You Can’t Prove it Isn’t True

A manly reader reveals the TRVTH about Fatima’s *real* message:

Since this pants issue came up, I’ve had a revelation.

I’ve noticed that, as I walk down the street, that women have been turning their heads and looking at me. Since the weather is warm here in Southern California, I’ve been wearing short-sleeved shirts. But, it finally dawned on me that my forearms are inflaming the passions of my fellow sisters in Christ. (I’m assuming some of these women are Christian, though undoubtedly many are pagan.) Now, I am of Mediterranean ancestry, so my forearms are very virile and hairy (like Antonio Banderas), so I have decided that henceforth it is my moral duty to wear long sleeve shirts.

I had not noticed this before, so I trust that God, who is rich in mercy and slow to anger, will pardon my sartorial offenses that were committed out of ignorance. But, now I know and have no excuse.

Moreover, I’ve come to understand more fully the revelation that was made at Fatima: “Certain fashions will be introduced that will offend God very much.” Where, I ask you, were these revelations made? In Portugal. She was clearly talking about short sleeved and especially sleeveless shirts, because Portuguese men have the manliest, hairiest forearms, most likely to cause women to swoon and be consumed by lust.

So, now it is explained and all should be forewarned. If you come from Mediterranean stock, you must henceforth wear long sleeves! (A plenary indulgence is granted to men of other backgrounds (like you Irish Mark Shea) because your forearms are effeminate and not a near occasion of sin for anyone.) Be sleeveless at your own peril!

I’ve done all I can here. I shake the dust from my sandals and move on.

I curl up in a ball of effeminate Celtic impotence before the radiance of your Zeus-like Mediterranean splendor. Yours is the superior manliness! Thank you for veiling the awesomeness of your radiant and glorious biceps so that women may remain chaste and men not feel themselves rebuked beyond the pale of hope by the mere wave of your hairy arm. You are truly a compassionate and wise lord of men. May all true saints lift up holy–and sleeved–arms in the future and wear the garments of righteousness CatholiCity God intended.