Shocking Voter Fraud Alleged by Random Comboxers!

Shocking Voter Fraud Alleged by Random Comboxers! February 29, 2012

One person writes:

Obviously, Fr. Z took a dirty trick from Santorum’s playbook and got Baptists, Lutherans, and (gasp) Unitarians to vote for him!

This has vote fraud written all over it!!1!!1!!

While another writes:

I tried to vote again today and the form told me i already had – but I hadn’t – i’m not sure why that would be

If you can’t trust the unsubstantiated rumor of a random comboxer, what can you trust? Clearly Fr. Z is drawing support from *non*-Catholics who, while technically *allowed* to vote and who have every *legal* (though not moral) “right” to do so, are nonetheless in clear violation of Real Catholic[TM] political thought by daring to consider themselves free citizens and not chattel of the Church Militant who are only allowed to live in our country on our sufferance. As Michael Voris explains with the lucidity of a latter-day Aquinas:

I, for one, am shocked. It had never occurred to me that Fr. Z would be drawing votes from riff-raff and not (as I do) from the smaller *purer* Church of Real Catholics. So I propose a new system of ‘value weighting’ for each vote. The votes I have received should count for a “full person” since each one of my votes come from informed, holy, deeply spiritual Real Catholics[TM], while the human debris voting for Fr. Zuhlsdorf? Who even *knows* who these people are? Are they even Catholic? My reader certainly alleges they aren’t. And what an unknown person in a combox alleges is, in my book, unquestioned fact. Unless you want to call my reader a liar. Well, in *my* America, a random comboxer is innocent till *proven* guilty, and I am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! So in the interest of fairness, I think it’s only right that Fr. Z’s votes count for 1/10 of a Real Catholic. This would mean that I am currently leading him at 7% to 6.1%.

Also, I can’t help but notice that at least one person has reported some rather shady shenanigans with the voting, which can only be due to malice and conspiracy and not some conveeeeeeeenient “glitch” or technical ineptitude. When I am crowned king of the blogosphere, I promise that, not only will all you handsome, beautiful and unbribable people all be given a pony (not as a reward for voting for me, but just because I like the cut of your jib), but also all evil conspiracies will be outlawed and technical difficulties will be dealt with by swift and draconian bursts of irrational rage, like this:

Short-term, ill-planned bursts of cathartic temper that feel good while sucking us into a maelstrom of unforeseen consequences are what I call effective leadership that gets things done without a lot of red tape. If it worked for the Iraq War, it will work for me too.

Anyway, based on these two irrefutable random combox remarks and my unanswerable logic in interpreting them, I believe the only wise short term response is to a) post another Pat Boone video…

… and b) to warn the People of Earth that more of these are coming until my demands for fairness are met. After that, I will have no further territorial claims on the Internet.

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  • Sherry Weddell

    Your master plan is beginning to bear fruit, O Dark one! Your percentage has risen to 8% and Fr. Z’s has fallen to 59%. Only 51% to go!

  • Joe

    The guy expressing massive hate for his computer was hitting the wrong part. He should’ve been punching the system unit, not the monitor, which is only a humble output device.

    • Joe

      P.S. And yes that’s all I have to say except that Pat Boone is awesome! Please post more of his videos.

  • Will

    I though we used to get mad at our computer system. lol

  • Ted Seeber

    I believe that G.K. Chesterton made the same point as Voris several decades ago in _What’s Wrong with the World and How to Fix It_

    • @Ted Seeber, I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic or not, but I wonder if we read the same Chesterton volume. Chesterton was a thoroughgoing democrat (small D) who became disgusted with the Liberal party because of how illiberal it really was. Of course, Chesterton was fond of kings and the such, and wanted every man to be king of his own little castle – but what he mostly liked about kings was their ability to raise up armies of ordinary folk to knock aristocrats on the head from time to time. To call Chesterton anything like a monarchist would be a mistake, though.

      Guys like this Vortex man, however, only make our faith look incredible. The Gospel is hard enough to buy as it is, without trying to sell along with it such a load of hooey. The load of hooey comes in his failure to recognize what is as obvious as the nose on his face – Catholics are subject to original sin every bit as much as anybody else.

      Just as the 1960s happened because the 1940s-1950s weren’t as picturesque as we like to remember them, the Reformation and Enlightenment happened because the Feudal Period wasn’t the untrammeled bed of roses that Mr. Vortex seems to presuppose. I say this as a deep admirer of St. Thomas, the cathedrals, St. Louis of France, and all things medieval.

      Incidentally, him listing himself off as having an S.T.B. is ludicrous. In the 21st century, in the United States (and the 20th century, for that matter), we do not list off the initials of bachelor’s degrees. Even master’s degrees so listed cannot help by look pretentious. He comes across as a big twit.

  • Tim

    I voted for you. Where can I email you my address so you can send me my pony?

  • Telemachus

    Mark Shea is really pulling out all the stops. Michael Voris, the classic “guy smashing his computer” video, and Pat Boone all in the same post? Fr. Z better watch-out.

    God bless,