It Takes a Big Man to Be Magnanimous in Overwhelming Victory

It Takes a Big Man to Be Magnanimous in Overwhelming Victory February 3, 2014

Unfortunately for Bronco fans, I lost 80 pounds so I think I will offer a few reflections on the crushing, humiliating defeat that the world’s most beloved championship football team–The Amazing Seattle Seahawks–inflicted on the now prostrate Broncos.

It was foretold in prophecy both mystic and scientificalistic as a Utah ape delivered the sure and certain verdict of victory for the Hawks.  I tried to warn Bronconies that only a fool would argue with a rock solid scientificalistic analysis like that.  I suggested we just go ahead and spare the feelings of the pathetic losers who insisted on putting such infallible prophecy to the test and declare victory without the formality of a game that would only heap burning shame on the Broncos.  I am, after all, a compassionate man and don’t like seeing miserable failures ground into the dirt under the spikey cleats of the peerless Titans of Sport.  I do have a soul, you know.

But no.  Denver–having once had a reputation as a rough, tough  Western town full of ruthless gunslingers, prostitutes, and drunken miners flush with gold and ready to be fleeced of their cash by card sharks and big city slickers from Philadelphia (but I digress)–gazed in spirit across the mighty Rockies to our gentle hamlet on the shores of Puget Sound and made a snap judgment (and, by the way, speaking of snapping, I must say the way the Bronco center snapped the ball right past Manning’s head on the very first play, thereby delivering the first two of our many, nigh uncountable, points into our hands was a *very* auspicious beginning).

But again, I digress.  Where was I?  Ah yes!  In Denver, minds that imagined they are to our minds as ours are to the beasts that perish, regarded this city with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.

We meanwhile just went on being what we are: awesome.

Here in the land of gentle whale watchers, granola-eating earthy crunchies, metrosexual jammie clad health care discussers, soppy gay wedding sentimentalists, intense Janeane Garofalo lookalikes in hornrim glasses, passionate advocates for polymorphous perversities, fanatical recyclers, Unitarians in blocky African wooden jewelry and Birkenstocks leading bake sales to fund the library, chainsaw artists, bicyclists filled with snooty contempt for petrochemical consumers, New Age crystal gazers with 35,000 year old spirit guides helping them with their investment decisions in aromatherapy corporations, Pike Place fishmongers, gritty Indie bands, hipsters conducting their entire romances by tweeting partners of indeterminate gender from two tables away at the Starbucks on Aurora and 220th, Prius dealers offering cars with the Obama sticker pre-applied, parents placing their three year olds in high-intensity courses to groom them for executive positions at Microsoft and Nintendo, damp and dispirited Metro riders waiting patiently for winter rain to turn to spring rain like cattle waiting for nothing in particular… well, we appeared to the scions of cowpokes and painted ladies to be…. soft.

Which was, of course, EXACTLY OUR PLAN! Because all along super-genius billionaire Paul Allen, who is after all, the only super-genius billionaire on planet earth to have actually built a combination Rock and Roll/Science Fiction Museum was breeding a race of warriors, accountable only to him alone and obedient to his iron and despotic will.  You may ask where the Seahawks originated.  They were men once.  But now perfected by a genetic manipulation program into something which, while still able to pass basic tests for species conformity to bourgeois “league standards”, nonetheless display certain superhuman and preternatural abilities that are no longer of this world.

So your team–indeed all the teams of the earth–had no chance against the satisfyingly Marvel Comic nicknamed Legion of Boom.  This is why our Hawks tread down your puny insignificant team like grass.  It is why they  marched confidently into the Super Bowl (or “Super Bowel” as the charming rustics of Colorado call it)

Highly educated Seattleites (including Masters degree in Communications holder Richard Sherman, who can trash talk your loser team in iambic pentameter) found that charming.

But I digress.  Anyway, thanks to the warrior super-race bred by Paul Allen in the laboratories beneath the Science Fiction Museum and fed on a daily diet of pure Washington rain water, oysters and salmon harvested from the gently lapping waves of Puget Sound, a regimen of uprooting old growth evergreen forests and replanting them in over-logged areas, and haiku and feng shui to center the spirit, the Seahawks marched into the Super Bowl and utterly dominated as they kicked the clenched, fearful, and ultimately despondent little buttocks of the Denver Broncos.  From epic interception-to-touchdown plays, to even more epic touchdown runs the length of the field, to a defense that denied Denver a first down until sometime into that part of the second quarter when people with small bladders are thinking about their first bathroom break but reluctant to leave because the Hawks might again pull off some breathtaking coup to inflict further humilation on their prey, it was wall-to-wall humiliation.

