Teach me knowledge and good judgment.
Some years back I experienced one of those, “I never saw it coming scenarios,” when I felt betrayed (and played) by someone pretending to be my friend. Looking back, I should have seen it coming but I wanted to believe that this person would never do to me what I’d observed her doing to others. As naïve as it sounds, I honestly thought that if I was straightforward, honest, and treated this person with kindness and respect, I would be protected from any relational fallout. I was wrong.
People Reveal Who They Are
The curious thing about this troubling situation was that I had inklings of this individual’s unhealthy pattern in relating to people. I watched her blow up and then verbally incinerate those who angered her. I heard her speak with spite and jealousy against those she didn’t like.
I listened to her complain about how no one appreciated her efforts at work. Perhaps most telling were her own words she used to describe herself and her dealings with others. Made me shudder and give thanks that I wasn’t her enemy.
Pay Attention Closely
Still, I kept believing that as long as I did the right thing, said the thing, and treated her well, our friendship would never have to go down one of those awful detours that destroy friendships. In short, my illusions were short-lived and the saddest part of this story is that I never did figure out what I did to anger my friend. But the inevitable happened, the friendship just faded away and no amount of apologizing or trying to work through the issue ever helped.
Once I finally realized I was just one more “friend” in a long line of people this happened to, I felt angry (at myself for not seeing what was obvious) and I felt deeply hurt (because I had really cared about this person.) The farther I moved away from the emotion of the fallout, the more clearly I read the signs that it was inevitable to happen eventually. Still, it stung.
Learn To Be Relationally Wise
After several years passed by, I gained even more clarity and realized that every step of the way, God was trying to warn me (and temper my expectations), but I chose to ignore the obvious. That’s when I learned an important lesson. There’s an upside to doubt and God wants us to be as wise as serpents but as innocent as doves. In other words, not everyone who wants to befriend us has our best interests at heart. Doubt…in the right circumstances is a good thing.
Author Paul Tripp wrote something about relationships many years ago that has always stuck with me. He said this – If you’re dealing with an angry person, be assured they will at some time get angry at you. If you’re dealing with a distrustful person, be assured they will at some time distrust you. If you’re dealing with a jealous person, be assured they will at some time become jealous of you. Tripp is right.
Be Discerning Relationally
When those around us struggle in specific core ways with anger, trust, jealousy and the like, their weaknesses will eventually spill over into the relationship with us. We all want to believe that our friendship is so special, so treasured, so untouchable, that the patterns by which our friends govern their lives won’t come into play with us. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Ask For Wisdom From God
None of us immune to sin and its side effects that wriggle their way into the heart of all relationships. Which is why listening to God’s still small voice of caution is always wise, as is taking note of how others treat the people in their lives. How our friends (new or long-standing ones) treat their closest friends and family members is how they will eventually treat us. Depending upon the friend, that can be a mighty sobering thought.
Doubt…there is an upside to it when it protects us from those who want to harm us. No wonder so much is written throughout the book of Proverbs about entering into relationships carefully and with great prudence. The truth is…we do become those we choose to surround ourselves with…for good, for bad, forever.
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