Surprising Myself

Today I realized that I am thankful for having had Hyperemesis Gravidarum throughout my pregnancies. This comes as  a shock to me.  I’ve been afraid of it for so long. That dark cloud has haunted me since the birth of my first child nearly 8 years ago.

Recently there has been  lot of morning sickness talk. I am very blessed to live in a community wherein children are welcomed so there are literally babies, babies, babies every where being born into wonderful, godly homes.  Seeing all the chatter about being nauseous  and making suggestions for management brought all those years I went through my own personal nightmare with pregnancy sickness back to me — and instead of feeling regret, dread, fear or resentment, I found myself thankful.

Today, I saw a quote by Timothy Keller saying, “God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything he knows.” It occurred to me that, had I known the end result of having had that woeful ailment for so long, I would have asked God to give me HG. It effectively woke me up. It pushed me toward God, making me realize I needed something I wasn’t even aware I was missing. Being that sick for so long surfaced a lot of sin and brought it to a place where it could be dealt with immediately. It made me realize that just going along, having a normal life, being average, wasn’t enough. We serve a gloriously jealous God and He wanted me (His creation, His daughter) to seek Him out so He could unleash His overwhelming, inhuman love on me.

For the first time in many years, I can stand before the world, unafraid of my deepest fear, because I have seen the good that has come from it. For the first time in my life, I find myself realizing that going through HG again (it would be a biological miracle) wouldn’t be so horrible. Difficult, yes, but I know confidently that I could rejoice, knowing that God’s kindness was being poured out on me. I don’t dread it anymore.

Today I am very thankful. I am thankful for my husband, my kids, my church, my home, my car. I am thankful for the cold, sunlit yard, with the icy, frosted grass and crunchy leaves. I’m thankful for the tantalizing smell of bacon, sizzling in the frying pan, while my husband simultaneously plays his guitar while making brunch. But I am also thankful for those 1,000 days of suffering. I’m thankful for the pain and the mind numbing boredom that came with it. I am thankful for God bringing me through all of that faithfully and not only blessing me with 4 beautiful, healthy, happy children (a truly magnificent gift in of itself) but also using it to awake a soulful thirst for Him. A new hunger that is filled but never satisfied. A new connection that has brought me contentment, joy and fulfillment that I had never known before. A relationship that has banished my fear of hyperemesis, a relationship that is overcoming all my fears.

Thank You for loving me so much that You give me exactly what I need, even when I don’t know that I want it. Thank  you for not hiding Yourself from me that I can learn to honestly trust You and rest peacefully in it.  Thank you, God.