A reader writes

After reading much of what you wrote on torture and Things about the Church that bug me (and make me grow) I was thinking about how you described yourself as a consummate explainer. I am too. But I think it makes me into an apologetics bully (partly because I am too excitable).

I am a convert, and I’m obsessed about the faith. I hope that never goes away as I have a lot to be thankful for it, including my wife. But how do I reconcile this passion with naturalness and tact and restraint? Sometimes if I try to do the Jesus thing and let something go unsaid (usually a lot unsaid) I feel as if I’ll go insane. Do you have any practical advice? Good books? Something? You’ll probably deny this, but at least in your writing, you seem to have this down pretty well.

I’m not a “consummate” explainer. I’m simply an inveterate one. Consummate explainers are good explainers. Good explainers are nearly always understood clearly and instantly. I’m not. But it doesn’t keep me from writing “This is a horse” anyway.

Re: your question. I don’t have any profound advice. I learned such tact as I possess (heh) as all fools learn things: by experience. It isn’t when you annoy annoying people that you learn tact. It’s when you wound somebody you care about. You resolve, “I won’t ever do *that* again” when, in your zeal for some fact, you trample over a person you care about. Eventually, as you mature, you learn to care about more people and realize that this stranger feels much like the wife or child you care about.

I’m still a work in progress on that score. So do as I say, not as I do. The internet sucks as a means of communicating in love. One thing to try asking yourself is, “Am I writing to communicate or am I writing to express myself.” If the former, then you are seeking to be understood. If the latter, then you are speaking for any number of reasons. You might simply be trying to organize your thoughts (My wife to me: “Are you saying something or are you just talking?” as I babble aloud and try to figure out what I’m thinking.) You might be engaging in a form of verbal self-medication, whereby writing or talking helps you come to some sort of emotional resulution. My point is: if it’s the latter, then the need to not let something go unsaid is not ordered toward the other person, but toward something interior to your personality. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I suspect it’s precisely the case with yours truly. But it obviously will impact your effectiveness as a communicator if you don’t take it into consideration.

That’s just some random thoughts. If they don’t scratch where you itch, just ignore ’em.