, if he wavers again after “finally discerning marriage” and is the least bit “not sure”, cross him off your list.

7. Do not listen to the puritan-Catholics who tell you that dating is evil, courtship is good. Dating is casual courtship, which is fine as long as it doesn’t lead to casual sex (or formal sex, for that matter). You do NOT have to go out only with men who are serious prospects. In fact, there is no way of knowing a man is a serious prospect until you spend some casual time with him. Dating should be fun and the guy should be fun. If he’s not, cross him off your list.

8. DATE AS MANY GUYS AS POSSIBLE before becoming engaged. Do NOT have sex with as many guys as possible (in fact, do not “make out”, but do kiss), and do not believe the lie that fornication is OK if you really love each other. In fact, if you have sex with a guy before you marry him, you stand a fine chance of him dating you for nine years before he gets off his butt and does the right thing. But DO DATE A LOT. Only by dating a lot of guys will you know what men are like and what to watch out for.

9. Do not panic. You can’t do a thing about finding love, other than putting yourself in the right environment (avoid pick up bars and community theater, for example). If there is any proof that the ways of God are beyond mere mortals, it’s the fact that we can’t work our way up into finding the right person to love.

10. It’s a humbling thing, and it will NEVER go smoothly!

St. Genesius, pray for us!