IS THE VATICAN HIDING ALIENS?

The Science* Channel’s “Unsealed: Alien Files,” is on the case:

The program speculates that “new evidence may prove the Vatican is hiding actual aliens from the public.” Either that or the channel will rename itself the Sci-fi Channel.

The priest who directs the Vatican observatory, Dr. Jose Funes, was interviewed for the program, and he made the rather unexceptional remark that the universe is so huge that “it would be possible that life could evolve the way we know it on Earth.” This is soon followed by a voiceover that says, “Vatican officials have publicly acknowledged the likelihood of alien life. This dramatic reversal of Vatican policy demands an explanation. What does the Church know, or what have they found that causes them to reverse a 2000-year-old teaching?”

What indeed?  How could the Church simply ignore the words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount, where he clearly says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘There is life on other planets’; but I say to you, ‘There is no life on other planets'”?  Why would Rome cover up the settled teaching of creed, which concludes, “and the life of the world to come–with no extraterrestrials because they don’t exist.  So there. Amen.”

What always amuses me about this is that the Church has, for 2000 years, said that there are, in fact, non-human created intelligences in the universe.  Only we don’t call them “Star Trek Energy Beings”.  We call them angels and demons.  But then science fiction is, in very large part, an attempt to wrestle with theological questions in other guises.  Sometimes the author is perfectly aware of that.  Other times the author is silly enough to think he totally secular.  And still other times, the author is silly enough to think he is inventing a new religion instead of corrupting or ripping off an old one.

But the gospel remains inescapable.

Whither shall I go from thy Spirit? Or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
If I ascend to heaven, thou art there! If I make my bed in Sheol, thou art there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there thy hand shall lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. (Psalm 137)

Someday, the great Mothership will land on the White House lawn and an international delegation of well-tailored leaders and scientists in natty suits will be sent out to meet them. The big ramp will lower, and the creatures emerge. 7 billion people will look on in awe on live TV as they share with us their universal translator technology. Then the alien leader will turn to the Heads of the United States, the UN, and the EU and various other dignitaries from around the globe and say, “We have traveled over 2000 light years to see you. It was revealed to us by our Oyarsa that Maleldil has visited your planet in person! We have so longed to meet you!”

UN REP: Uh. Mal.el.dil?

Alien: Yes. The Beautiful. The One. The True. The Good.

UN REP: Err. (fiddles with universal translator). What?

Alien: Our Oyarsa tells us he took the shape of your species and was born among you!

UN REP: Um… I… thought we might talk about your advanced techn…

Alien: Yes. Yes. We’ll get to that. But first things first. Please tell us about Maleldil’s visit to your world. It is a thing we have dreamed about for 2000 years.

UN REP: Do you mean “Jesus”?

Alien: I don’t know. Do we? We do not know what name he took when he came here. We only know from our Oyarsa that he took flesh among your species for some purpose we cannot grasp. So. Tell us! What did your species do to welcome him?

The camera zooms in. The upper lip of every leader in the earth delegation glistens with sweat. Their eyes dart to what appears to be an Ion cannon array bristling from the hull of the ship, displayed as a courtesy salute to the Good People of Earth.

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*Note: Contains no actual science. Prolonged exposure may cause brain cancer, diarrhea, brain diarrhea, and extreme stupidity.  Use only under… wait, just don’t use it.