What a Time to Be Alive!

What a Time to Be Alive! May 24, 2018

So, in 2013, the repulsive Michael Cohen actually, seriously, sent a cease and desist letter to the Onion, because these snowflakes really are that thin-skinned.

The reason for the letter was that the Onion wrote a piece, purportedly by Donald Trump, titled “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years.”

Now any idiot would know that Donald Trump did not write this piece because it contains large, hard-t0-spell words above a third grade reading level like “remember” and is more than 240 characters long.  But Cohen is not just any idiot.  He is a world class idiot.  For, of course, the real giveaway Trump could not possibly have written it is that the piece is humor at Trump’s expense and not at someone else’s–something this swinish bully never, ever allows.

And that, of course, was the reason for the Cohen letter.  His client must not be the butt of jokes.  As St. Thomas More once said of another thin-skinned bully, “The prowde spirit cannot endure to be mock’d.”

Fast forward to the present.  The letter has now come to light, to the eternal joy of the editors of the Onion who, so far from being intimidated by this Mafioso goon, are having a field day with a new article titled, “‘The Onion’ Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump And Would Like To Discuss The Matter Further At His Convenience

Here’s a taste:

While we respectfully disagree with Mr. Cohen’s assessments, we understand that he is duty-bound to safeguard his client’s public image, a task he has no doubt fulfilled time and time again throughout his many years of dedicated service. With that in mind, we would like to, at long last, take him up on his request that we “contact immediately to discuss.”

As Mr. Trump is now the leader of the free world, now is clearly the best time to resume our discussion. While it is generally not our policy to let outside forces affect our editorial decisions, the opportunity to gain a direct line to the president clearly presents a special case. We would be more than willing to accommodate Mr. Cohen’s wishes—provided we get something in return, of course. A quid pro quo, if you will.

We believe the removal of the piece in exchange for influence over the president’s decision-making constitutes a more than reasonable deal, and we implore Mr. Cohen to meet with us without delay. We are happy to schedule around his upcoming court appearances.

Mr. Cohen, in trying to reach you, we have called both phone numbers you provided us and even sent a courier to your New York offices. After receiving no reply, we can only assume you are trying to stonewall us. We are growing concerned that you have remained silent because you have been building a rock-solid case against us for the last five years, and in fact shudder to even imagine the detailed, thorough, and likely damning charges you would bring forward. But it does not have to be this way.

In your letter, you implore us to “Guide yourself accordingly.” These enigmatic words have haunted us ever since. Although we assume no small risk in asking the president’s own accomplished and ingenious lawyer for help acquiring Oval Office influence, we believe that a partnership between us and Mr. Trump, shepherded by your steady hand, is the most fruitful way forward for the president, for The Onion, and for America.

We eagerly await your reply.

This will just get better and better.

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