WaPo Discovers the Horrors of Christian Marriage

WaPo discovers that, in the savage wilderland of Alabama, Christians believe marriage is some sort of sacrament involving a man and a woman, not just something the government created to make two people feel good about themselves. Translators are working round the clock to try to parse this mysterious language and unlock the mysteries of this barbarous and inexplicable worldview. So far, there has been no success. Experts from the Northeast Corridor suspect that the level of pre-civilized savagery may, in fact, be so low that “Christians” are in fact incapable of being understood due entirely to them and not, of course, to the elitist arrogance of the translators.