this post is all about sex and masturbation

Of course we know Jesus didn’t masturbate because he didn’t have a penis. That part about him being circumcised was just a Jewish gloss because God is nothing so why would he become a Jew?

I remember the shock I felt when a bible college professor posed the question, “Did Jesus go to the bathroom?” I was shocked because we all know Jesus didn’t have a bum because God doesn’t have a bum. Jesus didn’t need a bum because he ate so perfectly, so purely, so cleanly, that he produced no waste. God is not a God of waste. Jesus didn’t give a shit.

Jesus wasn’t attracted to women. Never even thought about them. Because he knew they are all daughters of Eve. They might have been attracted to him because they’re like that. But he felt nothing.

Have you read Rachel Held Evans’ post, “Christians and Masturbation”. It’s funny but she used “&” instead of “and” in her title, so the blog link says “christians masturbation”. What is Christians masturbation? You do it in church? While saying the Lord’s Prayer? Or “Oh God Oh God Oh God”? Do you suck on a Testa-mint after? No. You go to hell. That’s what you do after you Christian masturbate.

I remember as a teenager going with my family from conservative Canada to visit family in Lakewood, California. We went to church on Sunday morning and I went to young adults Sunday school and the whole time a panel of young adult youth leaders talked about masturbation. I was interested because I was familiar with the subject and wanted to know if I was going up or down when I died. I didn’t leave there with any more clarity. Different strokes for different folks. What a surreal hour that was.

Talking about sex, have you seen this post, “Pastor’s Wife Launches Sex Blog, Jenny Price”? It’s not really a sex blog, but it reminds me of the days when talking about sex in church was treacherous and sexy and cool. Now it just seems silly to see such conservative approaches to sex and marriage and the attempt to impose them on every living breathing creature out there. You know… things like women are crock pots and men are microwaves. But I want to be your steamroller, baby! This is all about sex and marriage in the Christian ghetto.

Oh! Here’s a really curious but short video interview of Pete Rollins called “The Church Makes Sex Dirty… and that’s Why it’s Fun!”. I find it curious because of the implicit admissions he’s making that just a few years ago would have destroyed his career speaking to church groups. Times… they’re a-changin!

And you’ve probably heard that Tony Jones suggests that it might be time for Christians to celebrate pre-marital sex and that maybe pre-marital sex isn’t so bad. I’m interested to see where this is going.

Fasten your seat belts. We’re getting our sexy back!