Stress, Sex, and the Working Marriage

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned in a Marriage Builder about how sex should be a fantastic stress-reliever in marriage—but that it often produces anxiety. I described how I had to give up golf for a season in my life in order to re-prioritize my life and preserve the intimacy in our marriage.

You may have been thinking: Good for you! But I don’t play golf.

Golf is not the only thing that can get in the way of a marriage’s priorities or impact a couple’s sex life. Far from it! Any issue that causes stress and comes ahead of marriage on the priority list can and will be detrimental to intimacy.

One very common issue relates to children and housework. For any husband wanting good sex, he must assume the responsibility of helping with kids and the home. Period.

That’s the kind of statement that tends to get a husband’s attention. But it’s true. It is absolutely unfair for a man to come home from work, park in front of the television, and then expect his wife to bear the burden of children and dinner and housework.

It’s even more unfair, later that evening, for the same man to expect his wife to come to bed exhausted from all her chores but perfectly willing to meet his sexual needs.

For one thing, in most families today, husbands aren’t the only ones “coming home from work.” Wives and mothers are working outside the home, too, so to expect one of them to assume most of the childcare or cleaning duties after work is an outdated idea.

And whoever said that the work done during the day in the home is not just as exhausting as work performed outside the home?

But regardless of whether a woman stays home with the kids or works outside the home, a husband needs to let his wife know that he is her partner in every area of life. A wise husband who wants to enjoy good sex will bear the burdens for his wife and allow her to have a time of rest and relaxation before sex.

An unwise husband does the opposite. He refuses to accept any responsibility for the home, children, finances, or other issues that may be weighing on his wife.

Does this mean a modern marriage should give up on the idea of passionate, spontaneous sex? Or that sex will only happen when neither spouse is tired? Not necessarily, but with the common stresses of modern life, it’s not a bad idea to plan sex in advance—and spend the day preparing for it.

Make a special date for sex on regular occasions. This allows both husband and wife to prepare properly, especially when children are young and there are many demands on your time.

When our kids were little, Karen and I used to prioritize and plan for sex. In fact, every two or three months we would even spring for a night or two in a hotel just to be alone together. Doing this was a key to the success of our marriage.

We didn’t let circumstances dictate our sex lives. We prioritized it. We made a plan to be together. We shared the burdens of our family life and helped each other manage stress. We viewed sex as a stress reliever…and then we made it happen.