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Shocking Voter Fraud Alleged by Random Comboxers!

Shocking Voter Fraud Alleged by Random Comboxers! February 29, 2012

One person writes:

Obviously, Fr. Z took a dirty trick from Santorum’s playbook and got Baptists, Lutherans, and (gasp) Unitarians to vote for him!

This has vote fraud written all over it!!1!!1!!

While another writes:

I tried to vote again today and the form told me i already had – but I hadn’t – i’m not sure why that would be

If you can’t trust the unsubstantiated rumor of a random comboxer, what can you trust? Clearly Fr. Z is drawing support from *non*-Catholics who, while technically *allowed* to vote and who have every *legal* (though not moral) “right” to do so, are nonetheless in clear violation of Real Catholic[TM] political thought by daring to consider themselves free citizens and not chattel of the Church Militant who are only allowed to live in our country on our sufferance. As Michael Voris explains with the lucidity of a latter-day Aquinas:

I, for one, am shocked. It had never occurred to me that Fr. Z would be drawing votes from riff-raff and not (as I do) from the smaller *purer* Church of Real Catholics. So I propose a new system of ‘value weighting’ for each vote. The votes I have received should count for a “full person” since each one of my votes come from informed, holy, deeply spiritual Real Catholics[TM], while the human debris voting for Fr. Zuhlsdorf? Who even *knows* who these people are? Are they even Catholic? My reader certainly alleges they aren’t. And what an unknown person in a combox alleges is, in my book, unquestioned fact. Unless you want to call my reader a liar. Well, in *my* America, a random comboxer is innocent till *proven* guilty, and I am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! So in the interest of fairness, I think it’s only right that Fr. Z’s votes count for 1/10 of a Real Catholic. This would mean that I am currently leading him at 7% to 6.1%.

Also, I can’t help but notice that at least one person has reported some rather shady shenanigans with the voting, which can only be due to malice and conspiracy and not some conveeeeeeeenient “glitch” or technical ineptitude. When I am crowned king of the About.com blogosphere, I promise that, not only will all you handsome, beautiful and unbribable people all be given a pony (not as a reward for voting for me, but just because I like the cut of your jib), but also all evil conspiracies will be outlawed and technical difficulties will be dealt with by swift and draconian bursts of irrational rage, like this:

Short-term, ill-planned bursts of cathartic temper that feel good while sucking us into a maelstrom of unforeseen consequences are what I call effective leadership that gets things done without a lot of red tape. If it worked for the Iraq War, it will work for me too.

Anyway, based on these two irrefutable random combox remarks and my unanswerable logic in interpreting them, I believe the only wise short term response is to a) post another Pat Boone video…

… and b) to warn the People of Earth that more of these are coming until my demands for fairness are met. After that, I will have no further territorial claims on the Internet.

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