Context Counts

One of the problems I have with parenting method idolatry is that often it does not take into account that a person is a combination of mind, body and spirit. Taking one  attribute (example: breast milk fulfills nutritional requirements better then formula) and using it as an platform point for your argument completely leaves out the other two attributes rendering the statement potentially inaccurate (case in point). Breast milk in a physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy mother is better then formula, but take away any of those three attributes and formula may best. What if the breastfeeding mother has a crack habit, is her breast milk still best for her baby? Of course not. Touting that “Breast is best” is a false dichotomy.

It is vital to consider the whole picture when deciding what method is optimal for each individual situation. Breast may be best for this family and formula may be best for that family. Unless you have all the facts (and unless you are that person, how could you have all of them?) you are not qualified to make the decision for them. In the broad spectrum of methods, the truth is that one size does not fit all.  Birthing methods, sleeping habits, routines, feeding, clothing, handling emotional or chemical imbalances, illness, teething, etcetera ad nauseam. Routinely, mothers (and consequently fathers commonly, through uninvolved abdication) have allowed themselves to idolize methods and verbally and emotionally destroy anyone in their path who dare to disagree. We look at our sisters in Christ, center them into our cross hairs and pull the trigger all because we think we know what is best for their personal situation. That kind of immature tearing down is not only unkind to others, it is also extremely unbecoming behavior. Essentially, we use a difference of opinion as an excuse for harboring sin in our own lives.

Of course, I’m not advocating blind neutrality. I am advocating for us all, husbands with their wives, to educate themselves thoroughly (free from bias and founded on our standing in Christ). We make decisions on what method is best for our family and hold our choice loosely when it it comes to applying it to others. If/When others ask us for our opinion, we can give them an educated and comprehensive argument without being rude or unkind. In recent years Attachment Parenting (here is a great article that accurately describes my personal opinion of AP)  has come back in vogue and with it, increased unbalanced practices and blind, cruel judgemental-ism. On the flip side we also have parents reacting to the fad with militant style parenting (another rather enjoyable read on the problems with punishment idolatry). Both are extremes. I’ve never heard such hateful words then I do when this topic arises. Where is the balance? Where is the context? Where is the kindness? There is distinct difference between iron sharpening iron and simply being a jerk. A couple years ago, I was at a parenting seminar that cautioned parents against administering discipline if they felt enthusiastic about administering it. Regardless of discipline method, if you are thrilled about it, you probably aren’t the one to be doing it. Likely, your attitude isn’t right. Yes, it is good to train our children and we are thankful for the opportunity to help them, but if you are excited because the kid had been annoying you and now you have a chance to get back at them, then you are the one in need of training. “Why do you stare at the splinter in your neighbor’s eye, but ignore the plank in your own? How can you say to your neighbor, ‘Here — let me get that splinter out of your eye,’ when you’ve got a plank in your own? You’re just play-acting! First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you’ll see clearly enough to take the splinter out of your neighbor’s eye.” (-Matthew 7: 3-5 KNT) I have found this theory to ring true in most discussions. If you get worked up easily or are excited to have an opportunity to set the world straight, you probably shouldn’t.  I’ve posted before about my personal beliefs on indiscreet breastfeeding, and that post triggered a conversation Ben and I were having a couple weeks ago on modesty context. We have a friend, who has been known to practice frontal nudity while breastfeeding. In our opinion, the instances in which full frontal nudity is appropriate are few and far between. This wasn’t one of those situations. Ben was commenting on how awkward it was for him (rightfully so), but I had completely forgotten the incident. Upon remembering it, I recall how jarred and bewildered I was (“I have no response to that” -Angelica), but we have known this friend for a long time and we have lots of memories and history aside from that particular incident so it is not the first one that comes to mind when I think of her. She is our friend. Of course, I think she should cover up, but I still love her as my sister….there is context to my relationship with her and even context for why she thinks that behavior is acceptable. I love her more then I love my favorite methods.

When determining motives before engaging in a discussion or exhortation, some of the questions I ask myself are:

• Does my enthusiasm for my methodology outweigh my kindness?
• When I find someone who has a different view then I do, is that difference the dominant thought when I interact them?
• When someone says something I disagree with, do I want to jump in with my two cents or do I consider context and productivity of my opinion before responding? (aka reaction vs response)
• Do I have friends that I fellowship with regularly who have different methods in that area then I do? Does the difference but a wedge in our friendship?

The answer to these types of questions are windows into the state of our souls. When we disagree, nobody is asking us to be BFFs, but we still need to be mindful of the wellbeing of ourselves and those around us.