Shifting Blame

Years ago, I knew a couple who had a rebellious young son. He was a very difficult child and was often caught doing something wrong. Whenever it happened, this young man would immediately transfer the blame to someone else.

It happened like clockwork. He would come under scrutiny, he would be threatened with discipline, and he would find someone else to blame. “My friends put a rock in my hand,” he would say. “They told me to throw it at that car or they’d make fun of me!”

You might laugh at the exaggeration of that statement—we can see right through it, of course—but that wasn’t the case for this child’s parents. They seemed to sympathize with him every time. “Poor Johnny, his friends made him do it.”

Before long, the parents were actually becoming adversarial with anyone who called “Johnny” to account. While they meant well, they were doing a great deal of damage to their son.

Rather than teaching him he was personally responsible for his behavior, they were teaching him that it was all right to make someone else take the fall.

From time to time, our schools and culture get focused on combating peer pressure. That’s a good thing, because peer pressure can cause children to do things they wouldn’t normally do. But we can’t let peer pressure become an excuse.

When our own kids were growing up, we told them we didn’t care how much peer pressure they were under; peer pressure didn’t justify misbehavior. We held them responsible for their actions.

Karen and I were fair. We would gather all the facts. We’d listen to them. But we made sure our kids knew they had to learn to overcome obstacles—and that no matter how much they whined or moaned or blamed others, their behavior was their own responsibility.

What we need to realize as parents is that children learn by watching the examples of their mother and father. If the father is constantly blaming the mother or the mother blaming the father, a child will pick up on this. Before long, the child will learn that blame-shifting means avoiding responsibility.

It doesn’t matter whether two parents are blaming each other, their bosses, the government, the president, or anyone else. Children will observe that behavior and begin to use it.

Please understand, fathers and mothers and husbands and wives: Regardless of what anyone else does, we are personally responsible for our own actions.

Jesus hung on the cross, looked down at the people who crucified Him, and said, “Father, forgive them.”

If there ever was a time when a person was justified to seek revenge or do something wrong, it was then. But Jesus did what was right. In spite of the incredible pain, emotional pressure, and persecution, He did the right thing.

Through personal example and training, we must teach our families that each of us is responsible for doing what is right. No one else controls us. We control ourselves, and God holds us responsible for our own behavior. What are your children learning by watching you?