At one point during the half-time, one of the Talking Heads asked, “What will Denver have to do to come from behind?”  To which my pal Tom shouted, “SCORE 23 POINTS!”  Alas, they only scored 8.  Meanwhile we pumped up the jam to 43–the very meaning of life plus one.  My sense of symmetry and closure thought it would have been good to bring the score up to 48 or 58–58 would have been a nice round number–but the Hawks, being kindly conquerers, decided to go ahead and leave the margin at a mere 35 points.  Still humiliating, but not enough to leave the population of Denver eating out of dribble cups.

As a Catholic, and particularly as a Catholic writer, there are certain theological aspects to this obvious sign of divine approval for My Home Town that deserve examination.  Here is one:

Of course, some–namely the weak–view my attitude as “insufferable”.  But in fact, I am stooping down from the (literally) Olympian heights of Western Washington in order to show those who have yet to win the grim Darwinian struggle of life that there is hope for even the weakest.  Why, with enough pluck and determination, you might be the next….. nahhhhh… I’m just playing with your head.  You’ve got a better chance of joining the ranks of the 85 richest people in the world than you do of defeating The Amazing Seattle Seahawks.  Your team lost for a reason: because we were not merely better and more awesome, but immeasurably better and more awesome and your puny, insignificant team sucked.  The Broncos did the very best they could–and it wasn’t nearly good enough because THE SEAHAWKS ARE THE GREATEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE WORLD AND PROVED IT IN OPEN COMBAT WITH THE BRONCOS!!!!  WOO HOO!

In closing, I think it only appropriate to offer a word of praise to God, who is a HUGE Seahawks fan and has chosen our team from all the nations of the earth for this, THE 2014 SUPERBOWL VICTORY!!!

I will sing unto the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously
the horse and rider has thrown into the Sea(hawks). (Exodus 15:1 – Seahawks Standard Version)

The Victory Parade, presumably featuring the Broncos being dragged in chains down Fourth Avenue behind Russell Wilson’s Triumphal Chariot, will be on Wednesday.  Meanwhile, here’s the mood in Hawksville:

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  • Stu

    “Your team lost for a reason: because we were not merely better and more awesome, but immeasurably better and more awesome and your puny, insignificant team sucked. ”

  • Well, if an ape picked the winner of the Super Bowl, I’m not entirely sure whether that means football is a game for apes or for Darwinists. Suffice it to say, baseball, a game for Christians of more refined taste, begins spring training soon. That is the only reason I rejoice in the Super Bowl.

  • Dave G.

    Yeah yeah. Just wait until next year!

    • S. Murphy

      *ahem* That’s the Cubs’ fans’ line. Whole different sport, even. 😉

      • Dave G.

        Hey, we’ll take the Cubs. The Cubs are one of the few things able to give a Cleveland Browns fan hope.

  • ck

    There are two superstitious reasons that the Broncos lost. First, they always lose the Super Bowl when they’re home jerseys are Orange. They won two Super Bowls when their home jerseys were blue. Second, because Tebow.

  • Joseph Klapatch
    • Andy, Bad Person

      What’s up with this “football = false idol” bullshit meme going around today?

      • HornOrSilk

        I think many people recognize the sacrifice of lives which is done for the support of the sports industry. How much is given to sports, by cities and states, as tax free handouts to rich men and women, that should have been given to the truly needy? When the poor are overlooked so that those who play ball games can make millions and those who run the games can make billions due to governmental aid, I would call professional sports (including and especially the NFL) an idol.

        • Bill

          Let me just enjoy this, for Pete’s sake. And I’m a Bills fan.

          Not everything needs to have fingers wagged

          • HornOrSilk

            Yes, every idolatry says, “Let me have mine, it’s harmless.”

            • chezami

              I have the tremendous advantage of not caring about sports at all until there is some reason to think a local team has a prayer of succeeding. This is an extreme rarity in Seattle. So I think I will just enjoy the win and not get my undies in a twist about “idolatry”. Football victories are for absurd, over-the-top braggadoccio. Relax. Enjoy.

              • HornOrSilk

                The question was asked about the idolatry of sports. I gave the answer. The system behind the sports is every bit a structure of sin. Not caring about or participating in the structure, normally, doesn’t mean it isn’t a structure of sin. It’s not just a discussion of the victory, or people happy about it, but the system behind the Super Bowl itself.

                “Relax. Enjoy.” That’s not an answer to the question of the cost of the bread and circuses and the sacrifices being made for it. I have no problem with people enjoying sports. I do have a problem with the system of how they are run.

                “Relax and enjoy” is what avarice asks of us when it shows us luxury asks of us, as per the Fathers on Sodom. Again, the fact that people enjoy it, does not mean it is a sin, but the fact people do, doesn’t mean it is not connected with nor rooted to, a structure of sin. It is.

                • Andy, Bad Person

                  The very computer you are using to type on this comment thread was likely manufactured using unethical means. Are you committing idolatry by using it?

