A reader writes:

I just want to say, “Thank you” for writing your blog. Having been raised by some nominally Catholic baby boomers (God love them, they gave me life!) I have been searching for the Truth I was never taught for most of my adult life now. I am a revert and was received into the Church fully almost ten years ago and by the working of the Holy Spirit my parents have started to attend mass regularly again over the last several years. I clearly see now the truth you state in there being just as many cafeteria Catholics on the right as there are on the left. My parents are die hard conservatives, and as they are starting to attend church again they are picking and choosing their teachings as they go (please pray for them!). Now, knowing what I know about my parents, their “marriage” is really not recognized by the Church at all on account that my father is still married to his first wife. My parents (both Catholic) obviously knew of the impossibility of their marriage in the Church and chose to be “married” in a protestant ceremony of some sort. Having spoken with them about the issue, they refuse to acknowledge that they are living in a state of sin. Sadly, they just don’t care what the Church says, they receive the Eucharist, etc. and have not pursued an annulment of any sort. The odd thing is that, and I guess this is why I am writing you, they will often go on a rant in front of me or others about how liberal the Church is. They will carry on about the importance of a return to Latin in the Mass, how the priest in their parish isn’t speaking out enough about issues like abortion or homosexuality, they actually left Mass one day after receiving communion claiming they had to get out of the sanctuary because they were sensing “Evil” in the guitar and bongo music (granted, it’s not the best liturgical music in the world!). I don’t know what to say in response anymore, so I just listen dumbfounded. My mother is even now trying to write bulletin inserts for their parish, with little mini-lessons concerning certain social issues and the Catechism (of course, she will avoid that tricky section on annulments).

I guess what I’m asking is that you seriously pray for cafeteria Catholics on both sides and especially pray hard for individuals that have become obsessed with a “cause” or “causes” within the Church. I’m beginning to think that many of them are tirelessly pursuing these causes as a way of avoiding facing the serious sin in their own lives. It seems to me if they can just point out enough of what’s wrong, or fix enough of other people’s sins they think God won’t notice their own. Am I off target here? This is the only answer I can come up with as this type of behavior is somewhat baffling to me. It’s also painful because I love my parents and want to see them come home fully, but I trust the Holy Spirit knows what He is doing. I would love to hear your thoughts regarding this type of phenomenon.

I always tremble when somebody asks me for pastoral advice, but since you want a reply, here goes:

First, God bless you and you parents for, in your own ways, taking real steps toward Christ and his Church. Look back on where you were 15 years ago and reflect on how far you’ve all come. Do you all have a ways to go yet in the perfect consistency department? Sure. So do we all. But things are much better than they were, and that’s something.

I suspect you are probably right in your diagnosis of the peculiar cafeteria Catholicism that is playing out in your family. The trick, of course, is speaking the truth in love (which includes maintaining love when the truth is rejected). The Holy Spirit is a mighty river who can wear mountains down over time. If your folks are really growing closer to Holy Church (and not merely to grumpy semi-conservatism), I don’t see how their consciences will be able to avoid the Church’s teaching on the sacrament of Marriage any more than they have been able to avoid the Church’s teaching on the Eucharist. What they need from you is for you to do your part as a daughter and Honor Your Father and Mother, making sure that they know they always have your love and honor. That’s hard when you know they are wrong, but the good news is that through such love the Holy Spirit can and does work. God is extremely patient by all accounts and he is in the business of changing hearts. Keep praying for them and asking the Holy Spirit to come in and work through all the doors they *have* left open to him, till the day comes when they can pluck up the courage to open the door they are currently keeping locked. God wants nothing but happiness for them and will bring things to a happy end for them if they trust him.

God bless you for being such a loving, honest daughter to them. You are a huge gift and you inspire me.