The Mormon Therapist
My loving, wonderful boyfriend has just confessed to me his past addiction to masturbation. He’s a marvelous, spiritual boy who struggled with this particularly on his mission, and also at times in his life when he’s felt particularly lonely. He’s told me I’m the only person who knows, apart from scattered priesthood leaders from his mission who I don’t think did a lot to help him. He’s a perfectionist and feels a lot of guilt and shame and, based on past experiences with bishops and their counsel, he doesn’t feel like he can trust his bishop or church counsel enough to talk to them about this, particularly since it was in the past and since their counsel has often caused increased feelings of guilt and depression, which only continued the problem, which sounds like it was mostly self-destructive. I don’t know what to do–I can’t leave him point blank even though I am feeling freaked out, because I don’t want to contribute to his feelings of depression, and because I love him. However, I was raised in a fairly conservative environment and I know exactly what my parents would say if they knew; they’d think all their suspicions of him were justified and that he is, like they always feared, a “bad person.” I don’t really know who to turn to for counsel, and I don’t know what to do. Can you help me?
- I am impressed and glad to hear that your boyfriend has chosen a stance of honesty about a very embarrassing and personal problem that would have been much easier to keep to himself. This speaks volumes regarding the strength of your relationship, the strength of his character, and the possibilities you have as a couple to problem solve if you choose to stay together.
- I am immediately curious as to how your boyfriend “defines” an addiction to masturbation. My experience with LDS males, leaders and members in general is that ANY level of masturbation is immediately perceived as an addiction. Unless he is masturbating several times a day, I would not consider this to be a problem worthy of the “addiction” label. It is probably more likely that he has struggled instead with the high expectation our church sets for single adults of complete abstinence when it comes to masturbation. My guess is that he probably masturbates a few times a month – this would be important information for both of you to discuss. As you can see by the polls that I have taken on this blog – most members have masturbated at some point of their lives without it leading to problematic issues in their future.
- I would want to know if pornography use is part of the equation. Masturbation on its own is much less of a “problem” than if pornography is involved. Pornographic images are powerful and can detrimentally affect arousal and drive patterns that can go on to affect the sex life of a couple.
- If it is truly the case that this man is not “addicted” to masturbation, what concerns me more than occasional masturbatory practices are the cognitive patterns he is beginning to identify with in regards to guilt, shame, and depression. These ways of perceiving self can be highly destructive and in turn can act as “self-fulfilling prophecies.” In other words, the anxiety of being an addict actually drives more addictive behavior. “Take a chill pill” can actually be a powerful motto. Whether or not you decide to stay with this man, I believe you can be a positive force in his life by just normalizing the information he has shared (i.e. help him distinguish whether or not this is truly an addiction, share statistics of other members who have also masturbated, control your own anxiety when communicating about this issue, show concern over his self-esteem, etc.). Individual therapy focused on a cognitive/behavioral approach will be helpful in helping him with erroneous core beliefs and self-esteem.
- If it is the case that he is truly dealing with an addiction – then I would encourage him to get help through a sexual addictions treatment center or qualified therapist. Usually group therapy is combined with individual therapy in this setting. A good place to start would be by getting a referral through a primary care physician or local mental health clinic.
- Your reason to stay or not to stay with this person should not be tied to feelings of guilt or fear. Even the feeling of love should not stand alone in making the decision of whether or not to marry. Our capacity to love is great and we can love and even “fall in love” with more than one person. This decision needs to be based on what is best for you. Some good questions to ask include: Is this a relationship where I am at my best? Where I can be myself? Where I feel safe? Where I am comfortable? Where we share common interests, goals and perspectives on life? Where I feel loved? Where I love? Where we complement each other’s strengths? Where we are realistic and aware of each other’s weaknesses? Where there is friendship? Where there is attraction and respect? Where we can problem solve? Where we are comfortable addressing conflict?
- Parents can be a great sounding board and usually have wise counsel when it comes to the future spousal prospects of their children. They know you well and have your best intentions at heart. It will be wise to take into account any concerns or misgivings they may have. However, they are not the ones who should make this decision for you. Part of leaving the “nest” is that now you need to make decisions for yourself. It is important to recognize your parent’s strengths as well as their weaknesses/biases when it comes to listening to their counsel. This is a difficult balancing act for most young adults as well as their parents. It is normal for parent’s to experience great anxiety when it comes to their kids’ futures. It will be beneficial for you to keep this in mind.
- If the two of you are serious about staying together I believe pre-marital counseling can be a great tool to sort through some of these concerns with someone who is qualified to give you sound advice as well as help you discuss the many aspects the future may hold. I am available through telephone or videoconferencing if you are unable to find resources you are comfortable with in your area.
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