                  • HornOrSilk

                    There is a major difference between remote material cooperation with evil with tools (computers) people need to use with luxury that comes at a major expense to the poor.

                    • Andy, Bad Person

                      “remote material cooperation with evil with tools” sounds like something offered to Mammon.

                      Hey, this game is fun!

            • Joseph Klapatch

              H.O.S. I don’t think Mark was writing this from an idolatrous perspective. I think he was trying to make a joke and make people laugh. Having previously lived in the Puget Sound area he made me laugh.

              • HornOrSilk

                I was responding to a question. I was explaining why people see idolatry around sports, esp the Super Bowl.

                • Thomas Gallagher

                  Hey, HornOrSilk, lighten up !!!!!

        • Andy, Bad Person

          Oh, nonsense. One can recognize the unjust treatment of the needy in favor of sports and other corporate entities without the calumny of being called heathens.

          • HornOrSilk

            You asked why there is a recognition of idolatry with sports. The sacrifice of the poor for the sake of the rich ball players is the answer. Don’t like it? Neither did Dives.

      • Joseph Klapatch

        Andy, I posted that to be funny. I guess some people missed the humor.

        • Andy, Bad Person

          I did. Sorry! As you can see with HornOrSilk, some people take that quite seriously.

  • I admit, I was dead wrong. That’s why one has to play the game on the field and not by analysis. Great win for Seattle. Russell Wilson seems like a classy person. And defense does still win. I had not thought that to be still true in football. Kudos.

    • chezami

      If you’d just listened to the ape, none of this need have happened.

      • LOL, I guess. 🙂

  • Rebecca Fuentes

    I must say, this is the nicest post-game gloat I’ve read today. Put a smile on my face.

  • DLouise

    Love this! I gotta’ say, thought, that Peyton Manning is a real classy gentleman. I felt a little sorry for him when a Seahawk actually knocked the ball out of his hand as he was getting ready to throw. Manning took it like a man. I’m happy for our Hawks. It’s about time we win the championship.

    • Peg

      Thank you for the Peyton Manning compliment! A Denver Broncos fan

  • Deacon Nathan Allen

    I’m just happy someone has finally lost more Super Bowls than the Vikings.

    • Andy, Bad Person

      And the Bills!

    • Dave G.

      Oh yeah, try being a Browns fan.

  • Hank

    Not a sports fan, but as a former Olympian, I know Seattle well. Laughed ’till i cried.

  • Susan Windley-Daoust

    That was an essay for the record books. Well done, sir. p.s. Congratulations.

  • S. Murphy

    I’ve been waiting all day for your inevitable Superbowl glost-post. ‘Twas worth it!

    • orual’s kindred

      Me too. And it took me a while to fully comprehend the brilliance of the whole thing. Bronconies omg!

  • elle

    Wait…what?? .Bremerton isn’t in the Olympics!!

  • Adolfo

    Ok, Mark…Quick–without using the internet–name 10 players on the Seahawks’ roster…

    • chezami

      There is no “I” in “Team”, Adolfo. It’s not about individuals. It’s about the Team coming together to adapt, achieve, and overcome. I am frankly *shocked* that you would ask such a question. Shocked, I say.

      • Romulus

        No, no “I”. There are an M and an E, however.

        Tertullian is said to have reported the words whispered into the ears of triumphal Caesars:

        “Respice post te! Hominem te esse memento! Memento mori!”

    • Paul

      Well actually…..if you look for it….you can clearly see the “i” in TEAM. (Note: its in the “A” hole.)

  • Mary E.

    All hail the glorious Seahawk victory!!! (and it was glorious). May Our Lady of Sorrows pray for the poor Broncos and Bronco fans.

  • antigon

    Yeah, you’re just lucky you didn’t have to face *Eli* Manning, who always wins his Super Bowls!

    • chezami

      Wasn’t him up there looking ashen up in the box?

      • antigon

        You know, I think it was, along with everybody else south & east of Seatown.

  • retiredladyann

    I often watch football games with my husband. Yesterday I think I watched the most brutality I have ever seen. Some of us agree that football is getting more and more violent. Is that the purpose of the game? I believe Dr. Amen said it correctly: If you love your sons you will never let them play football (just one of many sports that can be damaging to the brain). Seriously, it was if the Seahawks set out to brutalize the Broncos. And no-holds barred. Oh-that’s right, that’s wrestling!

  • Ronald King

    Mark, That was the best rant I have ever read. You need to be at the podium during the parade reading this.

  • Kev

    Congratulations. Seattle won major sports title. Or as we in Boston have been saying in the 21st Century, “You had a nice little weekend”

  • Jack Quirk

    As I told my wife during the game, it was like the Seahawks had a denser molecular structure than the Broncos. Weird game. Congratulations Seattle!