I think I’ve found my candidate!

I think I’ve found my candidate! July 19, 2012

One everybody can get behind.

For Republicans: He’s got the whole Palinesque charting our own course on the frontier, small government vibe.

For Dems: He’s got the whole back to nature, Obama cool vibe.

For the Religious  Right:  He is literally without sin.

Plus he has a solid track record of 15 years of government service!

Stubbs 2012!

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  • Glenn

    Dunno about the “without sin” part. I once heard Peter Kreeft state that it is impossible for cats to be possessed because they’re intrinsically evil.

    • Ghosty

      I’m pretty sure Aquinas even proved this in the Summa. It’s somewhere towards the back, something about their hearts being forged in the fiery depths of Hell.

      • Jack

        Of course, we should elect Tikani (a GSD tha belongs to a friend) after all Dogs can not willfully sin

  • Cephas

    And besides he knows nothing about the Russian Revolution, nor the Chinese threat!

  • Elaine S.

    Cats are intrinsically evil? Tell that to the millions of people whose lives have been saved by their rodent-killing abilities over the centuries (decreasing the threat of diseases like bubonic plague and keeping mice/rats from gobbling up stored grain).

    • Jmac

      That’s just warmed over consequentialism, Elaine!

  • LOL animals can’t sin because they are not rational! I love it. I agree with Elaine- I don’t think there’s too much plague going around in Ohio, but I haven’t seen a mouse since we got a cat.

  • I really don’t think Stubbs could be any worse than the candidates we have right now.

  • ivan_the_mad

    But Mark! Is he a natural born citizen??? Where’s his long-form birth certificate???

  • quasimodo

    Glenn has the truth of it.

  • beccolina

    I worry that he might not listen to the needs of dog-owners. There is obviously some in-born bias there.

    • ds

      I hear he’s going to select a canine running mate to balance the ticket.

  • Marthe Lépine

    Please allow me to quote a story by one of our former political leaders here in Canada, Mr. Tommy Douglas (who was also a Baptist minister) about electing cats:
    It’s the story of a place called Mouseland. Mouseland was a place where all the little mice lived and played, were born and died. And they lived much the same as you and I do.

    They even had a Parliament. And every four years they had an election. Used to walk to the polls and cast their ballots. Some of them even got a ride to the polls. And got a ride for the next four years afterwards too. Just like you and me. And every time on election day all the little mice used to go to the ballot box and they used to elect a government. A government made up of big, fat, black cats.

    Now if you think it strange that mice should elect a government made up of cats, you just look at the history of Canada for last 90 years and maybe you’ll see that they weren’t any stupider than we are.

    Now I’m not saying anything against the cats. They were nice fellows. They conducted their government with dignity. They passed good laws–that is, laws that were good for cats. But the laws that were good for cats weren’t very good for mice. One of the laws said that mouseholes had to be big enough so a cat could get his paw in. Another law said that mice could only travel at certain speeds–so that a cat could get his breakfast without too much effort.

    All the laws were good laws. For cats. But, oh, they were hard on the mice. And life was getting harder and harder. And when the mice couldn’t put up with it any more, they decided something had to be done about it. So they went en masse to the polls. They voted the black cats out. They put in the white cats.

    Now the white cats had put up a terrific campaign. They said: “All that Mouseland needs is more vision.” They said:”The trouble with Mouseland is those round mouseholes we got. If you put us in we’ll establish square mouseholes.” And they did. And the square mouseholes were twice as big as the round mouseholes, and now the cat could get both his paws in. And life was tougher than ever. And when they couldn’t take that anymore, they voted the white cats out and put the black ones in again. Then they went back to the white cats. Then to the black cats. They even tried half black cats and half white cats. And they called that coalition. They even got one government made up of cats with spots on them: they were cats that tried to make a noise like a mouse but ate like a cat.

    You see, my friends, the trouble wasn’t with the colour of the cat. The trouble was that they were cats. And because they were cats, they naturally looked after cats instead of mice.

    Presently there came along one little mouse who had an idea. My friends, watch out for the little fellow with an idea. And he said to the other mice, “Look fellows, why do we keep on electing a government made up of cats? Why don’t we elect a government made up of mice?” “Oh,” they said, “he’s a Bolshevik. Lock him up!”

    So they put him in jail.

    But I want to remind you: that you can lock up a mouse or a man but you can’t lock up an idea.

  • Marthe Lépine

    And: Thank you, Mark, for posting this, I have seldom laughed that hard!

  • sibyl

    Well, of course the reason I’m voting for him is that he just LOOKS presidential. Doesn’t that tail just scream “statesman”?

  • Alfredo Escalona

    Erm… dat ain’t no tail, thassa….

  • I must quote that learned observer of human and feline nature, Mark Twain:

    “His idea was a republic, without privileged orders, but with a hereditary royal family at the head of it instead of an elective chief magistrate. He believed that no nation that had ever known the joy of worshiping a royal family could ever be robbed of it and not fade away and die of melancholy. I urged that kings were dangerous. He said, then have cats. He was sure that a royal family of cats would answer every purpose.

    “They would be as useful as any other royal family, they would know as much, they would have the same virtues and the same treacheries, the same disposition to get up shindies with other royal cats, they would be laughably vain and absurd and never know it, they would be wholly inexpensive; finally, they would have as sound a divine right as any other royal house, and “Tom VII, or Tom XI, or Tom XIV by the grace of God King,” would sound as well as it would when applied to the ordinary royal tomcat with tights on.

    “And as a rule,” said he, “the character of these cats would be considerably above the character of the average king, and this would be an immense moral advantage to the nation, for the reason that a nation always models its morals after its monarch’s. The worship of royalty being founded in unreason, these graceful and harmless cats would easily become as sacred as any other royalties, and indeed more so, because it would presently be noticed that they hanged nobody, beheaded nobody, imprisoned nobody, inflicted no cruelties or injustices of any sort, and so must be worthy of a deeper love and reverence than the customary human king, and would certainly get it.

    “The eyes of the whole harried world would soon be fixed upon this humane and gentle system, and royal butchers would presently begin to disappear; their subjects would fill the vacancies with catlings from our own royal house; we should become a factory; we should supply the thrones of the world; within forty years all Europe would be governed by cats, and we should furnish the cats. The reign of universal peace would begin then, to end no more forever…”

    My comment: if Mr Twain (not his real name) is correct, the president of a Republic is too narrow and undignified a position for Stubbs. Let us anoint him our King and Emperor.

  • ds

    Dude is 105 years old! He’ll be 133 at the end of his first term. (probably won’t matter with supporters, after all I’m pretty sure Ron Paul is at least 92).

  • Aramis

    Having been through Talkeetna recently… well, somethings going on there – Gasoline was cheaper than in Anchorage! (By 1¢/gal.)

    Since a cat is incapable of understanding the sacraments, it’s incapable of sin… no matter how evil a cat might be.

    Still, Stubbs hasn’t ever been seen to be pro-abortion…

  • I am obligated by command of my brony friends to encourage you to support Fluttershy for president: http://natewinchester.wordpress.com/2012/09/24/mlper-green-isnt-your-color/

    However, in all seriousness, I would rather encourage you to support Romney as the lesser of two evils.