People say to me, “Mark!” (people say)…

“How is it that you are so young, handsome, and healthy?  What *is* your secret?”

Well, I will tell you, Random Citizen.  As SCIENCE[TM] has now scientifically demonstrated, using scientificalistic sciency science proofs that only a bloody fool would dare to challenge, it’s all in the beard.

I’m not sure what this means for those women who cannot grow beards, but I’m reasonably sure, as a member of the Bearded-American Community, that women who date and/or marry men with beards will, by a scientific process known as “sympathetic magic” also acquire the characteristics of youth, drop dead gorgeous looks, and health.  I know my wife has.

If the rest of you want to discuss how awesome my beard has made me, I humbly offer my comboxes for you to discuss among yourselves the manifold virtues of beards in general and my beard in particular.  Here is an image for you to meditate on and venerate:

Stunning, is it not?  Of course it is.  You don’t even have to answer that.

So.  Beards.  Why don’t you have one, gents?  Ladies, how can you love a man who is old, ugly, and sick when merely hiding his razor will confer on him the blessings of youth, handsomeness and health?