People say to me, “Mark!” (people say)…

People say to me, “Mark!” (people say)… April 30, 2013

“How is it that you are so young, handsome, and healthy?  What *is* your secret?”

Well, I will tell you, Random Citizen.  As SCIENCE[TM] has now scientifically demonstrated, using scientificalistic sciency science proofs that only a bloody fool would dare to challenge, it’s all in the beard.

I’m not sure what this means for those women who cannot grow beards, but I’m reasonably sure, as a member of the Bearded-American Community, that women who date and/or marry men with beards will, by a scientific process known as “sympathetic magic” also acquire the characteristics of youth, drop dead gorgeous looks, and health.  I know my wife has.

If the rest of you want to discuss how awesome my beard has made me, I humbly offer my comboxes for you to discuss among yourselves the manifold virtues of beards in general and my beard in particular.  Here is an image for you to meditate on and venerate:

Stunning, is it not?  Of course it is.  You don’t even have to answer that.

So.  Beards.  Why don’t you have one, gents?  Ladies, how can you love a man who is old, ugly, and sick when merely hiding his razor will confer on him the blessings of youth, handsomeness and health?

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  • Dave

    Yes, covering up as much of the face as possible *IS* a good idea for many men! 😉

  • Never bring a moustache to a beard fight!

  • Hmm. I’m still not convinced. It seems like a lot of the terrorists have beards, or a least a lot of terrorists had beards right up to the point before they became terrorists (at which point they shaved them off). If I grow a beard, will I become a terrorist, too, or only if I ever shave it off? I need to know if this is going to be a lifetime commitment or what.

    • Knowing how unnatural and traumatic an event the shaving of one’s beard can be, it does not surprise me that many of those who wantonly destroy the full glory of manhood find themselves weak and vulnerable to violent ideologies. Terrorism hoists the false promise of restored fortitude and strength, but delivers only the destruction of body and soul.

      • chezami

        I think much more attention needs to be paid to the risk of terrorism due to beardlessness. I’m not saying all you beardless men are terrorists. But I just don’t think we can be too careful.

  • Unfortunately, the U.S. Army won’t let me wear a beard. It’s sad, I know, the sacrifices our soldiers have to make for this country.

    • Guest

      Especially given that the Civil War, entirely and almost exclusively fought by the U.S. Army, was the most magnificently bearded war in world history.

  • Tom

    You’ve still got a ways to go before you can brag, Mark:…0.0…1c.1.11.img._3LX_l4dLIY&bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&bvm=bv.45645796,d.dmQ&fp=bcd0ab750da962&biw=1920&bih=911

  • Kevin J. Bartell

    I’ve said this elsewhere, but it bears repeating. We need the beard back in the Church, gentlemen! This is why we must pray daily for reunification with the Eastern Orthodox. We got the infallible Magisterium; they got the beards.

    Think of it. If Pius XII had had the beard, he would have slapped the moustaches off of Hitler and Stalin . Both. At the same time.

    If John XXIII had had the beard, it wouldn’t have taken this long for Vatican II to start doing what he meant it to.

    If Paul VI had had the beard, he would have looked like Lincoln. Children would be taught to memorize Humanae Vitae like they do the Emancipation Proclamation, and we’d all celebrate it as a milestone for the civil rights of the unborn.

    If John Paul II had had the beard, liberation theologians would have run in terror. America would have defended life, worked for justice, and maybe even attained peace. Well, okay, maybe that last one was a little overstated.

    If Benedict XVI had the beard, Muslim terrorists would think he was an Imam and convert in droves.

    And if Pope Francis had the beard . . . he could part the Tiber for the whole world to come in.

    Plus, as Mark said, there’s the whole thing about women. My wife’s never looked better. Grow the beard, gentlemen!

    • But if the beards come back into the Catholic Church, how will people be able to tell Roman Catholics from Orthodox?

  • trespinos

    I’ve heard it said, and I believe it–pretty much–, that the only valid reason for a man to wear a beard is either to hide a weak chin or to hide a scar. I’m willing to admit that you, Mark, may be an exception to that.
    (beard wearer, type one)

  • Cinlef
  • James H, London

    I tried twice, once in my late teens, again in my mid-20’s. The results were, to put it mildly, disgusting. The hair just wasn’t dense enough, and it never progressed beyond the messy, patchy, hippy-like stage.

    I’m so glad I live in a culture where it’s not required.