Where would I be without BeastLady?

Here she is, writing me to review the trailer for Beastly

Here’s the modern version of Beauty and the Beast in all its emo angsty glory. OMG you guys! They basically show you the entire movie in this trailer. Will she love him or won’t she? I can’t tell!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Neo6W1f7hyY

Note the presence of
1) the Magical Negro Lady with an Accent who imparts her kindly Caribbean wisdom to the white folks
2) Neil Patrick Harris, a fairy godmother of sorts, who is magical, gay AND blind! I can’t wait for him to come save me from myself.
3) Mary Kate Olsen, who appears to have been punched in both eyes, indicating she is a witch

The beast is really convincing in this one. Underneath all those tattoos and facial silverware, I TOTALLY couldn’t tell that guy had impeccable bone structure or six pack abs, which is what really matters. Maybe if Hollywood went over the top and gave him glasses and some braces I might truly find him unattractive.

Also, if a really ugly guy who could pass for what could only be a handsome orc in NY kidnaps you and builds you a greenhouse, it means he loves you. Don’t take it the wrong way.

“Which is what really matters” Hee hee! That’s what I love about Hollywood. Way down deep, it’s shallow. Beneath the formulaic characters and completely predictable focus grouped casting, the message is: “It’s not what you look like that matters, it’s…. Wait! What am I saying? It’s *totally* what you look like that matters!”